


No Control

by British_1D_Irish



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Bottom Harry, BoyxBoy, Fanfiction, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Love, M/M, Top Louis, larry stylinson - Freeform, ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-08-07 23:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 73,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7734709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/British_1D_Irish/pseuds/British_1D_Irish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Stockholm Syndrome</p><p>Five years.<br/>It's been five years since Harry last saw Louis. Five years since he was kidnapped by Liam and Zayn. Five years since he's truly been happy.</p><p>Now, Louis is finally being released from prison, and Harry doesn't know what to do about it or how to handle it all. All he knows is that he still feels something. Yet he knows that Louis isn't good for him. Will Harry risk hurting someone close to him and losing the respect of his family for one guy? Or will tragedy ruin, not one relationship, but many others?</p><p>"Being around you just brings everything back. It's almost like I have no control when I'm with you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 5 Years

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the sequel of Stockholm Syndrome! Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Warning: This story contains mention of attempt at self-harm, boyxboy smut, potential character death, drama, and adult language.

HARRY

I didn't even dare to look up as they were brought out. Liam and Louis. I couldn't bring myself to look up at them at all. It was too hard to do. I wasn't even there, and it seemed too hard to look.

I was watching the news about the release of Louis and Liam. It brought back so many memories, but, let's face it, I thought of Louis everyday, and Liam was always mentioned by Zayn, who stayed a close friend of mine and Niall's.

"Why do you always watch the news about them? Harry, it's not nice to live in the past. Whatever things they did to you, they must be horrible, but we can get through this, sweetheart." My mum said as she sat on the couch beside me. I never took my eyes off of the ground.

I never told my mum or my dad about Louis. I never told them how he made me feel. I never told them that I was deeply in love with him, and that I still am in love with him. I never told them this because they would flip out about it. Everything would be blown way out of proportion. Plus, Louis probably hated me for how I ended things.

"I'm over that." I said, eventhough I really wasn't. She rubbed my shoulder and said "Good," pressing a small kiss to my forehead. Right as she pulled away, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it." 

I only nodded and watched her walk away, feeling able to breathe again. I loved my mum, but having her always around, telling me that I'm home now, and I'll be okay, it didn't help. It was suffocating. I hated it.

I was only visiting her right now because she wanted to have a family dinner. It would be my mum, dad, Niall, his parents, Zayn, and me. I was 21 years old, but I still have never fallen for anyone like I did for Louis. Not even Niall- who hasn't given up.

"Ooh! Harry, Niall's here!" My mum said, and I sighed. I stood up from the sofa, turning off the TV, but not before seeing those crystal blue eyes look right into the camera, almost as if he knew I would be watching.

"Hey, Harry. Where's Zayn?" Niall asked as he walked into the living room. "Toilet." I responded, and he nodded. Zayn and I have been living together for now, but he found a good job and has found a place to be on his own. He's supposed to move out tonight, and I assume Liam would move in with him upon release. As for... Louis... I have no idea where he's going, but I hope he's safe.

Niall smiled at me and said "So can I have a hug? Haven't seen you in weeks." He said, and that was true. I went M.I.A. for awhile, the only person seeing any of me was Zayn, because I knew they were both getting released soon. I needed thinking time. A lot of it.

I smiled and nodded as Niall walked up to me, and we both opened our arms. Niall pulled me into the hug and held me tight. He took a deep breath, and I heard him whisper "I love you." I closed my eyes for a second, giving out a sigh as I said "Yeah. I love you, too, Ni."

He broke the hug and stepped back a bit, looking shy and uneasy. He gave a nervous chuckle and said "So, you look good, Harry." Then, under his breath, "Really good." I ignored it, and thanked him.

"You look good, too. Um, where're your parents?" I asked him. "Oh! They are talking to your mum about something. I have no clue what though. They told me to leave and mind my own business when I tried to listen in." He said with a laugh.

"Even adults have secrets, Niall." I joked, and he smiled. He opened his mouth, seeming like he was going to reply, but then he was interrupted by Zayn walking into the room.

"Hey, Niall! Today is a great day! Isn't today just a beautiful day? I love today!" He said, hugging both Niall and I by the shoulders.

"Um, yeah, Zayn. It's a good day." Niall said, pulling his way out of the hug. He looked at Zayn with a raised eyebrow as he said "A great day!" 

"What's up with Zayn?" He asked me, and I frowned a bit as I said "He's happy. Liam gets released tomorrow morning. He gets to see the love of his life again. Now, who wouldn't be happy about that, Niall?" I asked, not meaning to sound bitter or hurt at the end, but I was. It's how I felt.

"Harry, I'm-" Zayn began, but I shook my head and smiled weakly at him.

"It's fine. I'm good. I understand. You love him, and he loves you. It's... it's great. I'm happy for you." I said, taking in a shuttery breath. "Excuse me." I said, leaving down the hall to just be alone for a while. I walked into my old bedroom, seeing that everything was almost all changed up, they were turning it into a guest room I assume. I sat down on the bed and tried to hold in my tears. I try so hard everyday. Every second. I've broken down a few times, and half of those times Zayn would hear and just hug me until I fell asleep. I've done the same for him. I guess that's what made us close. The pain.

I heard a knock on the door before Zayn pushed it open, frowning as he saw me. I sniffled, feeling one tear fall that I wiped away. "Why are you frowning, Z? Today's a big day." I said.

"Because you're not happy. I shouldn't have been so excited. I know it's hard for you. I should have just... I don't know. Held it in maybe? All of my happiness." He said.

"No. You have every right to be happy. You're going to see Liam again. You have every right to smile about that. Every right." I assured him. I gave a broken smile and tried to speak. "I'm fine." I tried to say, but my voice cracked in between and then tears poured down my eyes rapidly.

"Aww, Harry. You're not fine." Zayn said as he sat beside me and hugged me. "And that's okay. It's okay to not be fine all the time. Nobody expects you to be." He said.

"My mum does. She expects me to let it all go and forget the past and be happy and meet someone and love them, but I can't. I already am in love with someone. Someone who broke me, yes, but that I can't stop loving. It's stupid. But I just..." I grabbed at the necklace around my neck and squeezed it tight. "I haven't taken it off since I got it. It means so much to me. It's true. I was the only one who got to see all of Louis. More than the anger everyone else saw. I saw through it, and he showed me his heart." I said. It was so hard to talk about. All of it was.

"But your mum doesn't know. If she knew, if she understood, she wouldn't expect you to be fine. Nobody would. I don't. Everyone closest to you that knows and loves you wouldn't. It's okay to break sometimes." Zayn said, and I nodded, hugging him tightly.

"Ugh! It's gonna suck when you move out tonight. Thank you for being my support." I said. 

"Thank you for being mine, too. Things will get better, Harry. They have to." He said. I hoped. I only hoped. "Now, let's go have a 'family' dinner." He said, quoting the word family, and I laughed. I was happy for Zayn. It just sucked that I couldn't be happy for myself.  
\------------------------------------------------------

"So, Harry, have you found anyone that interests you?" My mum asked. She knew the answer to that. I wasn't interested in anyone. Not even if they were interested in me. I told them all I already had a boyfriend. It was a lie, but I was already in love. I wish the lie was true.

"No." I said, giving a short answer and hoping the topic was dropped.

"I thought so. And I was talking to Maura earlier today, and we thought it'd be interesting if you dated someone you've always been close to. Harry, why don't you and Niall date?" My mum asked, and I froze as Niall chocked on his food, looking up in shock. Zayn tensed next to me, and my dad looked bewildered.

"Anne, honey, you can't just tell him to date someone and expect it to happen." My dad explained. I was glad he was on my side for once, but I knew my mum was the one with power. She was tricky that way. She wouldn't win this one though.

"W-what?" I asked, not meaning to stutter, but I did. "This is the part where you say you are just joking, right?" I asked, feeling Zayn squeeze my hand under the table for my reassurance that he was here for me.

"Harry, please. It would be an excellent idea. You two have always been there for each other when you were younger. You've been through so much together. It's obvious there is a chemistry between you two, so why not try it?" She asked, not even looking up at me.

"Because it's not love!" I said, making Niall flinch a bit, but it was the truth. I didn't love Niall that way.

"You'll learn to love each other." My mum said, giving a dry laugh at what I said. She's acted this way ever since I was 'rescued' from Louis. And this was the last straw. I was tired of her pulling stunts like this.

"No, I won't!" I cried out. My mum looked up at me in shock and Zayn tried to get me to calm down, but so much was going on right now. It was too much. "I'm sorry, but I can't make myself love someone! That's not what people do! Niall is my best friend, mum, and I only love him as a friend. Sorry for ruining your little set up, but I don't love him, and I never will love him!" I raged out, just trying not to break down in tears.

I was glaring at my mum, nobody else even mattered. Nothing did but the anger I felt towards her. But then I snapped out of it as I saw Niall stand up and leave the table. I watched as he walked out of the room, and I felt bad. I should have handled the situation better.

"Excuse me." I said as I stood up and followed Niall out. I walked outside and saw him sitting on the steps to the front door. "Niall, I'm sorry-" 

"No, it's fine. I understand." He said, sniffling a bit as I sat down beside him. He chuckled a bit and wiped some tears away. It broke my heart to see him this way. "I mean, I don't know what I'm doing. I've been chasing and pining over you my whole life. I don't know what's wrong with me." He cried.

"Did I do something to lead you on? I've always tried not to." I said, feeling as if this was my fault somehow.

"No. Not even when we- well... yeah. Almost. But it didn't. It wasn't you. You did nothing wrong. I just can't get over you. Over the fact that I never had a chance. Because you never liked me that way. And... I know this is a tough time for you, but I can love you. Fuck, I can love you so much better than he ever could." He said.

"Stop." I whispered weakly. I didn't want the memories to come up. Not right now. Not in this situation.

"No, Harry, I can. I love you! I wish you loved me, too, and it hurts so damn much that you don't. I've loved you for so long, and I just want to be the one that holds you, loves you, makes you happy. But I'm not. And I can't pretend to be. I'm not because you can't let go of him. You can't give me a chance because you're holding onto the possibility of him coming back for you. But that's over, Harry!"

"Niall, please stop." I said, shaking so hard and trying not to cry. He took my hands in his and said "I'm here. I am here. He's not. I love you. Why can't you love me, too? And don't say because you can't because you've never tried! You've never tried. Never gave me a chance. Maybe I'm rambling, but, hell, I love you so much, Harry. And you're so beautiful, and he doesn't deserve you! He doesn't!" He cried.

"NIALL, STOP!" I finally yelled, having enough of this. "You're not thinking straight. It's late. You're tired. We can talk tomorrow, okay? Sleep it off. I should go home now. I need to get Zayn and leave." I said.

"Harry, just... please." He whispered.

"No, Niall. I will not continue this conversation. Not tonight. I just need time alone. Need to think. Please." I begged, and he sighed but nodded. "Thank you."  
\------------------------------------------------------

"It'll be okay, Harry. Sure, the dinner was a bust, but things will get better." Zayn said as we put his last boxes in his car. I was upset to see him go, but I also knew it was a big step for him.

"I hope. I just lost it today. You know with the prison release and everything." I said, and Zayn nodded.

"Yeah. I get it's hard. I understand. Everything seems to be happening so fast right now. Five years went by fast." He said.

"Very." He walked over to the driver's seat, and I followed him to the car. "You sure you don't want to spend the night here? You don't have to leave tonight." I said, just really not wanting to be alone tonight. Everything was just building up quickly. I didn't fancy being alone tonight.

"I have to be there tomorrow morning. I have no idea what time the bus drops off there. I'm just... I can't believe after all these years I get to see Liam again." He said, getting emotional. His eyes became watery, but he was smiling.

"Aww, Zayn. I'm happy for both of you. I know it was hard without him here." I said, leaning against the car as he nodded.

"Yeah. It was. But it was all worth it." He looked at the sky for a second and then said "You know, the day they got arrested, I was so mad at him for telling them I was innocent. I was beyond pissed. I had no idea why he would do that, but then I remembered. He just wanted to protect me. I told him some of my fears. My deepest fears, and he promised to protect me from them. He did it out of love, and I love him so much. I just hope he still feels the same way." He said, sounding a bit upset at the thought.

"Hey, I'm sure he does. You two are so good together. Sure, it took him forever to figure out he loved you right back, but he did, and that's not something you just let go. Especially because it barely started and you never really had a chance. Now you get your chance. So be happy, Z."

"What about you?" He asked as I was about to walk away from the car and let him get in.

"What about me?"

"You and... do you think it'll ever work out? Do you think you two could meet up again?" He asked, seeming a bit hesitant to ask the question, and I understood why. He knew it was a sensitive topic for me. It was something I hardly ever wanted to talk about because the massive amount of pain was still there, still being held in my heart.

"I don't know." I replied, feeling lost and alone. "Nothing ended well. We were so toxic together."

"But you loved each other-"

"Well... I loved him." I said, remembering the time he told me he never truly loved me. It was all for show. Then he said he couldn't love me. He was bad for me. But I needed him. God, I still needed him. Everyday. All the time.

"Harry, as much as you try to deny it you can't. Louis loved you. He loved you so much, and he still does. He still loves you." Zayn said gently, and I smiled and shook my head.

"I wish he did. I wish that was true." Zayn stared at me intensely, and I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking about all the times he's told me to stop denying what I know. That Louis loves me. He told me I was just being ignorant and wanting to push that away for fear of hurting even more. Maybe he was right, but I couldn't believe it.

"When will you open your eyes?" He asked quietly, but I just pretended not to hear what he said.

"You should get going. It's a bit of a drive. Hope tomorrow is a great day for you. And, um... you'll call, right? I sort of want to talk to Liam again, also. I mean, don't call as soon as he gets there- take your time. Reunite. Love each other. But, um, yeah." I said awkwardly, and Zayn smiled.

"I'll call, H. Might even visit tomorrow. Have a good night sleep. Love you, Harry." Zayn said as we hugged tightly. "Stay strong." He whispered, and I nodded.

"Will do. Love you." I backed away, letting him get into his car. He turned the car on, lights shining directly in my eyes, so I put my hand infront of them to block it.

He waved goodbye to me, and I waved right back. I stood there, watching as the tires made a crunching sound against the driveway, and then Zayn drove down the street. That was it. Nothing more or less.

I walked back into my house and closed the door, locking it behind me. I looked around in the dark, hating everything. I gave a shaky breath as I slid down the door and cried into my knees. Because I was alone. Alone just like I always was. Alone. In that small room with no furniture but the bed. Alone. Just like how it all started.


	2. New Starts

ZAYN

I woke up to knocking on the front door, and I groaned. I barely got three hours of sleep the night before and all of my boxes of stuff were still thrown around the house in random places. Even my room was messy right now. Plus, it was only 6:50 a.m. Who knocks on someone's door that early?

I yawned as I got up, hearing the person knock again, and I yelled "I'm coming!" I climbed out of bed, feeling so sleepy. I stumbled around boxes until I finally got to the door and opened it, staring in shock at the person there.

"Hey, love." Liam said softly, wearing a loving smile on his face. I was still so in shock. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I couldn't even think. It couldn't be real. It wasn't real. He wasn't here. But he was.

I moved my hand to my mouth, covering it as my eyes became watery, and I let out a muffled sob. Liam instantly pulled me into a hug and the tears flew freely. I latched onto him tightly, feeling my heart soaring at a new rate it's never met before. I felt like the part of me that died years ago is finally alive again. That hole in my heart was completely restored in this moment.

"Oh my God! I can't believe you're here! Holy shit, Liam!" I cried out, hugging him and holding on like my life depended on it. "Crap! I look horrible!" I realized, pulling away from him.

My hair was all messy and flat from sleep, I was wearing a wrinkled tank top and some sweats that I randomly threw on last night because they were on top of one of the clothes boxes. And now I probably looked even more sleepy and blood shot because of my tears. This was not how I wanted Liam to see me for the first time again.

"You were supposed to come at a reasonable time of day so that I had time to fix my hair and find something attractive to wear. I was supposed to look stunning, not trashy and exhausted!" I pouted, feeling like I ruined everything because this would be his new first look at me, and what if he hated what he saw?

"Zayn, love," He said as he cupped my face in his hands. I looked at him, wanting to cry. "Hey, you look more than stunning. You're gorgeous. Beautiful, even. Even more so than I remember." He said gently, and now I did cry. Again.

"Fuck, I love you." I cried out. This was what I missed. He was the other half of my heart. He kept me strong, sane, and gave me self-confidence. I missed being held by him, and holding him. I missed even just talking to him.

"I love you, too. And I missed you so goddamn much." He said, and then everything finally seemed alright and perfect when he leaned in and our lips met in a kiss.

This kiss was everything. All of the emotions of five years piled up. This kiss was the one I was betrayed when we were split apart. This kiss was the kiss that made me feel again. This kiss was serendipity. This kiss was euphoria. This kiss was love.

Soon, it got heated as Liam pushed me against the wall, resting his hands on my hips while mine pulled his face closer- if that was even possible anymore. I felt like I could hardly breathe, but I never wanted to pull away. It's been so long. Too long. And I never wanted to let go.

We did pull away though, and I grew fearful, remembering the one reason I feared prison. My hands became shaky on Liam's face, and he noticed. He rested one of his hands on mine and spoke between his pants of breath. "It's okay, love. I'm here. I'm here now." He whispered.

"I know. And I want you here. God, I always want you here. B-but... did... did anyone h-hurt you? In there?" I finally asked, closing my eyes, terrified of the answer. I couldn't handle it if anything happened to Liam. It would hurt too much, and I would only blame myself for not turning myself in, even if Liam didn't want that.

"Zayn, please open your eyes, babe. Can I see your beautiful eyes? Trust me." He said. I shuddered a bit, letting out a shaky breath as I slowly opened my eyes and looked into the soft brown of Liam's.

"Nobody hurt me. Nothing happened. I'm fine. You don't need to worry." He said, and I gave a sigh of relief before I gave a dry laugh.

"Sorry. I'm just stupid." I said, looking down at the floor as a tear of thankfulness fell from my eye. I was so happy that nobody hurt him, caused him any pain. It felt good to know that.

"No you're not. I'd be the same way if it was you. In fact, I'd probably be worse because of how much I love you and want to protect you from ever getting hurt again. If anyone even laid a finger on you... I have no idea what I'd do. I'd lose complete control of myself." He confessed.

"I can't believe you said I was innocent." I said, remembering that awful day. "Five years apart is a long time." I said, tracing imaginary shapes on his arm.

"I did it to keep you safe. Even if it hurt to be away from you. You're way too pretty for jail." He said, running his thumb over my cheek lightly.

"Still, it's a lot of time wasted. It's so hard not to just kiss you right now until I run out of breath. To just feel you and be with you." I said, and I gave a surprised gasp as Liam lifted me off of the ground, his hands on my waist. He grinded our members together once, and I moaned softly.

"Five years of sexual frustration, yeah?" Liam asked, seeming as breathless as I felt. I nodded as he rubbed against me again, giving us both friction.

"Pl-please, Li- fuck." I cried out as he gave a harsh thrust and then his lips were on my neck, sucking a dark mark onto my unmarked skin. Needless to say, I missed being marked up by him.

"What do you say we make up for lost time?" He asked, and I gave a quick, desperate nod of my head. He smiled at me before his lips were on mine again, pressed in a much hungrier and passionate kiss. He only broke apart to ask "Where's the bedroom?"

I pointed down the hall, still looking at Liam's lips, just wanting them on mine again. He laughed as I leaned in and kissed him, but he broke away again. "Left or right?" He asked, but I was just so frustrated. Screw the bedroom.

"Just fuck me, Li. Please." I cried out, desperately grinding against him. I wanted it so badly. I needed it. "I don't care where. On the table, the couch, against this fucking wall, just... please." I felt so desperate and needy right now.

"Baby, it's okay. Shh. I've got you. I'll make you feel good, okay?" He asked, and I nodded. "Arms up." He said as he lifted up my shirt and dropped it carelessly onto the floor. I closed my eyes as his hands reached out and his fingertips danced lightly on my skin.

"Want to always remember how beautiful you are. So fucking beautiful." He whispered before he began pressing kisses down my neck and chest. "Love you, Zayn. I love you so much." He whispered.

"Love you, too, Liam." I panted out, already feeling massive pleasure.

"Pants off." He said, lifting me up a bit as he dragged them down and dropped them to the ground with a chuckle. "No boxers?" He asked, and I blushed a bit at that fact, but it was replaced with a groan of pleasure as Liam wrapped his hand around my member and began to pump me. "Bad boy, hmm? Like that?" He growled.

"Oh my God, shit- yes, Li. Hell!" I had no clue what I was saying anymore, but everything felt so good. It was such amazing pleasure, and I just... I needed it. I needed this and more. I needed Liam.

"Fuck, Li. Fuckfuckfuck!" I whimpered, so close to tears from how good it all felt.

"Shh. Baby, just look at me. Look at me." He said. I opened my eyes, feeling one tear slip out, but Liam wiped it away. "You're okay. It's alright, love. I've got you. Just tell me what you need and I'll give it to you. No teasing. No playing. Tell me." He said, and I wanted to just yell out, but I managed to have some control as I told him.

"Need you, Liam. Need you in me. R-right now." I begged.

"We need lube. And I gotta stretch you." He said, speaking to me calmly, but I whined.

"Can't wait for lube. Please, Li. I fingered myself last night." I said, feeling how hard he was against me. It made me want it even more. He felt so big and hard already.

"Fuck." He whispered out before pressing his lips to mine. "You have no idea how hot that sounds." He said, whispering in my ear. "Want me, baby?" He asked.

I whimpered deep in my throat and said "You said no teasing." I felt desperate. It's been five years. I needed something bigger than my fingers up my ass.

"I won't." He said before his hands went down to his shirt, pulling it over his head. My hands immediately touched his chest, loving how toned it was. Liam had muscle- and a lot of it. He was very fit and hot as hell. Definitely daddy material.

He set me down for a second as he took off his jeans and boxers, making me lick my lips in anticipation. I couldn't wait to have him in me, just stretching me to my limits.

He lifted me up again, and I felt his tip touch my hole, making me mewl out. "Yes. Please, Li- shit!" I gasped out as I felt him enter me. He stopped as soon as he was half-way in, giving me time to adjust. It felt so fucking amazing to be this full again, and he wasn't even all the way in!

"Are you okay, love?" He asked, and I nodded, letting out shaky breaths. It was all so overwhelming. I could feel my whole body trembling from the ecstasy I was feeling, and I knew that if I was standing, my knees would have buckled by now.

I took a deep breath as I nodded to Liam, signaling to move in more. He pushed in fully, and I gave out a gasp as he was almost hitting my prostate, but not quite. That very thought drove my crazy. It made me rock a bit on Liam's length, just hoping for some friction and feeling.

"Fuck, Zayn. Feel so good, babe. So tight and warm." Liam said as he began to move. He pulled out almost all the way before thrusting back in, making me a moaning mess as my hands gripped onto his shoulder for leverage, my head leant back against the wall and my eyes closed tight.

"You have no idea how incredibly you look, love. So perfect. So beautiful. How long have you been needing this?" He asked as he finally hit my prostate dead on, making me yell out and choke on a sob before I answered.

"S-since that day. Fuck, Li. I-I-I can't... my fingers weren't enough. I needed you in me." I whined, begging for more right after.

"You're okay, love. I'm here. Right here." Liam whispered as I was all shaky, feeling the tears fall from my eyes at how pleasureable this all was. I haven't felt it in so long, and I loved Liam so much.

"So, so close, Li. Please...." I whimpered. Liam brought my head forward and whispered "Come for me, babe," before crashing our lips together again in a tongue-filled, filthy kiss.

He hit my prostate repeatedly, moving faster and deeper, and it was all too much. The feeling of being between the hard wall and Liam's toned body making my head spin, the slight burn of him inside of me, sliding against my walls, the way he tasted on my tongue- it was all too much.

I finally came, shooting over both of our stomachs and moaning deeply in Liam's mouth. I was shaking as I came down from my high, feeling sensitive with Liam inside of me- so much that I yelled aloud when he finally came. It felt amazing and familiar, and I craved it. I still craved more.

Liam looked at me and smiled. "Amazing. I love you." He said, still inside of me as he kissed my lips gently.

"I love you, too." I said, speaking between my pants of breath.

"Hmm. Now, where else did you say I could fuck you?" He asked, teasing me as he nuzzled his nose along my neck, breathing hotly against my ear lobe.

"Shit. Table. Now." I said. Liam chuckled, but nodded as he carried me over to the table. Now I felt lucky that I didn't unpack anything.  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

I stepped outside of my house and turned to lock the door. Everyday felt the same. Boring and routine. There was no excitement. Sure, Zayn's company was nice, but that was gone now. He had his own place, and I had to learn to be alone- again.

I locked the door and turned to walk to my car, but I felt like someone was watching me. I stopped walking and looked around, seeing nothing in sight. The sky was barely turning bright, the sun almost midway into the sky. Everything was covered in a light haze and the cold morning wind.

I breathed in the cold air, remembering a time when I craved it. A time when the thought of snow falling soon didn't break my heart into pieces. I still loved the cold, but only because it made me feel as numb on the outside as I was on the inside.

I walked to my car and got in, thinking about the day ahead of me. I had to work- yes, but I don't think I'd do anything afterwards. Maybe just wait at home and see if Zayn still visits.

I pulled out of my driveway and began to drive to work. I didn't know if I liked my job. My parents wanted me to take over the family business, so I was an assistant for now. I had my own office- paperwork, people to look after still- but it wasn't me. The thing is, it'd be pretty hard to get out of it. They wouldn't fire their own son, and they wouldn't let me quit. Well, more like I wouldn't try to quit because it'd cause so much drama.

I drove down the road, still having that feeling of being watched- being followed. It was unusual, but it was a feeling I couldn't shake off.

I turned the corner, remembering a time when I could feel the depths of a certain blue eyes staring at me intensely, full of so much love that anger sometimes hid. I remembered those eyes.

I felt a tear fall from my cheeks, and I wiped it away, not wanting to cry. Maybe it was just me being paranoid because of his release today. I don't know, but the feeling felt the same. The intensity of the stare.

I missed him. Fuck, I missed him so much, but it's not like everything could be fixed with a magic wand. We both made mistakes, and neither of us owned up to them. We were too afraid. Of what? I don't even know anymore. But if I could go back and fix it all- I would.

I felt more tears fall, and the pain in my chest was aching now. I could barely see the road with how blurry it was becoming, so I pulled over on a side lane and let it all out. I cried, feeling the warm tears fall down my face at a rate faster than I could wipe them away. It hurt so much. Every thought hurt. Every morning it all washed over me again, like ice cold water that stings against the skin.

"I miss you, L..." I trailed off. There was just too much pain in saying the name right now. I took some deep breaths and laughed at myself for being so broken and weak as I wiped my eyes, trying to stop crying. It was pathetic. Maybe that's why Louis couldn't be with me. I was pathetic.

I shook my head and whispered "I love you," hoping somehow he would hear it, even if he didn't feel the same way.

I drove the rest of the way to work, parking outside of the old grey-ish building. It was way to bland to be something I was interested in. I wanted a less stressful job- something I actually enjoyed. Or maybe I did enjoy this, but that enjoyment was masked away by the smothering authority of my parents- more like my mother.

I climbed out of the car and walked up the steps to the building, seeing the receptionists through the glass doors. I walked inside and they immediately perked up.

"Good morning, Mr. Styles. May I get you anything?" The brunnette one asked, her name was Charlotte, and she got a bit annoying at times. The only receptionist that didn't try to flirt with me and serve me all the time was a blonde girl named Lindy. She was a great friend, but she doesn't know everything.

"No, that's fine." I said as I walked right past her, seeing her mood deflate and her smile drop into a frown. Nothing I could do about it though. She wanted a date, but I'm not interested in anyone but... yeah. And maybe I should move on, but I can't. I can't even think about it.

I walked to the elevator and got inside once it opened up, clicking the button that would take me to my office floor. I sighed and leaned back against the wall of the elevator, closing my eyes and just wishing I could go back in time. I'd do anything for that.

The elevator dinged and I opened my eyes as more people stepped on. I scooted over in the corner, returning their quiet 'hello's' before standing there, not even content in my own thoughts.

I'd rather be anywhere else in the world but here.


	3. All The Pain & The Truth

Chapter 3:

LOUIS

He looked beautiful. Even more beautiful than before. His curly hair grew out a lot, falling in curly ringlets around his face. He wore a long coat, but his legs were still long enough to show at the bottom of it- long, perfect legs that seemed to be covered in skin tight jeans. He also wore boots. Brown boots, and it made me wonder what he was doing in life now.

I watched him from afar, the car I was in I bought with the money I still had in the bank. I needed a way to get around- a way to see if Harry was okay. Because I missed him. Because I loved him. He was my everything.

Five years. A lot can change in five years, but my love for him hasn't. He kept me going in prison. The thought of him did. I sometimes forget who I was and turned into that angry person that all of the jailmates feared, but the thought Harry would remind me that I had a heart. I had other emotions. I just didn't let them show. Only I knew. Liam and I knew.

I was happy for Liam. He was probably with Zayn right now. I left him earlier this morning, not telling him where I was going, but I was here now, and I couldn't deny the fluttering in my heart at how beautiful Harry looked.

He stopped walking to his car and I saw him look around. I ducked down in my car and hid, hoping he wouldn't see me. Eventhough I wanted him. I needed him, but I wasn't ready for confrontation. I don't think either of us were.

He turned back around and walked to his car. I gave a sigh of relief before starting my car as well. I waited until he backed out of his driveway and drove a bit away before I pulled away from the curb and followed right behind him. I was curious on where he was going.

I followed a bit behind him, never losing sight of his car. We drove onto a highway, and I noticed Harry's driving getting a bit shaky. It concerned me a lot. The last thing I wanted was for him to get in an accident. I have no idea how I would react.

Then I saw Harry pull over on the side of the road, and I pulled over on the opposite side, a little further back from where he was. I looked closely at what he was doing, squinting my eyes to try and see, and it broke my heart that he was crying. Not just a few teats falling, but a lot. So many. Just like the day I told him I didn't love him. A waterfall of heartbreak and dispair. It hurt to know I probably got him here- caused it. 

But maybe I didn't. Maybe he was upset about something because the chances of him still thinking about me were slim. Very slim. Still, it hurt me to see him look so broken.

What if someone else hurt him? What if he was with someone, but they hurt him? The thought of him being with someone else hurt me also, but if they hurt him I wouldn't hesitate to make them feel physical pain. I hurt Harry, but I wish I never did. I wish I never made the mistakes I did. I would take it all back in a heartbeat.

Harry's car started up again, but I couldn't follow him anymore. The longing pain in my gut was just too much. I craved him so badly, but I couldn't be near him, not with how badly I've hurt him. Sure, I'll be around. I'll watch over him and make sure he's okay, but I'm bad for him.

I turned my car around, making a few cars honk at me as I switched lanes and began to drive to Zayn's place. Liam texted me the address he got from him, and I just needed to ask Zayn some questions. I needed to know how Harry's been these past five years.

I sped up a bit, not going too far over the speed limit, but definitely passing it. I just needed to know. I missed five years of his life, and I needed to know things about what has been going on.

I got to the house and parked in the driveway. I got out, thinking about all of the questions I wanted to ask him. In a way I was jealous of Zayn. He got to be in Harry's life during all those years. He got to see him grow and become who he is now. He got to be around him. I wanted that. But I fucked up big time.

I went to the door and took a deep breath before knocking on it. I heard someone yell out that they were coming to the door so I waited patiently, well, as patiently as I could. I just felt really unsettled and antsy. I had to know things.

"Louis?" Liam asked as he opened the door. He was shirtless and seemed to be sweaty. His lips were swollen, his hair was quite messy, and he had several love bites all down his neck and chest. I knew what he's been doing, and I felt a bit bad for interrupting, but I had to ask Zayn some things. "Why are you here? You said you'd come back later." He said.

"I know, but... I saw Harry. He didn't see me, but I saw him. That's where I went." I said. Liam looked at me in disbelief and I justified myself. "Li, I had to see him! I needed to check on him. I have to watch over him. I need to protect him. And... I saw him cry. He pulled over on the side of the road and broke down. I need to ask Zayn some things." I said.

"Okay. Um, come in and sit on the cou- or... well, we um sort of-" 

"You fucked on the couch, didn't you?" I asked, already knowing the answer. He nodded and I shrugged. "I'll just sit at the table then." I said, walking over to it.

"We, um-"

"Really? The table, too?" I asked, and he nodded sheepishly. I shook my head and asked "Where did you two not fuck?"

"There's a guest bedroom. We could go there." Liam said. I nodded as we began to walk down the hall and I saw Zayn walk out of a room. He looked cleaner than Liam did- probably because he cleaned up as Liam answered the door.

"Louis? Oh my gosh! What are you doing here?" He asked in total shock. Again, five years is a long time. I actually missed Zayn. I missed him a lot. He was the first person to ever fully be around me all the time. He was probably my closest friend, and he wasn't there for five years. I was okay with it though because Liam did it for Zayn's safety. He loved him so much, and I was happy for them.

"I just need to talk to you. I have a few questions to ask. Then I'll leave." I said, watching as Liam walked over to him and wrapped his arm around his waist. They were really cute together.

"Where are you staying at though? Is it close by?" He asked, looking a bit concerned as we all walked to the guest bedroom to sit down. I sat on the edge of the bed and Zayn sat on a desk chair as Liam left to freshen up a bit.

"I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet. I still have money in the bank, and I guess that'll do for now. Until I find an actual job." I said. "I'm thinking it's gonna be hotel living for a while."

"Why don't you just stay here? This could be your bedroom. I don't need it for anything else." He said. I laughed a bit and said "I'd rather not have to constantly listen to you and Liam going at it like animals all the time."

"W- we don't do that. Not often. It's just the time gap apart made us both really...." He trailed off, looking a bit embarrassed and I smiled at him.

"Hey, it's cool. Both of you stayed true to each other and built up some major sexual tension. I get it." I said, and I really did. I would do anything to touch Harry again, even if I only got to hold his hand or run my hand through his hair, I just needed him. "But we'll talk about living arrangements later. I just have some questions, Zayn." I said.

"Is this about Harry?" He asked, seeming to already know. Of course he would be the number one thing I was curious about. I was basically nothing without him. Nothing but empty.

"Yeah. I just have some things I need to know. And... answer honestly, Zayn. Don't hold a single detail back. Please. Even if it hurts me, tell me the truth. Can you please do that?" I asked, already feeling choked up. Zayn nodded and I thought of what I wanted to ask first.

I took a deep breath before asking "How did he handle these past few years? Was he hurt? Was he fine?" I asked, and I found myself feeling guilty at the fact that I wanted Zayn to say he was hurt. That would mean he cared. He cared a lot and maybe I still had a chance. Just maybe.

"I'm not even sure hurt is the word to describe it." He began. "The first coupld weeks after, all he ever did was cry. Day and night. Cry from dawn 'til dusk. He fell asleep crying and woke up with tears spilling down his cheeks. He was sleepy all the time and so dehydrated. But the tears seemed endless." I was aching for him. The lovely boy who I never should have hurt in the first place. I was only toxic in his life. "Then it got worse."

That made me frown deeply, and I was so scared. "Worse how?" I asked.

"Well, he stopped eating. He would pretend he ate something, but I knew he didn't. I was lucky if I could even get him to eat a fucking cereal bar. It was terrible. And he became numb. Like a walking zombie." He said.

I didn't even want to imagine Harry that way. His beautiful green eues holding nothing but emptiness. No emotions behind them. Much like mine.

"He hardly spoke. Never really wanted to do anything. His mum made it worse." He said, and I gripped at the bed sheets, feeling anger towards his mother.

"What did his mum do?" I asked.

"She kept telling him to move on- leave the past where it lies. She would tell him everything was fine because he was home now, but Harry doesn't see that house as home, Louis. I don't think he ever truly did. Maybe as a young child, but not anymore." He explained. "You know, I was with him in that house for two and a half years. His parents were hardly home. If they were it was for a few minutes before they left again to deal with the business. That business is their first priority it seems. Not Harry. And it makes him so upset, but he hides it so well. Until he breaks."

I felt my breath stop and I saw the saddened look in Zayn's eyes. It made my heart speed up as I managed to ask "What did he do?" I wasn't sure I wanted the answer though. I loved Harry with all of my heart. I just don't know what I would do if he was ever hurt himself.

"He, um..." Zayn paused, seeming like he didn't want to talk about it, and I understood that, but I had to know what happened. I looked at Zayn with pleading eyes, and he nodded sadly.

"I walked in on him one day- his family was away on another business trip- and it was awful. There was glass all over the floor from the mirror across the room. Everything seemed wrecked and ruined, and then there was Harry." He paused again. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, just wanting to know what happened- what he did.

"He was sitting in the corner of the room, crying so badly. He had a shard of glass in his hand, and he was running it over his arm, as if he was trying to find the courage to cut through. It was awful to see and experience." My heart broke at this. He tried again. He wanted to die. Was it all my fault?

"I ran to him. I tried to take the glass from him, but he started yelling and crying harder, telling me that he wanted all the pain to stop. He wasn't special. He didn't deserve to live. How he was nothing and no one wanted him. He gripped the glass so tightly it cut his hand. I begged him to let it go, and he finally did. He fell against me crying heavily. And I began to tell him that he was loved and cared for. By me, Liam, Niall, and you. I didn't say your name, but he knew who I was talking about. I knew he did because his tears were never-ending after that. So I held him until he fell asleep. Then I cleaned up his room and wrapped his hand before leaving." He finished.

I sat in silence. Pure shock at the story. Harry, my beautiful Harry, tried to take his life again. He wanted to die. I wanted anything but that. I wanted him here with me. I wanted to hold him and love him again, but I couldn't. I'm the one who messed it all up for us.

"T-thank you, Za-ayn." I managed to day between my tears and shutteru breaths. "Thank you so much." I cried out, crying harder now. Zayn nodded, hugging me to him and Liam walked into the room.

He stood there silently, and I felt Zayn mouthing and gesturing something to him. He nodded, and I knew he understood what was going on.

He came into the room and sat beside me on the bed. "Louis, as much as you want to deny it aloud, you need Harry. And he needs you just as much, if not more. He's completely broken up without you, and I know you are without him as well. You two were made for each other." He said softly.

I shook my head and cried "I caused him so much pain. So, so much. I was probably one of the reasons he wanted to die that day. The way I told him I didn't love him and never did. Fuck, I'm so stupid."

"You were scared." Zayn said firmly. "You were scared of losing Harry because of one little mistake, and pushing him away was your way to quickly rip off the band-aid. But, Louis, he was scared, also. That's why he blew everything further out of proportion that it was. Because he was scared of losing you just as much. You both made the mistake of hurting each other, but you can fix it. I know you guys can. We can go to his house. We can talk to him and-"

"I can't." I breathed out. "I can't. Not yet. Everything too new. There're too many raw emotions." We all sat in silence for a while before I asked "Is he with anyone?" I found myself terrified of the answer but breathed out a sigh of minor relief when Zayn shook his head.

"No. From what Niall's told me, Harry isn't interested in anyone. Before he met you, Harry was never into anyone, no matter how many people wanted him. And even after you, he still didn't want anyone. That must mean something, Lou. You two are meant to be together." He pointed out.

"Maybe. But we're poisonous together. Two toxins blending up to explode." I said. I smiled after that and then spoke of this morning. "When I saw him today, he was so beautiful. He looks so different, yet so familiar." I stated.

"Yeah. He changed a lot, but his personality never did. He's still caring and loving and very selfless." Zayn added.

"And unhappy." I said softly. "He looked so unhappy. I would give anything to see that bright smile again. His cute little dimples. I would give anything to see his green eyes sparkle as he smiled or giggled or even cried of happiness. Fuck, I know I messed up. All those years ago I messed up, and I hate myself for it. I fucked everything up- pushed away the only thing that gave my life any meaning."

"It'll be okay, Louis. Things'll work out. I know they will. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week, but they have to. Eventually." Zayn replied.

"Thanks. I hope so. Um, I guess I'll leave now. Give you and Liam some more privacy." I said, standing up from the bed.

"But you are coming back, right? You are staying here. It's no trouble at all Louis." Zayn said. I knew it seemed to mean a lot to him, so I sighed and said "Tell you what, I'll stay here as long as while I'm gone, you and Liam don't fuck in this bed."

"Deal!" Zayn shouted, and I laughed. "And you have to talk to him eventually, Louis. You do know that, right?" He asked.

"I don't have to. I could completely disappear from his life forever, but I don't think I'm strong enough for that." I confessed. I knew I wasn't. Such a huge part of me craved and needed him. He was a huge part of me.

"Listen, I know you want to wait a while and work up the courage and stuff, but I'd move fast. Okay? Little has changed about a specific person's feelings since you've been locked up. And I'm not talking about Harry." He said, and I stiffened a bit.

"Niall still loves him." I said. It wasn't even a question, but Zayn nodded. I knew it was true. It's impossible not to love Harry. Once you fall for him, it's never ending, much like a bottomless pit, but it isn't empty. It's such a deep love.

"But... but Harry doesn't love him... like that. Right?" I asked, suddenly feeling quite insecure and afraid of losing his love. If he even felt any love still.

"No. That's the whole point. And as much as it's killing him, he doesn't love anyone but you. The thing is, it's just a matter of time before everything just caves in on him."


	4. Pushing & Pulling Me Down to You

Chapter 4:

LIAM

There was a knock on the door and Zayn groaned, wanting to stay in bed. "Want me to get it again?" I asked. We were both laying down in his bed, feeling tired from the numerous amount of rounds we had. I felt like I couldn't get enough of Zayn. He was everything to me, and it felt so surreal to be with him again.

"I don't want you to leave either." He whined, and I smiled at him. "Well, one of us had to get it." I said.

"Fine. I'll get it." He said as he got out of bed and grabbed a shirt and some sweats to throw on. I found myself running my eyes up and down his perfect body. Zayn was beautiful in so many ways. From his personality to his looks. I felt so lucky and thankful that he loved me. And I just loved hearing him say it.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him in real quick, pressing a kiss to his lips. He smiled into it and cupped my face, pulling me in closer. "Mmm, I love you so much." Zayn breathed out once we broke apart.

"I love you, too. So much more than you could imagine." I said, kissing him gently once more. "Now go answer the door, and I'll be there soon." He laughed at me as he pushed me away and then got up, leaving the room.

I quickly got out of bed and fixed my hair before dressing into some jeans and a white t-shirt. I left the room, hearing Zayn already talking to someone.

"This is a nice place." The person said, and I froze for a second, knowing that voice. It was only deeper and a bit slower. It was strong and smooth. I turned the corner and smiled as I saw Harry looking all around the room and then he looked at me.

"Liam!" He yelled as he came to me and hugged me. I laughed, hugging him back. I think I was very close to Harry when we were in the house. Sure, it was because I felt something towards him at first, but I knew being his friend was my place. All I ever wanted to do was help him.

"Hey, Harry. How've you been?" I asked as we let go of each other. It was really nice seeing Harry again. I just hoped he and Louis could work things out.

"I've been good. Okay. Um, it's great to see you." He said, and I smiled at him. It really did feel great to see him. It felt wonderful to see him! I felt like we really were best friends. Maybe I couldn't replace Niall, but I don't think it's the same as far as feelings go.

"Oh, I just came by to check the place out. Hope you don't mind, Z." He said, turning to look at Zayn.

"No, it's fine, Harry. Um, how long are you planning on staying?" He asked. Harry's face fell a bit at that question, and Zayn quickly tried to amend his words. "Sorry. It's not like that. I just-" 

"It's fine. I understand. I get that you two want as much alone time as possible. I should go now anyway. Niall said he wanted to come over and talk. It was great seeing you, Li. See you both sometime soon." He said as he walked towards the door.

"Harry, you know I didn't mean it that way-" Zayn said, grabbing onto his arm to stop him for a few seconds. I knew what he meant. We both knew Louis would be coming back soon, and I knew that they both weren't ready for any confrontation. Zayn was also aware of that.

"I know. I get it. No hard feelings, Z. Promise." Harry said with as small smile, but I could just see the pain that was hidden in his eyes. He was never like this. Not even when we kidnapped him all those years ago. Saying we kidnapped him feel so surreal considering where we all are now.

Harry pulled his arm free and left out of the door. "Harry, I-" Zayn was going to say, but the door closed and he sighed as he leaned his forehead against it. "Fuck." He whispered, almost disappointed in how he worded his statement.

I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. "I didn't mean it that way, I just knew that Harry and Louis-"

"I know." I whispered. "I get that. Neither of them are ready to see each other and relive the past. Harry would probably have a mental breakdown, and who knows what Louis'd do. It's okay, Zayn." I comforted as I ran my thumb along his hand.

"It's just..." He sighed before turning in my arms and continuing. "I know that Harry feels alone. Not just because he physically is in his house, but he always has. He's felt alone and abandoned, and I feel like my words only made him feel that even more. Unwanted."

"I know. I can tell from the way he looked. But, Zayn, Harry knows that you're his friend. He knows we both are here for him. We both love him. He'll understand why soon enough." I said, not liking the saddened look in his eyes.

"I just wish they would work things out." He said, and I nodded as he rested his head on my shoulder because I wished for that, too. They clearly needed each other to be happy. They needed each other to function. It was stupid to run away from that.

I kissed his cheek and said "I know, love. I know."   
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry...

That same statement was playing over and over again as I drove home. It would be stupid to cry. Zayn and Liam deserved their alone time, and I didn't want to ruin that for them. I should have just waited until tomorrow to visit.

I know Zayn didn't tell me to leave, but he hinted that he wanted me gone as soon as possible. That stung. It stung, especially coming from him, because he was the one who had my back all these years. He was the one who saw me breakdown, caught me at my lowest point, held me when I cried. Zayn was basically like my best friend, maybe even like a brother. He was always there. And, as foolish as it probably is, this was like being tossed out and replaced.

I took a deep breath and chuckled lamely as a tear slipped out of my eyes. I wiped it away quickly and saw another car in my driveway as I pulled up. Niall's.

I knew he wanted to talk, and I knew what it would be about. It was always the same old story. But maybe it would be worse this time. Things got pretty intense last night, and who knows what Niall has to say about it all.

I parked my car and sighed before getting out, immediately seeing Niall also step out of his car and smile at me as he came to hug me. "Hey, Harry." He greeted, and I replied with a small smile.

"Hey, Ni. Let's head in, yeah?" I asked, and he nodded as he followed behind me. I unlocked the door, walking inside and waiting for Niall before shutting it behind me. The whole house was dark, and it reminded me of those dreams I always use to have. The dark shadow that pulled me in with its enticing voice. It always made me want to stay. It always drew me in. And I never knew what the darkness was until knowing almost broke me. Because it was him. It was Louis.

I blinked as the lights were suddenly turned on, seeing Niall pull his hand from the kight switch and walk into the living room. I followed behind him, secretly missing the darkness. It was one thing that gave me comfort. Maybe because you can hide in the dark. You can close your eyes and pretend life isn't what it is. That things aren't what they seem. Sadly, it is what it is- even that hurts to think about.

We both sat on the couch and I decided to finally break this awkward silence. The tension was cutting through both of us, I think. It was too much of a build up.

"So, what did you wanna talk about?" I asked, and I immediately shut my eyes and wanted to be anywhere but here as soon as Niall said one word. "Us."

"No, Harry, you don't have to say anything. Just, please listen?" He basically begged, and I nodded. As much as this would probably kill me to listen to, I would do it. Maybe I could understand how deeply he felt, maybe help him, maybe see how it's affecting him.

"You know how I feel." He began, and already it was too much, but I let him continue. "You always have. I love you, Harry. I love you so damn much that it hurts me. Okay? It actually hurts. I think about you all the time, even when I try my best not to. My brain is like a twenty-four hour you zone. I think about holding you, the way I know he did, but I would never let you go. I'd never hurt you like that." He said, and I squeezed my eyes shut, seeing nothing at all. Darkness behind my eyelids. And I began to see. To see him. The faint outline building as Niall went on.

"I think about kissing you like I have before. Loving the way we fit together that way. How soft and caring it was. And I know you did it for me. You did it because you needed it, and I needed it, but it was never out of love. And I think with love, it would be perfection."

I saw his lips. His beautiful pink lips. The ones I use to kiss freely. The lips that knew what to say and when to say it. The lips to the voice. His beautiful, beautiful voice. The lips that I loved as soon as I saw. The lips that kissed every inch of my body. The lips that knew my own.

"I think about just laying with you. Wrapping my arms around you, running my fingers through your hair, tracing your tattoos the way I think you would enjoy. The way I think would comfort you." He expresses.

I see Louis's arms. His strong biceps and broad shoulders. His hands. His fingers. I can feel his touch. The soft touch that glided over my skin. The tentative fingers that were rough but gentle. The fingers that knew how to caress and feel just right.

"I think about making you smile. Looking into your eyes as we lay in the dark at night. I feel like it'd be hypnotizing. Just me and you." He said.

I saw his smile. Mulitple smiles. The sinister one, the dangerous smirk, the charming one, the thoughtful one, the embarrassed one, the adorable one, and the fond one he wore as he told me he loved me. Then I saw the frown- the pout. That glare and growl he held as he told me he never loved me. I whimpered a bit and then felt Niall take my hand.

"Harry, I don't want this to be way too much for you, but I do think about loving you. I could make you feel good. I can be here for you whenever you need me to be. I love you, and no one can ever take that away." He declared, and that made something in me snap. That last sentence. So close to what Louis has said before.

"I love you and no one will ever take you away from me."

I saw the shadow Louis that I was imagining behind me eyelids, seeing him smile sincerely, saying he loved me and holding me close. My heart swelled, hoping it was true. Hoping he loved me, but I knew it was a lie.

His smile turned into a dark smirk before the warmth of his arms fell away and he looked me straight in the eyes. "I don't love you, Harry. I never did, and I never will. You played yourself." He said, and I snapped my eyes opened as I whispered "You promised."

"What?" Niall asked, looking a bit confused on what was going on, but I couldn't even explain it to him if I tried. He wouldn't understand it.

I looked at our hands and pulled mine away. "He promised." I said again, feeling my chest tighten up and the tears threaten to fall. "He promised, he promised, he promised, he promised..." I went on. It was a mantra playing over and over again. He promised, Niall promised, I promised. What are promises? Broken lies?

"Harry, please. Please tell me what's going on? I'm sorry if I-" Niall began, but I didn't want to hear anything anymore. Not about love. It hurt too much.

I looked down at my hand, the scar that ran through the center of it. I remember that moment. Feeling the pain, and not believing what just happened. But I didn't care after. I still love Louis. And he promised.

"HE PROMISED, NIALL!" I yelled, already up from the couch. I couldn't take this anymore. "He promised he would love me! Always! And he broke it. He broke his promise." I cried out.

"I know he did. I know how it hurt you, Harry, and it kills me to see you in pain. But I would never-"

"Yes, you would." I said with a dry laugh. "You would, Niall. Everyone does. Promises are meant to be broken. You make it, and then you break it." I said, wiping my eyes a bit.

I turned away from him, tugging at my hair a bit before turning back and saying "You know, I don't even get how anyone could say they love me! I'm nothing. Nothing!" I yelled. He was about to say something, but I shook my head.

"No, Niall. Nothing you say or do will make me believe I am worthy of someone's love becauze clearly I'm not! I'm so fucked up! I- I fell for my kidnapper. Who I still cannot get over! I cried every night for years. Years. I- I just- I can't even be alone in a house because it makes me just want to close my eyes and never open them again. And I know it's stupid, but I feel so alone. I've always been alone! No one can change that. You can't make me feel like I'm not alone!" I ranted out between my tears.

"Why not!?" Niall asked, not necesarrily angry, but loud. "Huh? Because I'm not him?" He asked, and I choked on a sob. Yes! I wanted to scream. Yes. Because he's the only one who made me feel whole.

He walked right infront of me and grabbed my arms. "Harry, he hurt you. He left you! And he's NOT coming back! You might think it's love, but even if it is, sometimes love doesn't work out. And I'm sorry he hurt you. I blame myself sometimes for letting you get so hurt and broken up, but you can't always hold onto that past. You have to move on. Let it go, but that doesn't mean you have to forget. Nobody is going to make you forget."

I didn't care. Not really. Maybe it was insane, but a part of me believed that Louis would come back. That we could be happy. I knew it was a fat chance, but I have always known how to look for hope in a hopeless situation. Growing up with hardly seeing your parents gets you that way.

"Niall... he made me feel whole." I finally said. "He is the only one that made me feel that way. He made me feel like I'm not worthless. Like I had someone who was there for me. Not because they had to be. He didn't have to be, but he chose to be. Yes, he hurt me- it hurts like hell- but I- I love him. And I'm just tired. I'm tired of feeling alone. Tired of waking up feeling empty and cold. I'm tired of it all." I said as I sat back down. Niall's eyes followed me before he also came over to sit.

"You know, I went to Zayn's place today. I saw Liam." I said, and Niall looked a bit surprised. "Maybe it sounds strange and idiotic, but... being with them  
.. surrounded by them, I felt safe. Like I belonged there. Because they really do care about me. You and them. Or, at least I think they do." I said with a sigh.

"What do you mean you think they do?" He asked, looking at me curiously.

"I went over and Zayn asked when I would be leaving. I know he didn't necessarily kick me out, but it felt that way- implied. I get that he wants alone time with Liam, but it brought out the pain. The pain of being unwanted and alone." I admitted.

"Harry..." Niall trailed off. He lifted up my chin with his fingers and pressed our foreheads together. He took a deep breath before he opened his eyes and then said "As much as you feel it, you're not alone. You never are." I could tell he meant every word he was speaking. I mean, Niall was always one for telling the truth.

"I am always here for you. Anytime you need someone. Anytime you feel upset. I'm here. I always will be." He looked me in the eyes, and I saw the pleading in his own. "All I'm asking for is one chance. Just one. I promise I will do my best to love you and let you know you're beautiful, and if I can't... if I fail... I'll never bother you about it again."

I laughed a bit as I said "That's what you said about kissing me, but you still did it again."

"I'm serious this time, Harry. Yes, I do love you. I love you so much that it hurts even thinking about it, but I'll stop pushing if you just give me one chance. I want to make you happy." I was going to reply, saying that I was happy, but I saw the begging, pleading, the longing in his eyes.

I sighed as I looked away and closed my eyes. I saw Louis. Louis pushing me away and saying he didn't love me and he never did. Never could. I opened them up and looked at Niall, basically begging to be mine.

We sat in silence, long winding seconds that were like knives. Finally, I said "Okay."

Niall gave me a wide smile as his eyes watered up a bit, and I tried to mimic it, but it wasn't in me. I made Niall happy, but it only made me feel even more empty.


	5. Half A Heart

HARRY

Last night, it was harder than ever to fall asleep. I had constant thoughts running through my mind and terrible pain shooting through my heart. Like a stab of glass straight through the center. I felt even more stuck than I already was.

I was glad that Niall was happy. He deserved to be happy, but I just wish there was another way to make that happen. I don't know how he could love me after all these years of rejection. Why did he even love me? I thought we were always best friends until the actual day he told me he liked me. How did it progress so much?

I sighed as I got out of bed, already knowing sleep would be hard to get back to after trying so hard to fall asleep last night. It was just out of the question.

I got up and walked into the restroom, looking in the mirror. I looked tired. My eyes had bags that were dark, my hair looked a mess, and I looked really pale. It was because of this that I refused to believe I could ever be beautiful or attractive at the least. Because I wasn't. I was far from it.

I closed my eyes for a second, remembering the first time Louis touched me. He stood me in front of the mirror, and pointed out things that could have been the reason Liam and Zayn liked me. I know now it was the things he liked about me- the things he found attractive. There were many, and it amazed me to think that I actually felt wanted and desired.

I opened my eyes again and looked at myself. I could almost hear Louis talking, saying things that I would only ever hear in my dreams at night. But it was reality. The words actually came out of his mouth. And overtime, he grew to love me, even as I am.

I stopped looking at myself and wiped away a few tears that fell. I missed him, and I needed him here. I just needed his arms around me, holding me and letting me know everything would be alright.

I sighed, knowing that couldn't happen. I didn't even know where Louis was. He could be anywhere in the world right now, and he could have moved on. He could have forgotten my very existance, and that thought made me numb. I just needed something, and I hated myself for what I was about to do.

I picked up my phone and called Niall. It only rang three times before he answered. "Hello? Harry? Are you okay? It's three in the morning." He said, sounding as if he was attempting to sound more awake.

"I know. I just can't sleep. And I'm sorry to bother you, but could you come over? I just don't want to be alone." I said, and I hated how needy and vulnerable I sounded, but I really hated being all by myself. It reminded me of the past and that empty room in Louis's house- before any of the love came.

"Yeah. Of course. I'll be there as soon as I can." He said, and I thanked him gently, knowing that I was probably making an annoying request, so I was glad he wasn't mad. I heard Niall say a quick 'I love you' as I hung up, and it made me freeze and think about what I was doing.

I was inviting Niall over so early in the morning. I was probably leading him on, I mean, I said yes to him, but my heart isn't in it. What if this makes him think we are actually so good together? I didn't want to get his hopes up like that, but I was being selfish, and I was using him. If Louis couldn't be here, I needed someone to be.

It was usually Zayn who made me feel calm and collected whenever I was acting this way, but he moved out, and he has Liam now. He might not even want to be a part of my life anymore, but I hope he does. I hope they both do.

I held onto my necklace. I have never taken it off, and I feel like it would absolutely break me if I did. It's my last lifeline to Louis, and I wanted to keep it- wrapped around my neck, close to my heart- or the half a heart that was there.

I jumped a bit as I heard a knock on the door, and I didn't know what to feel. Regret for calling Niall? Thankful he actually came? Disappointed in myself for using him? I didn't know.

I got up and answered the door, seeing Niall with slightly messy hair from sleep. Still, he smiled at me and said "Hey, Harry." I nodded, not in the mood to talk. I stepped aside and let him in. "So, what's wrong?" He asked.

I shrugged, not wanting to tell him that I just didn't really fancy being alone. It was too much like that room. It was too much like my old room. Empty and cold. It felt like I felt inside. It was lonesome, and it allowed my thoughts to wonder to places I didn't want them to go back to. Every second was a struggle- an internal battle- with myself.

Niall walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I stopped myself from pushing his hands away, knowing that I'm the one who called him here, and he was just trying to comfort me. And isn't that what I wanted? Comfort? Yes, but not from Niall.

"Harry, you can tell me anything, you know that. If we're dating, I want to be the best boyfriend I can be. I can't do that if I have no idea what's going through your mind. I just want to make you happy. Please tell me what's wrong." He begged.

"I just don't want to be alone right now." I said, leaving it short and simple. I wouldn't tell him about all the memories it brought back. I wouldn't tell him that it made me want to do dangerous things to myself. And I definitely wouldn't tell him that he was my distraction.

"Hey, it's okay, love. I'm here now." He said, and I squeezed my eyes shut as he called me 'love'. It didn't sound right coming from him. None of it did. Niall was my best friend, and I never saw him as anything more. I didn't want all the best names and the romance.

He opened his mouth, about to talk again, but I didn't want him to say anything more, and I definitely didn't want to hear him say he loved me. So, I closed my eyes again and leaned in, kissing Niall to get him to stop talking, and to distract myself from everything around me.

He immediately kissed back, but I knew he would. I knew Niall's feelings for me, and I hated taking advantage of them, but I was just that awful of a person. I hated it, but the pain inside of me would allow it.

We walked all the way to my room, never breaking the fast pace our lips were moving in. Niall sat down on the bed and I crawled onto his lap, straddling him as we snogged. His hands went to my waist, and I had to force myself to just keep on kissing him, even though I knew his hands didn't feel right. They weren't as warm. They weren't as soft. They weren't as small yet strong. It was all off.

I felt one single tear glide down my cheek, but I wiped it away quickly before Niall felt it against his cheek as well. I couldn't continue kissing him anymore. I felt him getting slightly hard from having me on his lap, and knowing that I was kissing him for my own benefit made me feel horrible.

I stopped the kiss quickly, and we were both panting for breath. Niall's eyes stayed looking at my lips, but I shook my head and crawled out of his lap. "Sorry." I whispered guiltily, but I don't think he noticed the guilty tone I had because he smiled and said "You don't have to apologize, Harry. We're boyfriends now. We can do whatever you want to do. I'll be right there with you." I nodded, but knew we wouldn't be doing much at all. Hell, I could hardly even snog him without feeling even more broken and guilty.

"Okay." I simply said. "Can we lay down now?" I asked and Niall nodded, pressing one small peck to my lips that made me flinch in surprise, but he didn't notice. He just smiled sweetly at me, and I laid down, turning away from him. I felt his arm wrap around my waist, and I just laid there as I listened to Niall's breathing settle, showing that he had fallen asleep.

I gently took his arm off of me and laid on my back, looking up at the ceiling. Yes, Niall was here with me, but the room still felt ominous and empty. Lonely. And I knew only one person could fix that.

I felt tears fall from my eyes, and I hated crying, but I couldn't help it. I turned back onto my side and curled up, crying silently so I wouldn't wake Niall. He wasn't the one I needed here. He couldn't fix the emptiness of the room, he couldn't fix the thoughts running through my mind, and he couldn't fix the one thing I needed fixed the most because only Louis could. Only Louis could fix the hole in my heart.  
\------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS

I felt super tired as I got out of bed. Getting sleep was just so hard these days. It wasn't the same. I missed having Harry lay by my side, keeping his half of the bed warm. I miss wrapping my arms around him and letting him snuggle onto my chest. I missed whispering sweet words to each other in lazy, sleepy voices. I missed all of it. All of him. It hurt to think that someone else could be doing that for him right now.

Zayn said he didn't think Harry was with anyone, but that didn't mean he had to stay alone. He could have been sleeping with someone, but it didn't seem like something Harry would do. Harry was sweet and kind and serious in a relationship. He wouldn't just sleep around.

I shook my head, wanting to just pull myself out of my thoughts. I walked out of my room and heard Liam and Zayn talking in the kitchen. They were laughing and they seemed to be playing around. I smiled because, truth be told, they were the closest people to me, and I was happy they loved each other. Plus, living with them felt natural. It felt like a place I belonged. If only someone wasn't missing from it all.

"Good morning, Louis!" Zayn said in a giggling fit. I raised an eyebrow and he explained. "Oh, Liam was just being stupid while I was trying to cook. No big deal." I nodded and sat at the island in the center of thr kitchen.

"So, what are you making?" I asked him, picking at the fruit that was on the center of the island.

"Waffles with blueberries. Want some?" He asked, and I shook my head. "No thanks. I think I'm gonna go out and get something. Besides, I need to look for a job." I said.

"That's true. What were you thinking of doing?" He asked, and I shrugged. The only jobs I've had all my life were criminal ones, but that was when I was nothing but a cold, angry person with a heart of stone. That was before Harry.

"I might just get a simple job. Maybe help out as a mover. Or a gym if I can find one. Kind of limited options." Liam said, and I knew what he meant. People weren't too keen on hiring someone that was arrested for kidnapping. It would be nearly impossible to get a job.

"I'll look around town, but I don't know if I'd find anything." I admitted. I don't even think I was good at anything. I didn't have any real skills. I didn't even know if I could keep my temper down the whole time. I would try though. Just like I tried for Harry, I would hold it in.

"Well, I'm gonna head out now. Saw a bakery a few blocks back. Maybe I'll just grab something from there. I'll be back before it gets dark." I said as I stood up from the island and left the kitchen, hearing them both call out their goodbyes to me.

I left the house and went over to my car. I got in and pulled out of the driveway, making my way to the little bakery I saw. Once I was there, I ordered a raisin bagel and some tea and sat at one of the tables. I had to really think about possible places I could get a job.

I guess I could go for a mover job like Liam, but I didn't fancy moving people's boxes in and out of their homes for a living. Yet, the only places I think would hire me were heavy working jobs like that. Classy places or resturants probably wouldn't dare.

I sighed, drinking my tea and feeling the warmth of it travel doen my throat. I closed my eyes and pinches my bridge of my nose, trying to think of anything I was interested in.

I certainly couldn't do anything with kids, the background check would immediately eliminate me as a choice. I didn't particularly want an office job- it was just too bland for me. I wasn't smart enough to be a computer tech or anything like that, and I never went to college, so that threw a lot of jobs out of the window.

I was basically helpless. I can't work at a jewlert store. They would probably think I would steal something. I can't work at any place that may have kids or expensive things, so where could I work?

I was just about to give up and throw away my things, but I saw one of the workers walk outsude with a sign. They put it up in the window, and my heart leaped as I read it. 'HELP WANTED- Apply inside.' Why not?  
\------------------------------------------------------

I walked back into the house, feeling so thankful I found a job before it was even afternoon. I was ready to tell Zayn and Liam the good news, but I froze as I heard Zayn talking on the phone.

"Are you sure that's what's best, Harry, I-" He was cut off it seemed, and I heard him give a small sigh. "You should only do it because you want to, not because someone else wants you to." He said, and that definitely sounded like Harry. He would always try and make others happy before himself.

"No! You can't come over!" Zayn yelled out in a rush. It fell silent for a minute before he said "No, Harry. Of course I'm your friend, and I want you here, but I can't... things are complicated right now. Maybe I can go over to yours today."

I felt a bit bad. Was Harry feeling left out or abandoned by Zayn? 

If he was, he probably thought it was Liam's fault because they just wanted to be together, but it wasn't. If he was, it was because of me being here.

"Yes, I know." Zayn said, and then he paused as I walked into the living room where he was. He looked at me and sighed before saying "No. I don't know where he's staying. I've spoken to him, but I have no clue where he is." They were talking about me. Harry still talked about me. It made my heart clench in my chest.

"Harry, please don't cry. It'll be okay. I know you do, but-. Look, I'll be over soon. I can stay the night with you if you want. Just like it used to be." He offered, and it was silly of me to feel a hint of jealousy, but I did. Zayn got to be with him and hold him when I couldn't. I knew he loved Liam, but there was a time when he liked Harry.

"Okay. I'm sorry, Harry. I promise I want you here, but maybe not for a while, yeah?" He asked. "Alright. I'll be there soon. Bye." He hung up the phone and groaned into his hands as I went over to sit by him.

"What happened?" I asked, and Zayn hesitated for a second. "Well, Harry thinks I don't want to be friends anymore or something. I mean, he came by yesterday-"

"What? He was here yesterday? For how long?" I asked, feeling like crying at the fact that Harry was here. He was here, and eventhough I was sure I wasn't ready to see him, I wish I could've seen him then. For a split second at the most. He was so close.

"Not for long. He left because he assumed I didn't want him here. It's just that I know neither of you are ready to see the other. I was trying to prevent the aftermath it would have if you did see each other. He took it personally though. He always does." I knew he did. You could tell him the smallest thing, or the biggest lie, and he would think it to be true. It pained me that he was that insecure to believe it.

"Invite him over tomorrow." I said, and Zayn looked at me in shock.

"Louis, I can't! You're still here, and if you two see each other too soon-"

"I know, Zayn. I'll just go out somewhere. I'll be gone for hours. And I'll call you to ask if he's still here." I said, and Zayn looked unsure still. "Zayn, please." I said, grabbing his arm. "I don't want Harry feeling abandoned or unwanted. Not by anyone else. And not because of me again." I said.

"I know, Louis, but I just can't. Harry can be unpredictable sometimes. I might think he's left, but then you'd come back, and he's probably come again unannounced for something else. It's too risky." He said. "I'm sorry." He patted my hand before getting up and grabbing his coat so he could leave.

A part of me had the urge to yell at Zayn like I use to. To blow up in his face, but I couldn't. I promised no more anger like that. So, I sat there, feeling all of my hurt and frustration eat away at me. Harry needed someone, but was I strong enough to be that someone he needed? Or was I still the same screw-up that broke his heart?


	6. I Hate This Part - Paper Hearts

HARRY

I woke up finding a note in the place Niall previously was. I picked it up and read it briefly. 'Harry, sorry I couldn't be with you, but I had to go in to work. Talk to you soon. Love you!'

I felt the frown as it formed its way on my face. Was I doing the right thing? Staying with Niall because it helped him feel better. Or was I only damaging him and myself even more? Why was it so hard to do the right thing? Why was it so hard to love someone? But I knew. Because I was already in love with someone. They just weren't here.

Louis. I found myself smiling a bit at the name. Louis. He was everything to me and more. Just thinking of his laugh and his warmth made me feel as if I could just call him up and ask him over and everything would be fine. But I knew it wouldn't be. I don't know his number, and I don't think he would even want to talk to me.

I looked at the clock, seeing it was almost twelve in the afternoon, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do about the whole Niall situation or how to handle it. I didn't know how to handle any of it. I shouldn't have ever said yes to him, but he looked so broken and hopeful. And he promised. If it didn't work, he's never try again. Was it too early to say it's not working?

'Stop it, Harry.' I told myself. 'You aren't even trying in this relationship.' I'm basically leaving Niall out high and dry, but I couldn't bring myself to even pretend I loved someone else. It was so damn painful.

I looked over at my phone on the nightstand as it began to ring. I groaned, hoping it wasn't Niall, but as I looked at the Caller ID, I wish it was. I answered it and said "Hello, mum."

"Hello, Harry. Listen, I want to apologize for my behavior at the dinner. I know that none of this stuff is easy for you, and I know it must have something to do with what happened five years ago, but that's all in the past now. Everything's okay now." She said.

"Mum, could you please stop bringing up the last five years?" I asked, sighing just thinking about it. It's not like I need her eeminding me of it all as well. I was thinking about it every single day.

"Oh..." She trailed off a bit, seeming shocked. "I haven't realized that by talking about I may be making it hard for you. I'm sorry, Harry. If you want it to fade out, we can do that. I won't bring it up again." She said.

"Thank you, mum. Now, is that all you wanted? To apologize?" I asked, more than ready to hang up the phone. But she kept on talking.

"Oh, no. I wanted to talk to you about some aspects of the business as well." She said, and I tried not to sigh. Talking about the business would be the last thing I'd want to do. I hated the business. It was all my parents ever use to talk about.

"Your father and I were thinking about taking a trip to Australia. There's an opportunity to put a branch of our company out there. What do you think?" She asked.

I really wanted to just tell her that I couldn't care less, but I held myself back and said "Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. Australia could be a big market. When are you going down?"

"This weekend. Your dad is now buying plane tickets. So while we're gone, you're going to be fully in charge of all business transactions here. Call us if you ever need help on anything though." She said.

"Alright mum. I will. Just have a safe flight to Australia." I said.

"We will. And Harry," She said just as I was about to say bye and hang up. I raised an eyebrow as she continued. "We're both so proud of you. Helping out in the business. You'll be a great CEO." She said before she told me she loved me and hung up.

I felt stuck. I didn't want to be a part of the business, but I knew I was the one my dad wanted to give it to when he couldn't do it anymore. That thought made me crumble and accept the job when they first told me about it. It was like a guilt trip. I just didn't want them to be disappointed in me either.

I was tired of doing things for other people, but it seems that's the only thing I'm good at. Whenever I try to do something for myself it leads to fights and pain. Sometimes to the people I love. I couldn't hurt anyone like that. Not even Niall anymore. I was tired of being that useless person who only pulled other people down. I was tired of resisting things, but still, there was a part of me telling me to fight and hold on.

I sighed and then groaned, seeing Niall's note again. I didn't feel like this as right. Any of it. I grabbed my phone and called the only friend I've had over the years, the only person qho was there for all my breakdowns and low points. Zayn. I just hope he actually picked up.

I held the phone to my ear, hearing it ring before he answered with a low "Hello?"

"Hey, Zayn. It's me. I just... listen, can I talk to you about something?" I asked, not sure how to tell him about the change of Niall and I's relationship status. I didn't know how he would react to it.

"Yeah. You can talk to me about anything, Harry, you know that. What's up?" He asked so casually, and that made me even more nervous for some reason.

"Okay, well I, um..." I cleared my throat and said "I said yes to Niall. Niall and I are... dating?" It seemed so weird to say, and I just wish it was someone else's name.

"You seem pretty unsure about that, H. Why did you say yes? Because Niall has been after your heart for years, but you've never accepted any advances. Why did you choose now to say yes?" He asked.

"I just... I don't know. He kept talking and going on and on about how much he thinks about me and he kept saying things about how he could love me better. I don't believe it, God I could never believe anyone who said that, but I closed my eyes to try and block it all out, and I saw Lo- him. Every little feature, and then him saying he didn't love me, and it was all too much. Do I really want to date Niall? No. He's my best friend. But he's all I've got right now. Maybe he's right about Louis never coming back. Maybe it's for the best." I said with a shrug, but I felt like crying at the though.

"Are you sure that's what's best, Harry, I-"

"I know what you're gonna say. What I'm doing is wrong and stupid, but it's my way of forgetting. Maybe I need to try? Even if I don't want to be in a relationship with him." I muttered out. "He just looked so upset and pained. I couldn't make him sad anymore, so I said yes."

"You should only do it because you want to, not because someone else wants you to." He said. I knew that. That's how a healthy relationship works, but I couldn't hurt people anymore. Not when I was already dead inside.

"I don't know, I just- can I come over?" I asked, hoping he would say yes, but he had an outburst.

"No! You can't come over!" He basically yelled, and those words went straight to my heart. Zayn was all I had for so long, and it felt like he was just getting rid of me now. Was I that bad? 

"Zayn... do you not want to see me anymore? You can just tell me you aren't my friend anymore and that you want me gone. I'll- I'll understand." I said, swallowing thickly to hold in tears. God, I was such a crybaby.

"No, Harry. Of course I'm your friend, and I want you here, but I can't... things are complicated right now. Maybe I can go over to yours today." He offered.

"I just need help, Zayn. My life feels so fucked up, and I don't know what to do. I hate this house." I said. I hated it because I hated being alone. I've always been alone.

"Yes, I know." He said, sympathy dripping off of his tongue, but I didn't want his sympathy. Still, I needed something. Someone. I hesitated before I asked.

"Um, d-do you know where, um, where Louis is? Where he's staying maybe? I just need to know." I said, not being able to hold back the few tears that fell. I actually said his name aloud, and it hurt. It cut me so badly, but it was nice at the same time.

"No. I don't know where he's staying. I've spoken to him, but I have no clue where he is." He admitted, and my shoulder sunk down in helplessness. I couldn't help the tears as I cried out "I miss him so fucking much, Zayn. I miss him. I love him." I sobbed, I could hardly speak as I clutched the phone tightly. I only wanted Louis.

"Harry, please don't cry. It'll be okay. I know you do, but-. Look, I'll be over soon. I can stay the night with you if you want. Just like it used to be." He said, and that thought made me smile a bit, but not even Zayn can push the ache away.

"Yeah. Sure. I'll be here." I said in quiet sobs.

"Okay. I'm sorry, Harry. I promise I want you here, but maybe not for a while, yeah?" He asked. I only gave a small yes before he said, "Alright. I'll be there soon. Bye."

I closed my phone and shut my eyes, crying heavily as all the memories of the boy I love came flooding through my mind. I missed him so much, but I guess he didn't feel the same.  
\------------------------------------------------------

"Hey, you okay?" Zayn asked softly, a gentle yet sad smile on his lips as he walked into my house. I gave a small nod, not trusting my voice with that questions because was I okay? I don't believe so. Will I ever be okay? Hard to tell.

"Wanna talk about everything?" Zayn asked, and I shook my head.

"No. I'd really love a distraction from it all. Maybe a movie and some pizza?" I suggested, and Zayn smiled widely at that suggestion, making me feel just a bit better.

I ordered the pizza, getting one with canadian bacon and one hawaiian. They were probably my favorite kind of pizzas. As soon as I finished ordering them, I walked out to Zayn, seeing that he was already putting a movie into the DVD player. I rolled my eyes and laughed a bit as I saw it was Saw. "Oh good. Pizza and gore." I joked.

"They're great movies. Figured we could have a little marathon. Besides, what better to get your mind off of things than being terrorized?" He said. I guess that was true. The mind tends to focus on scary things more than it does on anything else.

"Okay then, let's watch." I said, sitting down on the couch beside Zayn. Truth be told, I really liked the Saw movies, even if they were gruesome in some way. Most ways.

I groaned aa the doorbell ranv, signaling that the pizza has arrived. "I'll get it." Zayn said, laughing at my behavior.

"Thanks Z. You're a life-saver." I said. He got up and ruffled my hair a bit, making me glare at him before fixing it. As he walked away, I couldn't help but smile. This was just how it was all those five years. Zayn and I became close, and I am so thankful for having him as a best friend.

Zayn came back and the night went on with both of us scarfing down pizza and cringing everytime a character had to do something disgusting to stay alive. I couldn't decide which was worse, needing to get a key out of your eye, or cutting off your own leg to escape a chain. All I can say is that if I were ever in such a terrible position as the people in the movie were, I would definitely be dead.

As soon as the movies were over, it was barely 7:35 pm. I already texted Niall, telling him that I'd be fine tonight because I was just having some hang out time with Zayn. When he only messaged back 'that's fine.' I knew it was anything but fine for him, but I didn't care. Zayn was my best friend, and it's not like we liked each other. He loved Liam, and I loved-.

I stopped my train of though, not wanting to think of him right now. Well, the smaller part of me didn't. "So, how are you and Liam?" I asked suddenly.

Zayn looked over with a raised eyebrow before he smile, probably just thinking of the man he loved. It was adorable. Zayn had such a bad boy appearance and seeing him completely melt for love was an amazing sight.

"It's great. Very great. It still feels so surreal, the fact that I can actually touch him again. The fact that he's actually here. Can I admit something to you?" He asked, and I immediately nodded. He was always listening to my secrets and stuff, so I'd happily do the same for him.

"I sort of thought that Liam would be a different person when he came back, but he's not. He's still the same loving, adorable, and caring person. And he still loves me. Eventhough that's hard to believe at times." He said.

"Zayn, Liam loves you. He always will. Why would you ever doubt that?" I asked.

"Didn't you doubt Louis?" He asked, and hearing his name out of nowhere like that hit hard. I shit my eyes, feeling so much guilt fill me up inside for even being with Niall right now. "I'm sorry Harry, I-"

"It's fine. I'm good." I said. "Besides, I'm with someone else. Gotta forget you know." I said, trying to force a smile, but I felt so broken, and I guess my facade just cracked because I couldn't hold the tears in anymore. They slipped down my cheeks, feeling warm and wet. They fell too fast.

"Oh, Harry." Zayn said, pulling me into a hug. "You're clearly not happy at all. Why don't you end it with Niall?" He asked.

"It'll gut him. He was so happy when I said yes, and I don't need to break anyone else. I don't want to be anything lower than what people expect me to be." I said. Niall expected my love and devotion, my parents expected my dedication and professionalism, and the world expected someone who could handle it all.

"They shouldn't expect anything from you but to be who you are. You're broken, Harry. And if there is any way to fix you, you have to take that risk. They'll all understand." He said, but I shook my head. They wouldn't. They'd be hurt and disappointed. I can already imagine their faces and their words. Still, there was only one person that mattered above them all.

"How's Louis?" I asked, my voice breaking. Zayn shook his head and said "I don't think now's the time to talk about Lou-"

"Zayn, please." I cried, and he sighed before saying "He's... well, he's okay. As okay as he can be. He's still the same person. From what Liam has said, he's not as angry at the world anymore. You taught him how to feel."

I nodded, taking that all in. Louis actually kept feeling. He didn't turn cold to the world again, and that meant the world to me, even if it wasn't for me. I didn't even know if he still thought of me, but I thought of him every single day.

"I just miss him so much." I cried out before sobbing into Zayn's chest.

"Shh. I know, H. I know. It'll be okay...." He trailed off as if he wanted to say something else but wasn't sure he should. "Wherever he is, I'm sure he hasn't forgotten you." He said, but he sounded like he was holding back. It didn't matter to me though. Not right now.

"It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to remember me. I walked away from him. I ended it all even when I could have given in at the last second. Sure he broke me, but I was the one who walked away last." I said, accepting that fact, though a part of me hopes he wouldn't forget me.

"Harry, you-"

"Everything's okay, Z." I said. I looked over at the clock and saw how late it was. "Can we just go to sleep?" I asked, and Zayn nodded.

He sighed and said "Of course, Harry. C'mon." We both stood up, and I trailed behind Zayn as we made our way to my bedroom. We walked into the room, and I was thankful that he was going to sleep with me. Zayn was honestly a great friend. Even after everything, he let things slide and still decided to comfort me to sleep. He knew I didn't like being alone.

We both got into bed and I said "Thank you, Zayn. Sorry for being so much to handle. You should be home with Liam right now." I confessed, feeling guiltiness slide through me.

"It's alright, Harry. You're my best friend. I'll always be here. And Liam's okay with it. I talked to him about it on my way here. It's all good. Go to sleep." He said.

I nodded, not knowing if Liam really was or not, and put my arm underneath my pillow, gripping it a bit as I closed my eyes, already knowing it would be a difficult night as visions of Louis flashed through my mind. I missed him. I loved him. I needed to see him again. But I knew that would only cause a bigger tear in my heart. To see him but not be able to call him mine. Because he probably moved on. I was nothing to him. Nothing but a toy to manipulate. Bit I'd rather be a toy to him than nothing at all. And maybe that was my problem. My heart was like paper in his hands. He could fold it, bend it, or break it, but it'll always be his. Yet, that was the only way I wanted it to be.


	7. I'll See Your Face Again

LIAM

"I'm sorry I won't be there tonight, Li. Harry just seems so stressed, and I don't want to leave him alone right now. The last time he felt this low and was alone, he almost... I don't want him to do that ever again." Zayn said, and I understood. I loved how he was so caring, and I was also worried about Harry- if I'm being completely honest.

"It's okay, Zayn. One night apart won't hurt. Besides, Harry needs you. You're the only person who he's truly been able to speak to about everything these last five years. I understand." I said softly.

"So you're not upset or angry?" He asked, and I shook my head, even if he couldn't see me through the phone.

"Of course not. I get that you want to help Harry out. I want him to be okay, too. Just try to get some sleep tonight as well. And call me if you need anything, alright?" I asked, and he hummed as his responding yes.

"Okay. I love you, Liam. So much." He said, and I never got tired of hearing those words leave his lips. It still made my heart burst with all of the love I felt for him. I can't believe he was all mine.

"I love you, too, Zayn. Be careful." I said, and he promised to before we both hung up with small goodbyes. I sighed and set my phone down on the coffee table, looking at the TV and finding absolutely nothing entertaining on.

"Hey, Liam. Want some Chinese take-out?" Louis asked as he walked into the house with a bag full of food. "Sure." I responded as he set the bag onto the table and sat beside me on the couch.

"Is Zayn still not back yet?" He asked as he took out one of the cartons and a pair of chopsticks to eat with. He sat back against the couch as he scooped some noodles into his mouth.

"He's not coming back tonight. He's gonna stay with Harry and make sure everything's alright." I said, and Louis froze. He stopped eating, setting his food down onto the table and looking down at his hands.

"What does he mean by alright? Is something wrong with him? Did he try to... please say he didn't try again." He said, his voice sounding like a small whimper, and I knew what he was referring to. He didn't want Harry to try and attempt suicide again- none of us did- but Louis absolutely broke just thinking of it.

"No." I quickly said. "No, no, no. He didn't. I promise." Louis nodded, closing his eyes and resting his head in his hands for a second. I decided to continue to explain. "I don't one hundred percent know what's going on, but it's not that. Zayn just told me he was stressed about things. His parent's pressure most likely." I assumed.

"It pisses me off that they expect so much from him." Louis said, balling his hands into fists. Louis always tried his best to control his anger, but during our sentence in prison it slipped at times. It would usually lead to him fighting one or more guys and leaving them all bruised and bloody. Long story, short, Louis was quickly known as someone to not mess with.

"It pisses us all off, but there's nothing we can do about it unless Harry's willing to stick up for himself as well." I said, but Louis shook his head.

"He won't. Not unless someone gives him that little push he needs to do it. I use to push him all the time. I guess I pushed him too hard as well. I wish he wasn't afraid to be true to himself. He's just so lost, and that terrifies me." He admitted.

"I know. It scares me as well, but we have to try to remember that Harry is a strong person. He may be lost, but he'll find his way. We have to just have a bit of faith in him." I replied.

"I just wish I was brave enough to talk to him. Even through a fucking phone, but I'm just a coward. God, I still remember that look on his face when I broke him. I relive that moment every day and every night. I should have never said that I didn't love him. I will never forgive myself for that." He said, and we both fell silent. I could tell that Louis was struggling with so many emotions right now, and I wanted to help him, but I knew I couldn't. The only one who could was Harry, and he thought being in any sort of contact with him would be like putting poison into Harry's life.

"Were you here when Harry came over?" He asked, seeming desperate for an answer.

"Yeah. Yes I was." I admitting, remembering how Harry smiled at me but still seemed so broken underneath. His eyes held a sadness that not even the brightest smile could cover up.

"H-how was he?" He asked, stuttering a bit as his voice cracked with overwhelmed. I knew Louis craved and ached to be around Harry again. To touch and hold him, and I wish he would just see that they need each other and just go for it.

Half of me was tempted to lie to him and say Harry was fine, but I knew that would make things worse. That would make Louis think that Harry didn't need him, and he would only hurt more. I knew Louis was hurting. He didn't show it often, but it was there in his undertone.

"Well, he seemed like he was trying to keep himself together. He had a smile on his face, but it didn't reach his eyes. He tried though. He tried looking fine. I just think he lets his guard down a bit more around Zayn, seeing as he was the only person he had to talk about everything with." I said.

I knew Louis was a bit jealous of the fact that Zayn got to be around Harry for the past five years, but I could also tell he was angry at himself for not being there for him.

"I was so stupid. Why did I even keep him as a hostage all those years back? Why didn't I just let him go? Why did I have to get attached to him? Why did he have to make me feel things? Incredible things. He made me feel them, and then I broke him! I broke him and then I felt nothing but pain! All the time! Just a searing pain slicing through my heart like an open wound. I JUST HAD TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP!" He yelled, standing up from the couch and threw his food at the wall in anger and angst.

I set my food down, feeling so sorry for everything Louis felt. He blamed himself for everything. Every little action. I never told him, but I would wake up at night sometimes while we were in our cells and hear him having nightmares. He would sometimes cry in his sleep and beg Harry to forgive him. I made sure nobody else heard. But I knew how broken he truly was.

I stood up as well and put my hand on Louis' shoulder. "Calm down, Louis. It's not your fault. There were multiple mistakes made back then, but we can't change them. Zayn and I should have never taken him in the first place. They wouldn't have known where to find us. If anyone is to blame for all of this, it's us for taking him." I said.

"Crazy to think it, but you guys taking him probably helped him. He was already sad and depressed. He was alone. He doesn't like being alone. In that house. He didn't even like being in that spare bedroom alone. He probably would have... attempted again." He said, needing to pause. He thought about every single day. It was like a scare for him. He couldn't make Harry happy, so if anything happened to him, he would blame it on himself for not saving him.

"Don't think that way. You shouldn't. We are all here for him. Nothing's going to happen to him. This is now, not then. Just... let's get some sleep, yeah? Try to forget for a few hours." I suggested.

I turned and walked to Zayn's bedroom, which I guess is now our bedroom, but I heard Louis whisper "I don't want to forget." I knew I wasn't suppose to hear it, so I pretended I didn't. It was Louis' moment of weakness, and I knew he wouldn't like anyone to see him go through it. In fact, he probably knew that he said it loud enough, but he was probably thankful that I left it alone. When he was asked about it, he tended to get angry, and I knew he hated his anger now.

I walked into our room and leaned against the door, giving out a small sigh. I went over to the closet and looked through the clothes hung up, finding one of Zayn's sweatshirts and pulling it on with my sweatpants before climbing into bed and pulling the covers over myself.

I laid in the silence for a while, wishing Zayn was here, but knowing that he was helping Harry out. The small, pathetic part of me was jealous that he was probably holding someone else right now when I know it's not that way at all. Still, he was attracted to Harry at one point in time. We all were, and what if those feelings still linger. Then, a shudder ran through me as I thought- what if those feelings still linger inside of me?

Those thoughts instantly disappeared though as I thought of Zayn's face. He was perfect and I loved him and only him. He was my everything. Still, this thought that he had a deeper tie with Harry scared me a bit.

I heard my phone vibrate from the nightstand and picked it up, smiling as I read the short message from Zayn.

Love: Goodnight, Li. Love you!

I replied with my own goodnight and said that I loved him more before I finally settled down into bed and smelled his sweatshirt, missing his sweet, fresh scent. Nontheless, I shut my eyes and fell asleep, dreaming of the boy I love.  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

I woke up to another note. It made me feel a bit unwanted, but I tried to shake that feeling away. Still, I thought Zayn would actually stay with me until I woke up. He usually did. I was being selfish though. He had a life to live, too, and I felt a bit better as I read his note.

Sorry, H. I had to get up so I could go home and change for work. If you need anything just call me. Have a good day at work yourself.   
-Z

I crumpled the note and threw it away, dreading the thought of work. My parents would never accept it if I took a day off though. They were very strict about it.

I was about to get out of bed when my phone rang, and I looked to see my mum calling me. I closed my eyes and prepared for anything she had to say before answering my phone.

"Hello?" I asked. I heard a lot of noise in the background and was a bit confused. "Where are you, mum?"

"Harry? Hello? Sweetheart, your dad and I are at the airport. We're leaving a bit early to Australia. Everyone has the day off today, but today only. Just until we land and can use our technology again to properly stay in contact. Okay? Can you hear me?" She asked, and it seemed she was trying to fight the noise of the airport.

"Yes mum. I heard. Have a safe flight." I said, and she promised to before she hung up. That was it. No goodbye. No I love you. Nothing. Just a simple business call.

I laid back down and closed my eyes. It's been a while since I've truly had a free day without my mum talking some business with me. Even the phone conversations wore me down.

Since I had nothing to do, I could just sleep. I closed my eyes and was almost asleep when my phone rang again. I sighed, crawling back over to it and seeing Niall's name on the caller ID this time. I didn't want to answer it. I didn't want him to say he loved me or call me any pet names. I didn't want to date him. But I also didn't want to break him anymore.

I answered the phone and was interrupted in my greeting. "So, Zayn slept over last night? Did you two sleep in the same bed?" He asked, sounding like he desperately needed an answer. Why did he sound so... was he jealous? Or very possessive?

"Yes, but are you okay? You sound a bit distraught." I commented, not really wanting to deal with this so early.

"Yes, I'm okay. I just wanted to talk to my lovely boyfriend. Now, did Zayn try anything?" He asked, and now this was getting ridiculous. It's been two days, and I wasn't feeling this relationship at all.

I sighed and said "No. Listen, Niall, I-"

"I'm sorry I'm asking these questions right now. I know you probably think I'm being riduculous. I mean, I am being ridiculous. I'm sorry, Harry. I just... I love you so much." He said weakly, and that hit right at my heart, guilt consuming me.

"It's fine." I said. "You're okay." 

"C-can you... can you say it back yet?" Niall asked, and it seemed like he was on the verge of tears. I heard a car honk in the background and knrw he was probably driving to work. I didn't want him to be upset and possibly get into an accident, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it to him. I didn't love him. Not that way. My heart belongs to someone else.

"Not in that way." I whispered, and I heard him whimper a bit. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling bad that I caused that hurt sound. I wish Niall knew that us being together was a bad idea. Still, I knew breaking up with him would only mkae matters worse. Maybe I just needed to find someone that could take my place. Someone who'll love Niall and treat him right. He was still my friend.

"O-okay. No worries. I gotta go now. I'm almost late for work. I lo- goodbye, Harry." He said. I didn't get a chance to reply or anything before he hung up the phone. All I could do was hope and pray he did nothing stupid. Then it would be all my fault.

I held my phone to my chest and groaned. There was no way I would have a peaceful day. There was no way I would even have a good day. Everything seemed to go wrong for me.

I felt so confused about everything, and I needed someone's help. I needed advice from the best, and that was Liam. Liam was the closest to me in the house, well besides Louis, and he was always one to help me. I didn't know if he would be there though.

I picked up my phone again and called Zayn. He was the only number I had. I breathed out a sigh of relief and said "Hey Z. Do you think Liam would be at your home right now? I mean, he hasn't gotten a job or anything yet, right?"

"Well, he has, but he doesn't start until next week. Why?" He asked.

"I was just gonna go over to talk to him. Maybe he can help me figure some things out about Niall or my mum." I explained, hoping Zayn would understand. He knew how Liam use to help me out.

"Yeah... but I don't think that's a good idea, H. Maybe I can call him and tell him to go visit you, yeah?" He suggested.

"No. Zayn, why are you trying to keep me away from your house? Do you just not want me there? Bad vibes or some shit? Did I do something wrong?" I asked, getting a little annoyed, but I was mainly hurt.

"No, Harry, I- you just can't go over. Not for... a few months." He mumbled, and that stung a bit.

"Why the hell not!? You can't just tell someone they aren't allowed for no reason. What did I do, Zayn? Is it because of that time when-"

"No, Harry. It's not. What you did happened, but it's not about that. We're good. I just can't let you go over. Please understand." He begged.

"Yeah." I said, nodding my head. "Okay, fine. I won't go over."

"Thank you." He breathed out, and we both said our goodbyes before hanging up. I got out of bed and got dressed. I know Zayn said not to go over, but I needed to talk to Liam. I needed his advice.

I left my house and climbed into my car, trying to calm my shaky hands a bit before I drove. I don't know why I was so nervous. I just felt like something big was going to happen. Zayn was obviously hiding something.

I drove in my nervous silence all the way to his house, parking my car in the driveway and taking deep breaths, just staring at the house. It seemed ominous right now. Like I wasn't suppose to be near it or go in it, but I had to. I had to find out why Zayn wouldn't allow me inside.

I got out of my car and slowly walked towards the front door. I brought my shaky fist to the door and gave three small wraps of my knuckles. I waited as I heard footsteps on the otherside, and then the door swung open and my heart froze mid-beat, my lungs refusing to take in anymore air.

My eyes filled with tears. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. Everything was frozen in time. Frozen in those beautiful blue eyes. Frozen. Staring at his face. The face that filled both my dreams and my nightmares. His brown hair shorter than before, but still feathery in its quiff, his pink lips that I immediately wanted to feel on mine again. Looking into his eyes hurt, but I couldn't look away.

We stared at each other, nothing else mattering. It took what felt like an eternity before I breathed out his name. 

"Louis?"


	8. And I Ain't Ready

LOUIS

"Louis?" He said, his voice coming out faint, yet broken and rough. I could tell it was too much for him. This was too much for me as well. A dozen different emotions were coursing through me. Way too much to handle.

"Shit." I whispered, freaking out and slamming the door shut. "Shit, shit, shit!" I cursed. Why was he here? Why did he have to come while I was here? Why didn't Zayn keep him away? Why was he so fucking beautiful?

Every inch of me wanted to be near him. To hold him like I use to. To kiss his deep pink lips. To tell him I still love him. I wanted all of that. I wanted to love him and never break him again, but I hurt him so badly. I couldn't risk breaking him again- that would only break me as well. Besides, he was too good for me.

"Okay. Okay, Louis. You can do this. Stay calm. Just... breathe." I said, letting out a deep breath. I turned back around and opened the door, seeing Harry standing there, looking broken and confused. God, he was beautiful in every single way.

Being this close to him again felt so surreal. Like it wasn't even happening. But it was. My beautiful angel was standing right infront of me, so close, yet so far. So out of reach. I knew I couldn't do anything to hurt him. Nothing that would make him want me back. I was bad for him.

"Um, w-what do you n-need?" I asked, mentally cursing at myself for stuttering. He swallowed thickly, and I tried not to watch his adam's apple bob in his throat. He was so tempting without even doing anything. I just loved and longed for him still.

"Is... is Liam here?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yeah. Come in." I said weakly. Harry hesitated before walking into the house, flinching a bit as his arm brushed past mine. That same shock of warmth and electricity ran through me. It was still there after all these years.

I heard Harry let out a soft gasp at the slight contact as I shut the door. "You can wait in the living room. I'll go get him." I said, not looking at him as I quickly walked down the hall. Being near him was so dangerous. I was so tempted to just grab him and never let him go. To beg him to forgive me. I couldn't let him forgive me.

I got to Liam's door and knocked on it. I heard him grunt in reply and I opened the door, walking in to see him laying in bed. He only woke up once this morning, and that was when Zayn came home to get ready for work.

"What do you want, Louis?" He asked, sounding sleepy and annoyed.

I began to breathe hard, the reality of this situation hitting me hard. "Get your ass out of bed now, Liam! Harry is in the living room." I said, freaking out.

"What? What do you-"

"Harry is here! Okay!? And I have no fucking clue what to do or how to act or what to say! Fuck!" I yelled, wanting to yell louder and punch something, but Harry was here. I needed to stay calm. Remember what he told me. He believed in me, and I had to prove him right.

"Louis, calm down. Take deep breaths. It'll be okay." He said, climbing out of bed. He stood infront of me and said "Now, listen to me. I need you to go out there and talk to Harry. Just keep him busy until I'm done getting ready and dressed."

"What!? Liam I ca-" 

"You can, so don't you dare say you can't. Regardless of what you think or feel, Louis, you and Harry do have something. Something special. Show him that the Louis he knows is still there." He said calmly.

I nodded, feeling so afraid. I felt so weak right now, but I still nodded and turned, leaving the room and praying that Liam would be quick.

I walked back to the living room and took another moment to take a deep breath and ready myself before turning and walking into the living room. Harry was sitting on the couch, but he got up when he saw me.

"Um... do you want anything to drink?" I asked, but he shook his head, giving a faint "No thank you." I watched as his hand trailed up to his neck and he grabbed the necklace around it, squeezing it tight. My heart sped up when I realized it was the one I gave him.

"You kept it." I whispered, walking a bit closer to him, my eyes drifting between the necklace and his gorgeous green eyes. He looked down at the necklace before giving me a small smile. That smile made me breathless. It was everything to me.

"Yeah, I just... it helped. Every damn day it helped." He said, his voice wavering on the verge of tears. It hurt me so much, and I couldn't stop myself from walking right infront of him and resting my forehead on his. His breath hitched, and I saw him close his eyes, leaning his forehead on mine as well. The pressure made my heart ache.

I looked at his face, admiring every single inch of it. How light and smooth his skin was, even with the few acne marks, he was utterly beautiful. His eyelashes were longer than I remember, splaying a clad of shadows onto his cheekbones. His nose was still one of my favorite things about him, and his lips. I had to do anything so that I wouldn't kiss him. As much as I wanted to, as much as it killed me not to, I couldn't kiss him.

I let my eyes close as well, just feeling him there. I breathed out as I felt his arms wrap around my neck, mine immediately wrapping around his waist. Everything felt okay at this moment in time. Everything felt like it would work out and that we could be okay, but I knew it was only an illusion.

"Louis, I-" He began to speak, but he cut himself off, just shuddering in my hold. I knew what he was feeling. That shivery feeling from being able to touch each other again. My skin felt all tingly, and I knew my hands were shaking against his waist. I listened to the sound of our breathing, him breathing in as I breathed out. Sometimes the rhythm would falter, one of us letting out shaky breaths from how intense and surreal this moment felt. I was holding Harry, touching Harry, my Harry, my beautiful Harry, the love of my life. 

"I missed you." He whispered, his lips gently touching mine, barely brushing, but I knew those were dangerous words. This was a dangerous situation, and I had to find a way out of it. I couldn't let this go any further. I would only hurt him again. I only hurt him. Just like I knew I would do if I pulled away right now, but I had to. I was bad for him.

"You shouldn't have." I whispered back, opening my eyes and pulling back. Harry looked scared and confused as his eyes opened up. His hands tried to grip onto me, but I pulled away too quickly for him to get a hold on me. A sight of slight hurt was filling his eyes, and I regretted my words, but it was true.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"You shouldn't have missed me. I took you from your family. I kept you away. That scar on your hand is because of me. I broke you. I hurt you. I'm... I'm not good for you." I explained. "It's great you're back home. This is where you belong."

"No, it's not, I-" He began, but he stopped, and I saw his walls visibly build up behind his eyes. They weren't hollow anymore, but they were hard. I didn't know which was worse, but both made me want to just kiss him and beg him to forgive my selfishness and stupidity. 

"You're right. It's wonderful. It's great being home. And maybe I shouldn't have missed you, but I guess you can't help who you miss. It doesn't have to mean anything." He mumbled the last sentence.

"I want it to mean something." I wanted to say, but I stayed silent. I let his words wash over me and fill the silence. Finally, I spoke up again, pretending everything was okay. "So how are you? I heard you were working in the family's business. Must be nice." I said, though I knew he hated it.

"It is. Perfect. Everything I... everything I ever wanted." His voice came out in almost a wheeze. He was trying so hard to stay stable, and I knew I shouldn't push him.

"I'm gonna go check on Liam. See if he's almost done getting dressed." I said. I turned to walk away, but then Harry spoke up again.

"You live here, don't you? With Zayn. It's why he doesn't want me to come over. He didn't want me to know." He said, and I only nodded, not even turning around. When he didn't say anything else, I walked down the hall and back to Liam, praying to God he was done.  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

I sat on the couch as he walked away. Just like he did when he told me he didn't love me. And wasn't this sort of the same? I can't believe I made myself so vulnerable! I told him I missed him. What did I expect him to say? That he missed me, too? Yes, honestly. But I should have known. I shouldn't have been so stupid.

I squeezed the necklace again, feeling a tear finally slip out of my eye, and then I couldn't help it anymore. I broke down on the couch, a part of me wanting to leave and get as far as possible from this house, the other part wishing Louis would come back in the room and hold me until I stopped crying. I would give anything to be in his hold like that again.

I heard footsteps coming, and I tried my best to wipe my tears, but it proved to be a futile attempt. I didn't have to though because Liam walked into the living room, not Louis. He saw me and gave me a sad smile, and I hated that he felt bad for me. I didn't want pity from anybody.

"Hey, Harry. Are you okay?" He asked, and I just shrugged as he sat on the couch beside me.

"Why didn't you guys tell me? Warn me at least. Why didn't you tell me he was staying here?" I asked in a low voice. I felt so confused and lost and broken right now. Longing was bubbling up inside of me, and I just wanted Louis here again.

"I don't know. We knew you weren't ready to see each other. We thought Louis would... I don't know just lose it and you would break down. Harry, we were only hiding it because we knew it would hit you hard if you saw him. If either of you saw each other again." He explained.

"And now I found out anyway. Liam, you both knew how much I missed him. Why wouldn't you just give me comfort in knowing he was safe living with you?" I asked.

"I don't know, Harry. I honestly don't. But you weren't suppose to find out this way. Louis wasn't even planning on meeting up with you-"

"He didn't want to see me?" I questioned, sure that it was true. I was probably nothing to him anymore. That little moment we had was probably just him toying with me some more. I was so in love with him, and he knew it.

"It's not that he didn't want to see you..." He trailed off, and I knew he really didn't know what to say, so I plastered a smile on my face and said "It's fine, Liam. It's my fault for falling in love with my kidnapper. Stupid decision." I said.

"It's not your fault, Harry. You fell for each other-"

"No we didn't. I fell for him. He played with me." I said, his anger and words burning through my skull. It was heartbreaking everytime I remembered what he said.

"Harry, regardless of what you think, Louis loved you. I can tell he still does. And you two need each other. You might not want to admit it, but you do. Why can't you two just work it out? It's killing me! You two belong toget-"

"I'm dating Niall." I whispered, interrupting his speech. Liam stopped talking, almost in shock, and he said "What?"

"I'm dating Niall. It's only been two days, but still." I said, not liking the words coming out of my mouth. They were foreign and awkward. They didn't fit right at all, and from Liam's reaction, I think he thought the same.

"But you and Niall don't mesh right, Harry. Sorry, I know he's your best mate, but that's all he'll ever be to you. I can tell." He said. This was why I needed Liam. He knew certain things before I spoke of how I felt about it.

"I know! I know, I just... Help me." I said, feeling more tears spilling over. "I have no idea what to do or anything around him. And I can't break up with him. That would crush him!"

"You don't always have to make other people happy, Harry. Niall knew that he was only your friend, but he chose to still try. That's not your fault. You did nothing wrong there, but going out with him just because you don't want to hurt him would probably only hurt him more in the end." He said, and I knew that was probably true.

"Can you please tell me what to do? I can't just break up with him. I can't. I don't want to hurt anyone else. Not like I've done before, and not like it has been done to me. I can't do it. Please help me, Li. You use to always have my back." I begged.

"I do, and I will help you Harry, but we need to take one step at a time. You have multiple battles to fight. Niall, your mum, Louis. So let's stop talking about Niall right now and tell me how you are. Coming here to find out he's living here can't be easy on you."

"I don't know. I..." I was crying more now, gentle and silent tears spilling from my eyes. I wiped them away with the back of my hand but new ones would flow free. "I thought I'd never see him again. I missed him so much." I whispered. "But he doesn't miss me."

"Doesn't miss you? How do you know that?" He asked, and I knew he thought that was absolute rubbish.

"Well, he told me I shouldn't have missed him. Only means he musn't have missed me." I looked down at his hands and said "It doesn't matter anyways. The past is the past."

"Isn't that what your mum says to you? Zayn told me she did." He said, and I froze, my whole body going stiff with his words, and I knew he regretted his comment when he whispered "I'm sorry."

"It's... it's fine. Maybe she's right. Maybe I should forget the past. Focus on now." I said, but I heard the crack in my own voice and knew Liam felt how miserable I was.

"No, Harry nobody should ever forget their past. Not for anything. It holds some of the most amazing memories and lessons. Don't ever forget it." He said, and then the room fell silent. I had no idea how to respond. A part of me wanted to listen to Liam, but the other part wanted to turn and just leave, ignoring everything and forgetting that Louis lived here. It was all too much.

"Maybe you should talk to Louis. Have a complete one on one conversation." He said, but I couldn't. Being around Louis made me feel pain. I wanted him- all of him- but I couldn't have him. He didn't want me that way.

"No." I stated, and I stood up while shaking my head. Liam stood up right after me and said "Harry, calm down. It'll be okay. I think you both need it."

"No, what I need is to try and forget!" I cried out.

"Harry, you and I both know that's bullshit!" He said roughly, and I was in a bit of shock. Never had Liam spoken so harshly to me. He was always kind and gentle and sweet. This side though, it was rough and demanding. I knew he was serious. "You know you don't want to forget Louis, you're just scared of your feelings right now. Both of you are. You're both so lost and neither of you have any idea what you're doing or what you even want! But you both need to figure it out. You both have people trying to help you guys out, but you choose to still hide behind lies and fear instead of admitting your feelings and just fucking kissing already!" He ranted.

"You know what, Liam? I came here because you were the one who had my back from the very start in that house five years ago! I thought I could come over here and talk to someone who would understand how much I fucking hate my life right now! You're right, okay? I hate my life, and Louis is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I can't be with him, okay!? He doesn't want to be with me, and I am with someone already." I said.

"Someone who is making you miserable because you don't love him back!" He said, walking towards me a bit.

"AT LEAST HE LOVES ME!" I raged. It was the only thing that made me tolerate being with Niall. He actually cared. He actually wanted me, and he loved me. He was the only one. Sure, Zayn was there for me, but he lied to me about Louis. Besides, our relationship can't exactly be the same after what happened.

"Harry, Louis-"

"Said that I shouldn't have missed him." I mumbled out, hating that he said that. I wanted Louis. Only Louis. But he seemed to want to push me away.

"Is everything okay?" I looked up at Louis who stood in the living room entrance, looking a bit shocked and confused.

"Coming here was a mistake." I said, walking away and going towards the front door. I just needed to get away.

"Harry, stop running away and just-"

"Tell Zayn I said I'm sorry for not listening to him. Okay, Li?" I asked, interrupting him. I turned the door handle and pulled it opened, seeing Liam looking upset and helpless.

"Harry-" Louis said, stopping himself. I froze, the sound of my name leaving his lips was too much. My hand shook on the doorknob, and I slowly turned around, trying my best not to cry.

"Um... it was nice seeing you... again." He said, and I swallowed thickly before nodding.

"Yeah. It was." I croaked out before leaving and closing the door behind me. I got into my car and began driving home, tears streaming down my face. I got to my house and went inside, slamming the door shut.

My phone buzzed, and I looked at the caller ID. It was Niall's name, a small text saying that he missed me and loved me. I couldn't handle it. I threw my phone at the wall, watching it hit it and a piece crack off of it.

I yelled out of rage at nothing. I yelled and yelled, I hated life. I hated myself. Finally, my throat was raw and aching. I laid on the ground in the living room, feeling sleepy. Tears still streamed down my face as I whispered "I love you, Louis," and fell into a deep sleep that made my heart ache more than anything ever before.


	9. Don't Wanna Be Stone Cold

LIAM

I sighed and sat on the couch as Harry left. I wanted to do something for him, but I had no idea what I could do. The only person who really made him happy was Louis, but Louis wouldn't even say what he wanted to say.

"You need to talk to Harry." I said aloud, making sure he heard me.

"I just did talk to Harry." He mumbled, and I knew Louis was scared. He was scared of his feelings and he was scared of hurting Harry again, but I knew Harry was more broken without him than with him. With him they both felt whole.

"No, Louis. You know what I mean. You need to go to him and have an actual conversation. You need to tell him that you do miss him and that you still love him because I cannot go another day of seeing Harry so broken and destructive towards himself." I announced. "And I've only seen him twice!"

"I can't tell him that I love him, Liam. He needs to move on. He needs to fall in love with someone else. Someone who'll make him happy in ways I never could." He said, and that was complete bullshit. I could tell Louis was trying to convince himself of that as he said it.

"That's nice and all, but we all know that Harry will never love anybody. Not like he loved you. And why the hell he loved you, I have no idea, but you should feel lucky that he did because he is a great person. Yes, you hurt him and broke him up inside, but he still loves you. Don't you see that he needs you?"

"He doesn't." He said, trying to control his voice and his breathing. I could tell he was getting a bit pissed at me being so persistent, but they needed someone to push them together. "He needs someone who will love him for who he is. Someone who is going to always be there for him. Someone who his family approves of. Someone who will always protect him and never ever hurt him." He said.

"Fuck what his family thinks!" I said. Sure, it may seem harsh, but his family didn't seem to even notice his unhappiness. Why should they have to approve who he's with? "And that's you, Louis. You do all of that for Harry. You know you love every single little thing about him, so don't sit here and tell me-"

"No, I don't!" He yelled. A small glimpse of the old Louis came slithering through, that same stone cold expression on his face. There was the familiar darkness in his eyes, that harsh glare that he gave everybody. The same dominate stance, shoulders back and head held high. It wasn't the Louis I knew now.

But then he closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and when he opened them, that Louis was back. The same Louis who let Harry in and accepted his feelings. But that Louis was in a constant battle with that angry one every single day.

"I don't love him. I told him I only used him for his body, and I will say it to you, too. I don't." He said, but I could tell he hated himself for saying the words. It was all a lie. A lie he hid behind, but I only had one shot at helping him see that he needs Harry and Harry needs him.

"Yeah? If that's true then why did you cry every night for five years?" I asked, making Louis freeze and stiffen. "Yeah. You thought nobody heard, but I did. Every night. You would cry, calling out Harry's name. You needed him, and you still do. You know it, and I know it. You would cry and whisper. You'd say that you loved him, beg for his forgiveness, call him your baby, your angel, your love. I heard, but I never said anything because I knew you would deny it around all the other prisoners. But now you're here. I'm here. And Harry was just here. Look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you didn't wish that you could just hold him and love him and have him as yours again. Tell me that you only used him for his body. Tell me you don't love him, Louis! If you can do that, I'll let this go." I finally stated.

"Liam, please don't-" 

"No, Louis. If you can say that, if you can tell me that, then I'll let this all go. I'll forget about it, and I'll encourage Harry to move on and forget about you. Just say it." I said, pushing him.

He opened and closed his mouth, much like a fish. He looked broken and hurt and weak. I was so close to taking everything back when I saw him tear up, but I held my ground. I had to break him. It was the only way to get Louis to listen.

"I can't... I can't say that." He cried before he leaned against the wall, sitting down against it and crying into his knees. "I don't want that. I don't want any of that. Fuck!" He yelled, slapping his palm against the floor.

I walked over, sighing because I finally broke him. I sat down beside him and hugged him, letting his claw onto my shirt and cry agaisnt my shoulder. "I love him so much. But I fucked up. I hurt him. I made him cry. I-"

"You also saved him. You made him happy. You made him feel safe. You made him feel loved. Nobody else can do that Louis. Especially not who he's with now." I said, and Louis stiffened up in my arms, not moving at all. His breath hitched and we sat in silence before he croaked out "He's seeing someone?"

I nodded, not knowing if I should say who. "Who?" He asked, and I sighed.

"Louis, maybe it'd be best if you didn't-"

He pulled away and I saw how red his eyes looked, tears still streaming down his face. But his eyes held so much. So much more than sadness. Desperation, fear, love. Everything. "Liam, please tell me who. I have to know who's loving him when I'm not. I need to. Please tell me." He begged. I have only seen Louis beg like this when he was begging Harry to forgive him on that final day. It hurt looking back at that moment.

"Niall." I finally said. Louis gave out a small cry, looking down at his hands before looking back up at me with a change in his demeanor. He still had the undertone of a broken man, still had tears streaming down his face, but his eyes held an extra emotion that replaced the hopelessness there a second ago. I felt my chest tighten up because I knew what Louis was feeling.

Louis was determined.  
\------------------------------------------------------

ZAYN

"Hello?"

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me, Zayn!?" I heard Harry cry. There was so much pain in his voice, like gravel was stuck in his throat- a raw, scratchy tone.

"Harry? What happened? Why are you so upset?" I asked, already fearing the worst. He was crying so much that it was hard to understand him- much like that first night after the arrest. It felt like we were back at square one. Back to that sudden pain he always felt.

"Louis!" He yelled at me. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me Louis was staying with you!?" I froze, turning down another road, currently driving back home. I didn't know how to respond to that. I don't know why I kept it a secret. I thought they would both hurt, and clearly I was right. But was it worth keeping the secret? If I would have told him, would he have stayed away?

"Harry, I just- you are just so heartbroken, and I knew that if you saw him again, you'd want to go back to how everything was. You and him. But I know that Louis is hesitant. I don't know why, but he is. And you aren't sixteen anymore. You're twenty-one. Louis is twenty-four. You're not naive kids anymore. The pain from back then would have hit you harder because you left it behind. I wanted to prevent that." I mumbled the last line.

"Yeah, well it did a whole lot of fucking good, didn't it, Z?" He spat.

"I don't know why you're yelling at me. I just tried to help you. I told you not to go over there." I reminded him, and he scoffed.

"Obviously I was going to go. You were hiding something from me. I thought we were closer than that. I thought we told each other things." He said, sounding lost and alone now.

"We do, Harry, but I knew you would break like this if you knew Louis was there. And I know you'd want to see him. You would have tried to see him even if you knew it would hurt because you just couldn't stay away. You would try, I know you would, but you would give in. And now you're crying all alone." I said, trying to calm him down a bit.

"Because it feels like my heart was just ripped in two again- not that it was ever fixed." He stopped talking as I heard a beep that seemed to come from his side of the line.

"What was that?" I asked, not hearing Harry say anything or react to it at all.

"That? That was my lovely boyfriend trying to call me again. To tell me he loves me. To tell me that he misses me. He loves me. At least someone loves me." He whispered, and I sighed.

"Harry, a lot of people love you. We all love you. And I can say that he loves you, too. I won't say his name because I know that isn't what you want right now, but loves you. He asked about you-" I heard Harry intake a breath of air.

"When?" He asked quietly.

"The first day he and Liam came back. He, um, he saw you. He didn't want you to see him though." I confessed.

"What the fuck, Zayn? Why don't you tell me these things? I could have spoken to him! I could have-"

"But you would have been more broken than you are right now because you would have had no idea what to do! Admit it, Harry. You weren't ready to see him then. You still weren't ready. That's why you're yelling at me right now. Because you know that you have no idea what to do with all of the emotions you're feeling." I pointed out. All I got was silence from him.

"Harry? It's okay. He still loves you, okay? Louis still-"

"Please don't say his name." He cried, voice wavering with all his pent up emotions.

"No, you need to hear that Lou-"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, ZAYN!?" He yelled, shocking me a bit. "You know, you really think you know everything about everyone, but you don't. Okay? You don't have everybody figured out, so could you please just stop trying to be this holy voice that we should all listen to and worship because it's pretty fucking annoying! I'm surprised Liam is even still with you!" 

I was silent. Shocked. Hurt. Harry has never said anything like that to me. Never. And I knew was hurt. I knew that. But it cut deep. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to focus on the road as best I can. "Liam's with me because he loves me, and I love him, too. Harry, you're just hurt, and I-"

"Would he love you if he knew what happened?" He asked, and I froze, forgetting that I was in the middle of traffic. I felt cold, numb. I didn't want to think back to that small moment of weakness. I didn't want to know how Liam would react. I panicked. My breathing was more rushed, and I wanted to yell at Harry. But I heard a loud honk, making all the sound that washed away come back in a sudden, heart-stricking wave. I saw the car heading right towards me, and I swerved, missing it by a slight second. I gulped, looking back at the car before driving on, trying to be more careful.

"Nothing happened, Harry." I mumbled. "Nothing happened. Just because you're not happy doesn't mean other people can't be."

"You know what, I'm not happy. I don't think I've ever really been happy-"

"You were with Louis." I finally said. He paused, breathing heavily and then I heard him let out a loud sob.

"I'm sorry." He cried. "I'm sorry. You're right. I feel so conflicted right now. I love him, but it hurts." He cried. "God, I'm so bipolar." I heard him mutter to himself.

"Love hurts, Harry. And if you loved him, you would do something about it." I said, still feeling a bit numb. "I have to go now." I said.

"Wait!" He yelled as I was about to hang up. I sighed and waited for him to speak as I pulled into the driveway to my home. "I'm sorry, Zayn. I really am. Do you... do you hate me?" He asked, and I sighed again.

"No. No, I don't, Harry. I just have to go right now." I announced.

"Okay. Yeah. Okay." He repeated. "Bye then."

"Yeah. Bye." I whispered before hanging up. I looked at my house, not wanting to face Liam after Harry brought up what happened. But it wasn't much, and it was a mistake. And Liam didn't have to know. Nobody had to know.

I wanted to yell and cry, but I held it in and got out of my car, walking to the front door. I took my key out and unlocked it, walking inside and finding Liam sitting on the floor, a sleeping Louis in his lap.

"What happened?" I asked, but I think I already knew.

"Harry came over. He and Louis talked, but didn't admit any feelings. I told him he was dating Niall. I think he's gonna try and fight for him, but he was just so hurt. I guess he thought Harry would just wait for him, even if he wanted to deny that thought." 

"I think we all thought that." I said, taking off my coat and setting it on the coat rack. "I'm, um, I'm gonna go to bed." I said, feeling exhausted after the little dispute with Harry.

"Okay. I'll take Louis to his room and then I'll be there." He promised. I just nodded, walking right past them, seeing Liam's concerned look from the corner of my eye, but I ignored it and walked down the hall.

I went into our bedroom, undressing and then crawling under the covers, wanting nothing more than to sleep and forget everything about today. I just felt guilty. Guilty and so stupid for ever being weak.

I heard the door open, and I knew it was Liam. I stayed laying down, hearing him undress before climbing into bed beside me. He wrapped his arm around me, and I felt him kiss the back of my neck. "Zayn, are you okay?" He asked, and I just nodded.

"Please talk to me. If you're upset, I need to know. I want to help you." He whispered, and I remembered when he helped me on the one day I needed it the most. The day when all I did was cry and lock myself in my bedroom, too hurt by the memories that coursed through my mind. I needed Liam then, and I will always need him. I didn't want to lose him.

"I just... I talked to Harry on the phone. He was pretty upset. That's all." I said.

"Is he mad at you?" He asked, and I shrugged. I didn't want to say much. Not right now.

Liam turned me onto my back and sat up on his arm to look down at me. "Don't let it get to you if he is. He's just hurt right now. He probably feels betrayed. He'll see that you were just trying to help. I know he will. You always try your best to help." He said, smiling down at me.

I didn't say anything. I just stared at Liam, knowing that he was too good for me. He was the best thing that I've ever had in my life. The best thing I will ever have. He was everything to me, and he was incredible.

"I love you." I said, feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

He bent down, kissing my forehead, my nose, and finally my lips before pulling back and saying "I love you, too. So much."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him close to kiss his lips. He kissed me back with just as much love and passion. He broke the kiss to trail kisses down my jaw, going to my neck and falling down to my collar bone, all the while whispering compliments.

"I love you so much. You're beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, babe. Perfect." He whispered against my skin, and I felt my body getting hot, his mouth latching on and sucking his mark in several places.

"I love you, too." I moaned out, one of my hands fisting in his hair as he sucked another mark onto my neck. "Please, Li. Please make love to me." I begged, needing him. I always needed him. Maybe it was selfish to be so addictive. To need so much, but I couldn't help it.

I felt his fingers pulling down my boxers, slipping them down my legs, kissing my thighs as he went. His soon followed, being discarded onto the floor before he wrapped my legs around his waist, pressing another sweet kiss to my lips before pushing into my heat.

I moaned out, gripping onto his back and enjoying the pleasure and love he gave. He felt so good inside of me, hitting the perfect spot and thrusting deep and hard.

That's how it went until we were both cumming, panting and moaning into each other's mouths. He stayed in me for awhile, both of us just staring at each other. "Are you okay?" He asked, and I nodded.

"Yes." I answered, closing my eyes as he carassed my cheek. I was always okay with Liam. Always.


	10. You Put Your Arms Around Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to Zayn! 24!

NIALL

I held the phone to my ear, listening to it ringing again and again and again. I perked up when I finally got an answer. "Hello?" I heard Harry ask in a sleepy voice, but there was also something else to it.

"Good morning, Harry. Are you okay? You sound upset." I said, waiting to get my coffee from the barista. I didn't like hearing him sound that way, but what could have made him upset? Was it Zayn? If it was, then I need to know what happened.

"Um, no. Yeah, everything's fine. I just feel a little... maybe I'm a little sick." He said, and I heard a bit of shuffling like he was moving around on his bed.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to go over there and take care of you? I can call off of work if you need me to. I just need to-"

"No!" He said, cuttjng through my words. "No, it's fine. Go to work. I'll be okay. Just a... just a bit of a headache." He said, and then whispered something under his breath that sounded like, "and a sore throat from crying and yelling."

"Crying and yelling?" I asked, making him stay silent on the other side. "Harry, are you sure you're okay? Babe, you have to tell me if something's wrong with you. Was it Zayn? Did he do something or say something to you?" I asked, needing to know if anything was wrong with him. I loved Harry so much, and if he was upset I had to know. I wanted to fix it and make him happy.

"No. I yelled at him for nothing. It was a stupid and childish incident. I just hope he accepts my apologies." He mumbled the last sentence, which made it seem like he was talking more to himself than to me.

"He will. He's your friend, and he'll understand. Nobody could ever stay mad at you. It'll be okay." I said, the barista finally handing me my coffee, which I thanked her for. "I have to go now, Harry. Just stay in bed, and I can go over there later if you need. Just rest. I love you." I said, stopping at my car door with my hand on the handle. I felt like I couldn't breathe, just waiting for a response that was yet another heartbreak.

"Okay. Goodbye, Niall." He whispered before he hung up, leaving my frozen for a while. It hurt. It hurt so much that he never said he loved me. When he did, I knew it was only as a friend. He hasn't really said it since I asked him to be my boyfriend, and I have no idea if hearing it platonically or not hearing it at all hurt worse.

I got into my car and sat in the seat, just staring out the window for a while. I loved Harry, so how was it possible that being with him made the pain worse than being without him. Was that just how love worked?

I blinked away the few tears that were gathering in my eyes and started my car, needing to get to work on time. A part of me wanted to turn back around and go to Harry's house and take care of him, but the bigger part of me knew I should go to work. The money wasn't only for myself. It was for my parents as well.

   I haven't told anybody about my mother's condition- not even Harry. I just didn't want anybody else to carry the burden, especially not him. I didn't want him to have to worry about another person when he was so broken down himself. I just wanted to make him happy- not even more upset. But I loved him, so shouldn't I tell him?

    I didn't have time to think about that as I parked my car in the car lot and got all of my things collected to go in to work. A moving job didn't pay as much as being a doctor did, but it was enough to get by and help with medical billings.

    "Hey, Niall!" My boss called. I looked over to him and walked over, raising an eyebrow. "I've got a new employee here today. Why don't you take him under your wing? Help him get on with some of the guys?" He asked, and I nodded.

   "Sure. Who is it?" I asked, and he waved me to follow him. I walked behind him to his office, waving when I saw a few of the other guys packing their lunches and stuff in the trucks and getting ready to go help someone move.

    We finally got to his office, and he opened the door and walked inside. I saw light brown hair and immediately recognized his face. "Niall, this is Liam. Liam, that's Niall. You two will be working together. Uh, take truck 28." He said, handing me a clipboard with different job calls on it.

   I was a bit stunend seeing Liam here, but I nodded and offered him my hand to shake. "Yeah. Okay. Hello, Liam." I said. He shook my hand in his, looking just as shocked as I was, before dropping his to his sides.

   "Follow me." I said, leading him out of the office and back out to where the trucks were. I found our truck number and went into the driver's side. Liam got into the passenger's seat, and I felt the awkwardness just lingering.

   "So, I heard Harry and Zayn got into some kind of arguement. Know what it was about?" I asked, deciding to ask about something we both had some sort of intell to. Plus, I wanted to know what Harry got upset about that caused him to yell.

    "No, I don't. Zayn just came home upset last night and said Harry was mad at him. Didn't get many details." He said, but I felt like there was something not being said. Still, I don't think I could force anything out of Liam.

   "Right. Right." I said, letting silence fall over both of us before another question came to mind. "Um, you wouldn't... you wouldn't happen to know anything about Louis, would you?" I asked, curiosity taking over me.

    "Nope. Last time I saw him was our prison release date. Last time I spoke to him was on the phone. He said he's staying somewhere safe. That's all I know." He said, and I wanted to let out a sigh of relief, knowing he was nowhere near Harry, but it didn't feel right. Something felt off, but as much as I wanted to find out what that was, I let it linger around for later. Besides, we had a job to do.  
\------------------------------------------------------

  HARRY

     I wasn't completely lying to Niall when I said I felt sick. I had a massive headache and my throat was so sore from all my yelling and crying. I felt weak and gross and so pathetic. I hated feeling this way.

    I called into work, letting my assistant know that I wouldn't be there today, and I then called Zayn. It took him a few seconds before he actually answered. "Hello?" He asked, sounding a bit sleepy.

   "Hey, um, Zayn." I greeted, not knowing if he was still upset with me. I wouldn't blame him if he was. I was a complete asshole, and he didn't deserve my abuse.

   "Harry? What's wrong?" He asked, and I sighed.

   "Just feeling a bit under the weather. That's not the point of me calling though. I need to know if you're still upset with me. Zayn, I said some things that I really, really shouldn't have said, and I don't deserve to be forgiven for saying them, but I hope you're still my friend because you're all I really have, and I don't think I can-" I was starting to get teary eyed and my hoarse voice cracked on a couple of words.

   "Harry. Harry, stop." Zayn interrupted, and I waited in silence, so sure that he hated me. He had to. I said things that were so below the belt. It was awful of me to say, let alone think. I was just a really bad friend.

   "What you said really hurt, I'm not gonna lie about that, but I forgive you." He said, and that made me feel like an even worse person. I felt like I was just taking advantage of Zayn's kindness, and I really hated that feeling.

   "I know you don't think you deserve to be forgiven, but it's okay. You were really hurt already, and you didn't know how to handle those emotions. What happened, happened, but it's in the past. And I know you didn't mean the things you said. We're just best mates." He said, and I heard the small smile in his voice, making me let out a thankful laugh.

   "Thank you, Z. I love you. I'm glad I have you around." I said, and it felt nice to be able to tell my friend I loved them without them expecting something more than friendship out of it.

   "Love you, too, H. Now, what's wrong? You said you're ill, yeah?" He asked, and I shrugged eventhough he couldn't see me.

   "I mean, I have a raging headache and the crying really killed my throat. Other than that, I'm fine. Completely fine." I said, not wanting him or anyone to worry about me.

   "Want me to go over? I can get you some soup or maybe a hot cocoa. Something warm for your throat. And if you need any pain killers, I can get you those as well." He said, and I was really glad I had a friend like Zayn, but I declined that offer.

   "No, thank you. I think I'll be okay. I think I can manage." I said, but Zayn being who he is didn't accept that answer.

   "Nope. Everybody needs someone to look after them. I'll be over there soon." He decided for me.

   "But I-"

   "No buts!" He ordered. "I'll be there soon. In the meantime, stay in bed and stay warm." He said, and I remembered his medical interest that he used to have. He had the authority that a doctor could have.

   "Hey Zayn?" I asked, getting his attention. "Why don't you go back to college?" I asked.

   "What? Why?" He asked, and I was determining if I should say something or not. He probably had his reasons, but I was curious anyways.

   "Well, remember when you told me you wanted to be a doctor or something? You could do that now. Community college, or my parents would be happy to help pay for an actual college." I said because my parents actually grew very fond of Zayn. I don't think it would have been that way if they would have known why he was really in that house though.

   "I can't do that anymore." He said, and I heard his voice go faint for a second. "Going back to that would be like going back to the past. Reliving it. I don't- I can't go back to that." He said, voice wavering a bit.

   "Oh... I'm sorry for mentioning it." I said, not wanting to make him think back on his past. I know it was a hard one. I didn't even know the full story until two years ago. He was crying for Liam, yet again, because Liam was the only one who really knew. I wanted to help him, and I guess he felt close enough to me to tell me the full story- the full heart-breaking story.

   "It's okay. I guess I just need to find a new passion. Something not in the medical field." He said, and it was a bit upsetting to hear him give up on a dream because he can't persue it anymore.

   "You'll find something. I know you will." I offered, trying to support him as best I could.

   "Thanks. What about you?" He asked, and I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

   "What about me?"

   "Harry, you have to find your passion, too. I know stacks of papers and ordering others around isn't it. Working in that office isn't making you happy." He said.

   "No, but it is making me a living. I don't know. Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy. Besides, I don't even know what I like to do."

   "Because you never explored your options." He reasoned, and I knew he was trying to push me, but I couldn't just leave my job. My parents would be so disappointed.

    "Zayn, I can't just-" I stopped talking when I heard a beep through his side of the phone and then he sighed. "What is it?" I asked.

   "Work. I have to go in today. Apparently no one else knows how to fix a fucking car engine." He sighed. "Sorry, H. Maybe I can go over after work."

   "No. Don't even worry about it. I'll be fine, Z. Just gonna rest a bit." I said, and it wasn't a complete lie. I was feeling a bit tired, eventhough I cried myself to sleep yesterday.

   "Okay. Take care, Harry. Bye."

   "Bye." I said before we both hung up. I set my phone on my bedside table and laid back down. I pulled the blanket closer to me, feeling warm all over, except for the small metal chain around my neck.

   I wrapped my fingers around the necklace and looked at it, not even reading the words but running my fingers over them. I had them memorized- always. They meant so much to me. They helped so much. The memories this necklace held.

   I closed my eyes, letting my thoughts drift to the one person that made me happy as I fell into a deep sleep.  
\------------------------------------------------------

    We reached his bedroom and he pushed the door open. "Okay, wait here and close your eyes." He said as he sat me down on the edge of the bed. I nodded before I closed my eyes tightly. I didn't want to ruin the surprise by peeking. That would absolutely suck!

   "Okay." I heard Louis's voice waver a bit. He must be nervous, but I guarantee he didn't have to be. Have you ever just been so into a person that the present they give you wouldn't even matter because you love them so much? Maybe I was in too deep, but I really didn't care anymore.

   "So, um, it's not much, but..." He trailed off, and I heard him open something that sounded like a box. He pulled something out of it and I felt the bed dip down behind me before something cold was draped across my chest and around my neck. A necklace?

   I felt Louis's fingers fiddle with the back of it, trying to hook it onto the chain. I kept my eyes closed, giggling a bit as he let out whispers of cuss words at his frustration of not being able to clasp it down. Finally, he got it and said "Open your eyes."

   I opened them up and panicked as it was still dark. Complete darkness was all around me- I was swimming in it. My head was above the blackness of the water, but I felt like I couldn't breathe.

   I felt someone grab my hand, and I turned with wide eyes, calming down a bit when I saw Niall. He offered me a smile, but I noticed that it was a wicked one, and it wasn't my Niall. It was my best friend.

   "Niall? What's going on? I-"

   I screamed as I felt someone tug on my leg, but I quickly closed my mouth as I was pulled under water. I looked below me and saw my mum smiling with her mouth wide. The water didn't seem to get to her.

   I wanted to yell, but I couldn't. I didn't want any water filling my mouth or lungs. So I kicked. I kicked at her hand and she let go for a second, letting my go above water again.

  "Niall! Niall, help. Please. My mum-" I was cut off as he seemed to melt away into the water, then I felt both of my legs being grabbed. Four hands, no six, no ten. I was pulled underneath again, and this time I couldn't stop the scream from coming out of my mouth as I saw my mum, my dad, Niall, and the two policemen that arrested Liam and Louis trying to pull me into the water.

   Water filled my mouth, but it didn't feel like regular water. It was thick- like ink. It filled my mouth with its stickiness, and I panicked, eyes going wide as I saw the dead look in their eyes, but the smiles on their faces.

   I was crying, but the tears went unseen in the mucky wetness. I tried to kick them off and swim towards the surface, but my lungs were giving out, filling with the thick ink.

   My eyes were closing and I felt my body go limp, but just as I was sinking deeper, I felt someone pull me up, the hands on my legs retreating. I coughed and gasped for air as I was pulled up, a small light filling the water in a circle around me and the other person. I slowly opened my eyes, still thick with weight and blurred with water, but I made out the faint, familiar features.

   Blue eyes, brown hair, a worried look on his face, and I felt warmth surround me. Love. I cried onto his chest. Louis.

    He wrapped his arms around me, and a part of me wanted to pull away. He didn't deserve to deal with everything that was pulling me down, my messed up life. It was so much easier for him to let me sink. But I felt his love. Why he loved me? I don't know, but I was so glad he did. So glad he was here. His arms made me feel safe, loved, and... at home.

   "I love you." I cried out, and then I heard a loud THUD!, making me flinch.

    My dream disappeared as I woke with a start. There was a noise coming crom the living room, and it took my sleepy brain to recognize it as a knock on my front door. I checked my phone and saw that I was only asleep for an hour, and the last person I spoke to was Zayn. Maybe he didn't go to work after all.

   I climbed out of bed, my sweatpants the only warmth I had. I walked out of my room and yawned sleepily. My headache was worse now, and I felt like my skin was burning up. I was clearly ill, but I hated to admit that fact.

   I walked to my front door and heard a few more knocks on it before my hand wrapped around the handle. I pulled it open while rubbing my eyes and said "Z, I thought you had to go to work."

   "He did." I heard a lovely voice say, and I stopped rubbing my eyes, opening them to see Louis standing at my door step. My heart stuttered in my chest, and I wanted to slam my door shut, but I was hypnotized by the small smile on his face.

   "Um... hot tea?"


	11. I Want You to Stay

HARRY

He looked incredible as he stood at the door, two cups of hot tea with him and a plastic bag that seemed to have a plastic bowl inside. Maybe soup? Why was he here with this stuff? Was he here for me? How did he even know?

"Why are you here?" I asked hoarsley, my throat was really killing me right now. I didn't want to cry right now. It would only make my head ache even more.

"I heard you were sick, and I... Zayn asked me to come watch you while he worked. Yeah, that's what happened." He said, whispering the second part more to himself.

"Oh." I said, feeling a bit disappointed. I should have known Zayn would be behind this. Louis wouldn't come on his own free will. "Thanks, but I can manage by myself. I don't need-" I stopped talking as he stepped forward, holding the drink between his arm before his hand reached out and pressed against my forehead.

I wanted to lean into his touch as his hand touched both of my cheeks. His cool skin felt nice against my over heated body. "Christ, Harry. You're burning up." He mumbled, and I shook my head, making him pull his hand back.

"I'm okay." I said. "You don't have to stay here. Just tell Zayn I said thanks, but-"

"I'm staying." He said, cutting me off again and making me look up at him. He had a look of determination in his eyes, but it hurt so much to even be in his presence.

"You... you can't stay! Okay?" I said, feeling my lip begin to tremble and my eyes become watery. I hated how weak he made me; how vulnerable I was to him. I could never truly hide my emotions.

"I'm staying." He said again, whispering it, but it seemed like he shouted it because of how quiet the room was after my outburst.

I shook my head, biting my lip to try and hold my tears in, but it proved to be too much. I let out a sob, and I closed my eyes, looking away from Louis. My head was raging with pain, a constant thumping like a knife stabbing through an ice block, but I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

"I don't want you to stay because it hurts so much to be around you, okay? There! I said it!" I yelled out the confession. I opened my eyes and looked back at Louis. His eyes held sadness in them, and I held my breath as he stepped closer to me.

"Harry...." He trailed off, his hand coming up to touch my cheek, but he pulled it away at the last second. "Um, I'm sorry. Sorry for hurting you." He said before handing me the tea and the bag of the soup.

"Zayn wanted me to give you those. He told me to get you whatever you needed." He said, never looking at me. He focused on the ground, and I sniffled, wiping my eyes.

"I don't need anything." I said, but my heart was aching for Louis. I only needed Louis.

"Okay. Right. Sorry, I'll just... I'll just go then." He said, turning around and walking back out of the house. I regretted everything. As much as it hurt to be with him, it hurt worse without him here.

"Wait, Louis..." I said, calling him back. He froze and looked up at me, his eyes holding a certain hope to them that made me just wanna hug him and bury my face against his chest. "Could you maybe stay... for a while?" I asked, and he raised an eyebrow.

"But I thought you said-"

"Louis... please?" I asked, not wanting him to repeat my own words. I just wanted to forget about all the drama for now. It only made my head hurt worse.

He nodded and walked back to me, taking the things out of my hand. "Alright. Go lay down. I'll heat this back up and bring it to you." He said softly, and I didn't have anything to say. I felt like words would only ruin everything right now, so I nodded and walked away to my room.

I walked down the hall, feeling nervous. Louis was in my house. Louis. He was so close, yet so far. I just wanted to yell at him, but also just hug him, and hit him, but kiss him. It was all so complicated and jumbled up in my mind. The only thought I could decide to follow was the thought that I needed him here. I needed him.

I went into my room and climbed onto my bed. I hated how it felt covered in disease due to how sick I felt. The overheating of both my skin and the comforter were so unbearable.

I laid there, staring at the ceiling before I felt my eyes slipping closed. I was just so sleepy and dizzt. I needed to rest, but I also felt the call of hunger tug at my stomach.

I didn't have to wait long until the door creaked open and Louis came in with a steaming bowl of soup. I tried sitting up a bit, but I felt so weak and it was clearly a struggle because Louis quickly set the bowl down on my bedside table and then his arm wrapped around my waist, the other on my arm to help me sit up.

"Sorry." He muttered out as I was sitting all the way up and noticed his hands lingering on my waist. He quickly removed his hands and looked down at the bowl. "Can you eat alone?" He asked, and I could. I knew that I could, but I felt my head shake from side to side, a huge part of me not wanting Louis to leave.

"Okay. I can feed you." He said, getting the bowl and sitting on the edge of my bed. I watched as he dipped the spoon into the soup, grabbing some out and lifting it a bit. His movements were so careful and gentle. This was the side of Louis that only I got to see.

He turned to me and slowly lifted the spoon up until it was infront of my lips. I opened them slowly and slurped up the soup. I looked into Louis' eyes, and I got the feeling of safety and security. Louis was actually here- taking care of me.

I didn't miss the small smile he tried to hide as he pulled the spoon away and looked back down at the bowl to get more soup. It made my heart flutter to see that smile.

"You know, my mum use to always do this for me when I was sick." He spoke up out of nowhere, and I knew it was a struggle for him to even begin to speak of his mum, so I sat quietly and let him continue as he offered me another spoonful, which I gratefully took.

"She would make this soup, feed it to me, and sit with me all day. She'd always fuss over me. Making sure I was warm enough to fight the illness off, making sure I was comfortable in bed, running hot baths for me. She was the best." He said, looking down again, and I knew he didn't want to cry. Louis always tried to be so strong, and it hurt to see him in any kind of pain.

"She loved you, Louis." I said gently. "It's okay to miss her."

"I know. And I know she loved me. She told my all the time." He said, giving out a breathy laugh as he wiped away one stray tear. "I just... I wish I could have helped her. I wish I could have saved her. Maybe then this mess wouldn't have happened. Maybe then I would have never hurt you the way I did."

It fell silent again between us, and that statement made me want to just yell. "We hurt each other, Louis. But it's okay now, right? You told me that you don't really love me, and I've... I've accepted that." I said, willing my voice not to crack.

Louis looked at me and opened his mouth before closing it again and wiping his eyes. "I'm gonna go heat up your tea. Do you need anything? Wanna watch TV or something?" He said, and I did want one thing, but I feel like it would make Louis and myself uncomfortable. The thing was, I felt gross, sweaty, and sticky underneath the sweat-filled covers.

"Um, if you could... could you maybe run a bath?" I asked quietly. I heard his breath hitch a bit before he nodded. "Yeah, I'll do that as soon as I get back." He said before getting up and walking out of the room.

I watched as he left, feeling a bit guilty at having him do things for me. I hated asking others for things. It made me feel like I had to pay them back somehow, but Louis wanted to help, didn't he? No, Zayn was making him.

I looked over at the bowl he left on the bedside table and thought about what he said. His mum made him the exact same kind of soup, but if that's true, that means Zayn didn't make it. Zayn doesn't really know about it. Then, did Louis really come here on his own?  
\------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS

I hated seeing Harry look so sick. It's my first time seeing him this way- my first time truly seeing someone I loved this way. I knew his illness wasn't really serious, but I was still scared for him. His voice sounded raspy and scratchy as he spoke, but it was still so beautiful to me.

I dumped out the tea I brought over and decided to start anew. He deserved the best treatment available, and that cancelled out re-heated tea. He deserved a fresh brew.

I began to boil water on the stove, trying to think of what else my mum used to do for me when I was sick, but the only other thing I could think of is when she would lay in bed with me and read me one of my favorite books. That wouldn't fit this situation.

As soon as the water was boiled enough, I poured it into a cup, right over a packet of tea and then put one sugar cube in it because I had no clue how Harry liked his tea. One cube wasn't too much or too little. It was just right.

I took the tea and walked back up to Harry's room. I walked through the door and saw the empty bed sheets pushed over the side of the bed a bit. "Harry?" I called out, setting the glass down on his bedside table as well.

I saw the light on in the restroom and assumed he was just using it, but I heard water running. Was he running his own bath?

I know it was a bit stupid for me to feel offended by this, but I just wanted to take care of him. I wanted to be useful to him. I wanted to do things for him. I needed to take care of him. Even if he thinks I don't love him.

I walked over to the restroom door and knocked on it, calling Harry's name but getting no reply. I put my hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath before pushing it open, freezing as soon as I did.

Harry was pulling his shirt over his head, his chest on full display. His skin was lightly tanned and beautiful. I wanted to reach out and touch him, run my fingers down his chest and over the slight abs and to his visible v-line. I wanted to trail kisses down his stomach and tell him how beautiful he was, but he wasn't mine. He belonged to someone else, and I was toxic for him.

"Louis!?" He yelled, as best he could, in shock as soon as his shirt was off. He held his shirt in front of his chest, his cheeks turning a light pink out of... embarrassment?

"Sorry. I know you said you'd run the bath, but I just felt... wrong. Like I was using you." He said, never looking in my eyes.

"Haz- Um, Harry, it's fine. I just wanted to check and make sure you were okay." I said. He looked up at me, and I saw tears building in his eyes. I really didn't want him to cry. Not now.

"Thank you. You can leave now, if you want. Tell Zayn I said thanks." He said, but I shook my head.

"It's fine. I can stay." I said as he went over to turn the running water off. "And, um... Zayn doesn't know I'm here, actually." I confessed, watching as he froze, the water completely off now.

He stood up straight and looked at me, confusion evident on his face, but there was something else there. Something guarded. Of course he would be guarded. I wouldn't blame him for that. I'm the one who fucked everything up.

"You mean... you came because you... you wanted to?" He asked, his voice sounded shaky and unsettled.

I gave a small nod, finding myself not able to look away from his gorgeous eyes. They held so many unrecognizable emotions in them, but I recognized a few. Fear mainly. Fear of what?

"You have to leave." He blurted out, and those words hurt more than anything. The fact that he actually wanted me to leave- that he was telling me I had to leave- broke me up inside.

I shook my head and said "I can't-"

"Louis, you have to leave." He said, and I saw a few tears fall from his eyes. I took a step towards him, but he held his hand up and said "Stop. Please."

I ignored his words and stepped towards him, bringing my hand up to wipe his tears. "Why are you crying? If you want me to leave then why are you crying about it?" I asked. Seeing how afraid and distraught he looked right now made me just want to take all of his pain away, wash all of his doubt away, collect the broken pieces of his heart and put it all back together again.

"Because... because it hurts. Everything hurts so fucking much! I'm tired of hurting." He said, closing his eyes as more tears fell.

"Okay. I- I'll go. If th- if that's what you w-want." I stuttered out, trying not to cry myself. My heart felt shattered. I felt like I needed Harry. I couldn't live without him. It hurt so much that he was pushing me away- just like I did to him.

I pulled my hand away and looked at him, seeing his tears fall as he tried to wipe them away and stop them, but nothing seemed to work. I wanted to let him know everything would be okay, but I wasn't even sure of that now.

I felt tears building in my own eyes, and I blinked them away. I couldn't shed tears right now. I had to give Harry what he needed.

I turned away and began walking out of the restroom when I felt Harry grab my arm and say in a broken voice "Wait!" I stopped and stood there, not turning to him. I felt a tear fall, and I hated myself for crying. "I'm sorry. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me, Louis." He cried out, his voice barely even there.

"You wanted me to." I said, and he walked around me, looking me in the eyes and shaking his head desperately. His eyes held so much fear and despair. I ached so much for him.

"I'm sorry. Fuck! I'm sorry." He cried, pulling at his hair to where it was hurting him. I panicked and pulled his hands away from his hair, but he pushed me away and said "Stop! I deserve it! I'm so fucked up! All I do is hurt people!" He looked in the mirror and burst into more tears.

"I fucking hate you! All you do is cry and use and hurt and fuck everything up!" He yelled at himself, and he started yelling out verbal insults at himself, just like he did that one day in my room. The same insults. How he hated himself, despised himself, wanted himself gone. And it tore through me. It ripped at my heart, seeing how damaged he was.

His voice grew weaker as he tried to yell, and I knew it would hardly even be there tomorrow. I begged him to stop, but he kept going, saying he deserved it, he needed to know it. "You're a hideous fuck up!" He yelled.

"ENOUGH!" I yelled loudly, making him jump and look at me, his eyes red and cheeks covered in tears. "You're not a fuck up, Harry! You never were! Okay?" I said, walking towards him and wiping his tears away.

He sighed at the feeling of my hands on his cheeks, leaning into my touch and placing his hands over mine. "You're beautiful, Harry. You're so damn beautiful and kind and loving. You deserve so much." I said. "So goddamn much."

He sniffled and looked up at me. I loved the color of his eyes, but they held so much in them. Like a swirl of green- a storm brewing inside of him.

My breath hitched as I saw his eyes close, and he leaned in. I grabbed his face and held him back, wishing I could kiss him, but knowing I shouldn't.

He opened his eyes and looked at me like he was a wounded puppy. "Fuck. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry. I always fuck everything up!" He cried.

"No. Harry..." I trailed off and then rested my forehead against his, just like when he went over to Zayn's. He tensed up before I felt him relax into my hold, closing his eyes again. "I want to." I finally confessed. "I want to kiss you so badly, but I'm not good for you. And you're not mine. You belong to someone else. Someone who could give you real happiness and a normal life. Someone who hasn't hurt you like I have."

"Louis... I love you." He cried out, making my chest tighten. This situation was dangerous. So very dangerous, and I know I should push him away and leave, but I couldn't. Maybe I could just be his friend? A good friend.

"I know you do." I said, closing my own eyes. I heard Harry whimper, and I knew it hurt him that I didn't say it back.

"Can you just... hold me?" He asked, and I nodded, wrapping my arms around his waist and pulling him close as he buried his face in my chest. "Please stay." He whispered out.

"Okay. I will." I said, knowing that I shouldn't, but not being able to leave. I would stay. I would stay for him, but I had to let him know that we couldn't be anything more than friends. As much as it killed me, he deserved better than I could give him.


	12. Friends

ZAYN

I was in a bit of a rush tonight, trying to get home to Liam and then go off to check on Harry. I had a whole bag of food with me from the resturaunt, and I thought Liam would enjoy some of it.

Being a waiter wasn't all that great, but the tips were good and if they were ever going to throw out perfectly good food, I could stop them and take it home instead. I never understood why the owner would want to waste food that had only been cooked that day, so what if no one plated it, save it for another day.

I sighed as I finally got home. It was eight o'clock, and I knew Liam was already home because he messaged me saying he got home about twenty minutes before me.

I got out of the car, making sure to take my bag of food with me, and walked up to the front door. I unlocked it and pushed it open, already shrugging my coat off. I hooked it onto the coat rack and then walked deeper into the house, setting the food down on the table and resting my head on it for a bit as well.

I jumped as I felt arms wrap around my waist, but I settled down as I recognized who it was. Liam pressed kisses to the back of my neck, and I smiled a bit. "You scared the living hell out of me." I commented.

"Sorry. Not what I was going for." He said with a laugh. "What's wrong? You seem so tense, babe." He noted. I was tense. There was just so much going on, and the constant guilt in the back of my mind kept eating away at me. Maybe I should tell Liam what happened while he was gone, but I was afraid to lose him. I couldn't lose him.

"Hard day at work." I began. "There were only three waiters today, and I had the biggest seating section. There was this family with the most spoiled children ever! They hated everything they ordered, and I had to constantly take plates back and forth to them. Then, there was this guy that kept trying to hit on me or something, and I kindly told him to fuck off." I said, making Liam laugh, and I smiled. I loved seeing him happy.

"Oh, and I spoke to Harry this morning. He apologized for yelling at me. I forgave him, but I still feel like I can't just go back to being the same friend to him. The things he said really hurt." I said, not mentioning that they would hurt Liam as well. If only he knew.

"He shouldn't expect you two to get past this easily. Friends fight. It's what everyone does. You don't always have to be the one to put it behind you, Zayn. It's okay to hold a grudge sometimes." He said, his hands rubbing up and down my sides in a relaxing manner.

"I know." I breathed out. I finally turned all the way around in his hold and pressed my lips to his. "I love you, Liam. You know that, right?" I asked, hoping he did. I hoped he would never doubt my love for him.

"Of course. I love you, too, Zayn. So much." He kissed me again, a soft and simple kiss, before we broke apart.

"Where's Louis?" I asked, barely noticing how quiet it was in the house. Usually Louis would be watching TV or something, and he couldn't be at work because coffee shops are never closing this late.

"I don't know. I'm guessing he went out. He wasn't here when I got home." Liam said, and I tried to think of where he could be but nothing came to mind. I let that thought leave my mind as soon as Liam spoke again.

"You won't believe who I had to work with today. Well, I guess I'll have to work with him everyday because we're like partners now." He said, sighing a bit.

"Who?" I asked. There weren't many people that Liam knew, so I was curious as to who he could be talking about.

"Niall." He said, and I looked at him in shock. "I know! It was a bit awkward. He asked about Louis- if I knew where he was and such. I'm guessing he wants him as far away from Harry as possible." 

"What did you tell him?" I asked, resting my head on Liam's shoulder.

"I told him the last time I spoke to Louis was the day we were released. That was the end of that conversation." I nodded against his shoulder. "He also asked about you and Harry. He wanted to know if I knew why you two were so upset, but I said I didn't exactly know...." He trailed off a bit and then asked "Why were you so upset, Zayn? What did Harry say to make you so upset?"

I tensed up a bit and pulled away from Liam a bit. "Nothing. I was just being stupid." Liam looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

"Zayn, I know you. You wouldn't get upset unless someone actually said something that hurt you. What happened?" He asked softly, and I guess he was being cautious with me.

"Nothing, okay! Don't worry about it. It's not your problem." I said, pushing my way past him and to the door, grabbing my coat again.

"Anything that hurts you is my problem because I hate seeing you so upset! Can you please just tell me what he said?" I shrugged my coat on and asked "Why do you care so much?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend, and you were so upset about whatever he said that you could hardly look at me when you came home! I just want to take care of you." He said, and I felt the guilt bubble up inside of me. Liam was just perfection, and I was terrible for him. But I loved him. I was so damn selfish.

"I have to go." I said, and Liam's face fell in confusion.

"Where are you going?" He asked, taking a few steps towards me in concern.

"Harry's sick. I just want to go check on him and make sure everything's okay." I said, turning away to leave, but Liam spoke up again.

"Wait, why doesn't Niall go check on him? I mean, he's his boyfriend. And I thought you said you couldn't go back to being the same friends as you two were before." He pointed out, and I sighed in frustration.

"Harry doesn't want Niall there, and even if we're not able to act the same exact way around each other anymore, doesn't mean I can't still help him out." I justified.

"Okay, I'll go with you." Liam said, walking around me to grab his coat, but I stopped him.

"No! No, it's okay." I said. I had no idea how I could act like everything was perfectly normal with Harry and Liam in the same room. The guilt and secrecy would eat me alive, not that it wasn't already.

Liam gave me a confused look, and I saw the hidden hurt in his eyes at my outburst. I sighed and walked towards him, pressing a kiss on his cheek. "I'm just going to check on him real quick. I'll be back before you know it." I assured.

"Fine. That's fine by me." Liam said, breaking out of my hold and walking away. I rushed to him and grabbed his wrist.

"What's wrong? Why are you mad at me right now?" I asked. I hated the feeling. I hated knowing that Liam was upset with me. If he got this upset over something so small, I didn't want to imagine what it would be like if he knew.

"Because you obviously don't trust me enough to tell me whatever it is that made you so upset. I want you to trust me and be able to confide in me with anything. But I guess it must've been nothing because you got over it quick enough." He said.

"Li, please-"

"Go check on Harry. It's fine. I'll be in bed when you get back." He said, walking away from me. I wanted to yell for him to wait, and I wanted to cry until he came back into the room, but that wouldn't help. Tears wouldn't fix anything. So I bottled it up and turned to leave.

I got in the car and drove to Harry's, Liam on my mind the whole time. I didn't want to ruin everything we had, but he was pushing this whole thing. Maybe I should just confess, but the thought of losing Liam killed me  
I couldn't tell him. Maybe I should just make something else up.

I shook the thought away as I parked in Harry's driveway. I got out of the car and walked over to the front door, seeing lights still on inside. I gently knocked on the door, awaiting an answer that never came.

It was silent inside, and the thought of Harry doing something reckless scared the living hell out of me. I looked in the small garden box, digging out the spare key that we use to hide there. I put it in the lock and made my way inside.

"Harry?" I called out, greeted with nothing but silence. It felt way too quiet, and it was unsettling to me. I took the key out of the lock and then closed the door, making sure it was locked behind me.

"Harry? H? You here?" I called out, walking towards his bedroom since that was the logical place to look. I got to the door and heard quiet sniffles behind it. Was he crying?

I pushed the door open, about to immediately go over to comfort him, but the scene infront of me made me stop.

Louis was sitting up against the headboard of Harry's bed, a sleeping Harry laying on his lap. His arms were wrapped tightly around his waist and he was crying against Harry's hair. It was such a bittersweet, heartbreaking thing to see.

"Louis?" I asked, making him look up as I walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. "What happened? Why are you here?"

He looked at me and spoke in a croaky voice. "I heard you on the phone today. I heard that Harry was ill, and I wanted to take care of him. I needed to be the one to help him feel better. But... I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was." He said, looking down at Harry and running a hand through his hair.

I sat there quietly, knowing Louis wasn't done speaking yet. It was just hard for him to get the words out, and he choked on them when he finally did, tears bursting from his eyes and his body shaking from it all.

"He's so hurt. So br-broken. My beautiful boy." He cried out. "He's not happy. I just... I just want him to be happy. He hates himself. Called himself such heinous things! And... maybe I started it all." He said, his voice fading to a whisper near the end, and he swallowed thickly.

"No, Louis. You didn't." I said, trying to calm him down. "You just showed him what happiness really was. You showed each other that. You made him feel loved."

"But I can't do that anymore. I can't be the person that gives him that because heaven knows I would only hurt him more." He cried out, hugging Harry closer to him.

"Louis, yes you can. You need to stop thinking that all you're gonna do is hurt him. You made one mistake. One! And you're giving up on, not only your happiness, but his as well! You two were meant to be together!" 

"He has Niall now." He said, and I could just tell how much that stung to him. "Niall loves him."

"Do you love him?" I asked, and Louis looked up at me, biting his lip and holding back tears.

"Louis, answer me. Do you love him?"

He gave a small nod before it tuened frantic. "Yes." He sobbed out. "I love him so much. So fucking much. But there isn't anything I can do. I can't love him that way."

I wanted to tell him that he could if he only tried, but I knew Louis was stubborn. He was too stubborn to listen. So, instead I said, "Then just be there for him. Be the closest friend he's ever had."  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

I woke up, seeing darkness in the room, but I was so surprised to feel fingers running through my hair. It felt nice. The touch brought me a sense of comfort, and it took me a second to figure out who it was.

"Louis?" I croaked out, my throat feeling like something was scratching at it from the inside. It hurt a lot. I knew why, too. All of my screaming and crying wasn't very beneficial.

"Yeah? Do you need something?" He asked in a whisper. I looked at the clock and saw that it was only 9:40. It looked later than what it was with how dark the room was.

"No. I'm fine. I just... why are you still here?" I asked, but I didn't mean it in an offensive way. I was honestly curious after what happened. I made a complete fool of myself.

"Because I needed to make sure you were okay." He said before he shifted a bit an pulled me up a bit. I rested on my elbows and looked up at him. He looked into my eyes, and I felt security wash over me. His eyes were soft with an undertone of pain.

"Harry, I care about you. I care about you so much, and I just want to make sure you're okay. Seeing you unhappy..." His hand came up and caressed my cheek, making me lean into his touch and close my eyes. "It hurts me so much." He confessed.

"You care about me?" I asked as I opened my eyes again and looked into his beautiful blue ones. I could tell he was being serious and completely honest with me right now. "Why?"

"I don't know. I can't exactly tell you why, but I want to make sure you're safe and fine. I want to protect you. From everything. From people. From yourself... from me." He whispered.

"Louis... I missed you." I said, squeezing my eyes shut and waiting for his rejection like the first time. He was going to tell me that I shouldn't have. That he didn't miss me at all. But I was so wrong.

"I know. I missed you, too." He said, and I opened my eyes, seeing him smiling softly at me. It made me smile a bit, and I would give anything to kiss him, but Louis was right earlier. I was with someone else, and I didn't want to be a cheater.

"You did? But I'm nothing-"

He closed his eyes, and I saw his jaw tighten. He shook his head and said "Please don't talk about yourself that way." I sat silently, just taking in his many beautiful features. His eyes lashes weren't too long, but they looked beautiful on him. His jaw was still clenched, and I watched as he slowly relaxed.

He opened his eyes, and I was sucked back into the whirlpool of blue. "You have no idea how kind and amazing you are. You're not nothing, Harry. You're everything to so many people. I care about you so much. Knowing how negatively you think about yourself hurts. I just want to be here for you. I always want to be here for you." He said, our foreheads touching again.

"I want you to be here." I confessed, emotions building up inside of me. I needed Louis here. He was all that really mattered to me right now. When Louis was around, everything felt safe. It felt right.

"Maybe... maybe we can be friends?" Louis said, but he sounded unsure, questioning it himself.

The word friends made my heart break a bit, since I wanted so much more from Louis, but there was still Niall to think about. And my parents. And everyone and everything. I wanted to just love Louis, but I knew being friends was probably the best bet we had right now. It was the only way I could definitely have Louis as a part of my life.

I nodded slowly and then smiled as I saw Louis smile. "Yeah. Friends. I'd love that." I said.

Louis pulled me into a hug, and I sighed, feeling a bit more whole. I felt happy in this moment in time, and I knew Louis was to thank for that. He was everything to me. I don't think I ever comprehended just how much he meant to me until I was severely hurt and heart broken.

"Good. Now, go back to sleep, Harry." He said as we both pulled away. I looked at him, debating on if I should ask the question I had on my mind, and I decided to anyway.

"Are you gonna stay? I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to." I said.

"Yeah. I'll stay." He said, and I felt satisfied by that answer. "Um, want me in Zayn's old room?" He asked.

If we are just friends, I guess we shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed, but I needed Louis close. I always needed Louis. I loved him, even if I couldn't say the words. Even if I had to pretend I didn't.

"No. No, this is fine. I just don't really want to be alone right now." I said, telling myself that that was the only reason.

"I understand. It's okay." Louis shifted us so that he was laying down as well, and I smiled softly as he wrapped his arms around my waist, one hand playing with my hair. "Just go to sleep."

I snuggled into his chest and felt true happiness for the first times in years. "Thank you, Louis." I said.

"Of course. What are friends for?" He whispered, and I pressed a gently kiss to his neck before closing my eyes, feeling his hold on me tighten as I fell back to sleep, hearing Louis whisper something, but I was already too far gone to understand what it was he said.

And that night, I didn't have nightmares, only peaceful dreams. I knew it was because Louis took all the pain away. I was finally safe in his arms, but for how long?


	13. Beautiful Lies

LIAM

I laid in bed, just staring up at the ceiling. It was way too hard to go to sleep with so many thoughts running through my mind. Why didn't Zayn trust me enough to tell me what really happened? I figured I had the right to know since he was my boyfriend. I just wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be enough to make him smile, despite what anyone would say.

And why was he so eager to go and help Harry? Surely he was still upset with him, so why did he basically push me away just to go help him? If I was being honest, that hurt. It hurt that Zayn hardly gave me the time of day when it came to Harry. I didn't want to be jealous, but I just wanted to spend some time with him. All he's been doing since I even got here was worrying about Harry and working. Sure, we got a bit of time together, but whenever we did we mostly had sex. Not that I'm complaining, but I just wanted to at least eat dinner with Zayn tonight. I missed him.

I heard the front door open and close, guessing that it was Zayn. I sighed, feeling so frustrated. I just wanted to know why he was so upset, but he refused to tell me. What was so bad that he couldn't tell me?

I heard the front door open and close, and I turned on my side, attempting to shut my eyes again, but it was just as useless as the first try.

Our bedroom door opened and I looked up, seeing Zayn walking in. He looked at me and said "I thought you'd be asleep." He walked a bit closer and sat on the edge of the bed. Eventhough I was upset with him, I still loved him and wanted him close.

"I tried to. I couldn't. Not unless you were here." I confessed. He looked at me, and I saw his eyes fill with tears. Why was he going to cry? I didn't like seeing him this way. I sat up in bed and wiped his eyes. "What's wrong, babe?" I asked.

"I'm so sorry. For everything. You're too fucking good for me. Harry was right...." He cried, trailing off as I hugged him close to my chest. Was he finally opening up to me about what was said?

"What did Harry say?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to fight with him. I didn't want him to go back into his shell and not tell me what I knew had to truly be hurting him.

"He, um... he said that he was surprised you were still with me because I think I know everything about everyone. He said that I think I'm this holy voice that everyone should listen to when I'm not. He said it was fucking annoying." He cried, giving a little dry laugh of pain. "And I understand now. He was right. If you're annoyed by me, too, I understand." He said softly, turning away and looking at the floor.

I sat silently for a few seconds, trying to control this anger that I now had towards Harry. How could he say something like that to Zayn? He was always trying to help. He helped him through so much while we were in prison. It honestly pissed me off.

I took a deep breath, calming down, and finally spoke up. "Zayn, he's wrong." I began, grabbing his chin and making him look back up at me. Each tear that fell from his eye broke me up inside.

"I love you so much, babe. Nothing about you is annoying. You're so loving. All you do is try to help people, and Harry had no right to say what he did. I'm with you because I want to be. Because I love you so goddamn much. Because a life without you in my arms isn't even a life worth living." I fully divulged my emotions, and Zayn burst into even more tears.

I held him close, holding him as tight as possible. I rocked us back and forth, rubbing his back to try and soothe him. "I love you so- so much." He choked out, and I nodded, kissing his temple and whispering the same three words back to him.

I held him as he cried against my chest, my heart clenching in both pain and love for him. I just wanted to make him feel better, but how could I when a part of me felt like he was still hiding something? I just felt like he wasn't completely telling me the true problem. I don't know why.

But maybe I did. Maybe it was in the way he cried so heavily, tears ripping their way out of his body. Maybe it was in the way he gripped onto my shirt as if I would leave otherwise. It felt like this bed was full of lies. Or maybe a heart just knows when it's other half is one step behind, trying desperately to catch up or rip apart completely.  
\------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS

I woke up, feeling Harry shaking in my arms. I laid there for a second, feeling like I was dreaming. Was he really here or was this just a dream? But it felt so real. The burning touch of his skin against mine. Then I remembered all of last night. We were friends now. Just friends.

I looked down at him and saw the the blanket was halfway down our bodies. He was shivering desperately. I pulled the cover back up and heard him mumble out a small thank you.

"Why didn't you just pull them up? I wasn't hot or anything." I said, wondering why he suffered through the cold instead of covering himself up. He could have bundled himself up and taken all of the blanket if it meant he was warm and okay.

"You were warm enough." He said quietly, his voice sounding worse than yesterday, and that made my heart beat pick up a bit. Harry slowly turned in my arms and both of our breaths hitched as our faces were so close to each others. His lips were so close.

I looked away from his tempting pink lips and looked at his appearance. He was a bit pale, and that scared me. I lifted my arm from where it was wrapped around his waist, causing a shiver to come out of Harry. I held my hand to his forehead and was disappointed that he felt warmer than he did before. He was so sick, and it upset me.

"You're worse than yesterday, Harry." I commented as I felt his cheeks as well, my eyes looking deeply into his.

"I know. Probably from crying and straining myself even more. I'll stay in bed today though. Like I should have yesterday." He said in a bit of regret. I frowned a bit, remembering what happened yesterday.

I was about to mention it when Harry's phone rang, cutting through our conversation. He turned over and picked it up from the bedside table, groaning a bit. "What is it?" I asked.

"I need to go back to work today. I had two days off. It's not efficient or professional to be gone for so long." He said, moving to get out of bed, but I stopped him by holding him tighter around his waist.

"Woah, you're not going to work. You're sick." I said pointedly. He was worse than he was yesterday, and a part of me felt like I was responsible for that.

"I have to. I can't miss too many days. My parents will-"

"Your parents should understand. And if they don't then screw them!" I said. He looked at me and started shaking his head, about to protest again, but I stopped him.

"Harry, you're their son. Your well-being should come before any company. Before anything. And if it doesn't, then they are the ones that have their morals wrong. Especially because you are always trying to make them happy and be perfect for them. They should stop acting like your boss and start acting like your parents." I announced.

"But they won't! This company is everything to them. My dad started it even before I was born. He raised me around this company. They left me with baby sitters or with Niall's mum and dad while they went on business trips. The company is their creation- their first child. I know I'm second to that, and I always will be, so can you please just drop it and let me go to work? At least I'll make them proud in doing that." He said, and every single word broke my heart.

Harry was the most amazing human being on the planet. His parents were blind if they didn't realize how great of a son they had. They were stupid if that damn company mattered more to them than he did. I wanted to find his parents and just yell at that for being so ignorant to what they had.

"Maybe you're not first in their book, but you're definitely first in mine." I said, looking him in the eyes. He looked a bit shocked and them closed his eyes, turning away.

"Louis, you can't-"

"It's true." I said, snapping his attention back to me. "That company could go bankrupt for all I care. You matter so much to me. I'm not letting you work today."

We sat quietly, staring into each other's eyes. Harry's eyes seemed to be searching mine for something, and I guess he found it because he nodded. "Okay. I'll call in today- tell my assistant."

"Thank you." I said before I pulled him back so he was laying down again. He snuggled up closer against my chest, and I felt satisfied. I had my whole world in my arms, even if he wasn't really mine. I was just glad he listened and decided to stay home.

I groaned as I remembered that even if he didn't have work today, I did. It was my first day working at the coffee shop, and if I didn't go I would certainly be fired. It would be such a bad first impression on the job.

"What is it?" Harry asked, looking up at me. I didn't want to tell him that I had to go because I really didn't want to, but could I miss my first day to work? I probably should. After all, Harry was first in my life. Screw it! Work came second.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." I assured, but he didn't seem convinced at all. He got up onto his elbow and looked at me.

"Louis, you don't just groan because nothing at all is happening. Tell me." He said, but I hesitated. I really didn't want to tell him. "Please?" He asked, looking at me with his wide, beautiful eyes, and I caved.

"Alright." I sighed out. "Today is suppose to be my first day at work, but I'm gonna just quit. You're more important anyway." I concluded, and Harry looked a bit shocked.

"Thank you." He began. "Thank you for putting me first, Louis, but I'm not going to let you just quit this job. It's probably the first job you've had in so long. Just go in. I'll be fine." He said, giving me an assuring smile.

"Are you sure? 'Cause I could stay and-"

"Louis, I'm sure. As your new best friend, I want what's best for you. Staying here isn't that. Besides, what if we both get sick? Go to work." He said, and I nodded, smiling at him in return.

I got out of bed and found my shoes from the floor, slipping them back onto my feet. I turned back to Harry and couldn't stop myself from leaning down and pressing a kiss on his forehead.

Friends. We were friends. Best friends, but I still wanted so much more. So much that I couldn't allow myself to take from him. I would only hurt him because I only end up messing everything up. I always did.

"Bye. I'll came back later, yeah?" I offered, and he smiled.

"I'd like that. Thank you, Louis. Have a good day at work." He said, and I nodded before turning away and leaving Harry's room, feeling happier than I have in a long time with Harry back in my life, but still so miserable not being able to tell him how I really feel.  
\------------------------------------------------------

NIALL

I got out of my car, two coffees in my hand, and walked up to Harry's front door. I was glad I didn't have to go in to work today. Spending the day with Harry would be so much better.

I was going to knock on the door, but saw that it was already unlocked. I raised an eyebrow because Harry never left his door unlocked. It was dangerous to do. You never know who could be walking around.

I went into the house, closing the door and locking it behind me. I decided that Harry should be in bed- it was the logical thing to do when you're sick.

I walked down the hall and to his room, seeing the bedroom door left open a bit. I walked a little faster down the hall, my footsteps seeming so loud in the utter silence. I got to the door and heard Harry speak. "Is that you L-" His voice took an abrupt stop as he saw me in the doorway.

He looked a bit pale, but that could just be from sickness. "Love." He finished, looking a bit uneasy, but I just offered him a smile, loving the pet name as it came from his lips. It made my heart erupt in happiness.

"Hey. Thought I'd come over and surprise you today. Coffee?" I asked, holding it out for him. It was still warm, and I hoped it felt good down his throat because it sounded so raw and scratchy. I just hoped it was better than yesterday.

"Thank you." He whispered, taking the coffee from my hands and looking down at the covers. I was going over to sit on the edge of his bed when I saw a jacket hanging on the back of his desk chair. I knew it wasn't Harry's because I'd never seen him wear it before.

"Whose jacket is that?" I asked, pointing over to it in curiosity. I saw Harry's eyes go a bit wide before he coughed, the sound very unpleasant, and said "Zayn visited yesterday. Guess he left it here."

I felt a bit unsure, not really thinking that the jacket matched Zayn's style, but maybe he was trying something new out. Besides, why would Harry lie to me about this? I nodded, taking his word for it as I sat down beside him and took his hand in mine.

"How are you holding up? You haven't thrown up, have you?" I asked, rubbing my thumb gently over his hand. He shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. I admired him, taking in every single feature from his bright, green eyes to the small smile on his face- a genuine smile. It's been awhile since I've seen that.

"What's got you so happy?" I asked as he looked into his coffee cup. I was now smiling myself because seeing him this way made me feel full of joy. I wanted to always see him smile, especially because it's been so long since he truly has.

"Just... today feels like a good day. A great day even." He said, and I was ecstatic. He didn't even seem to be effected by his illness. It made me feel so good inside.

I leaned into him and pecked his lips, watching as he cleared his throat right after and drank some more coffee. I was so happy for him, it was almost overwhleming.

"Do you need me to do anything for you?" I asked him, wanting to take care of him. He shook his head a bit before saying "Not really. Thank you for being here though. You're a good fri- um, boyfriend, Niall."

I noticed his slip-up, and it hurt so much, but I put on a smile for him. He was so damn happy today, and I didn't want to be the person to ruin that by raising hell over a small slip-up that probably meant nothing.

"Have you taken any medicine?" I asked him, feeling how hot he was even through the blanket he had on. He shook his head, and I stood up, walking over to his bathroom. "I'll get you something to take for your headache. You still have one, right?" I asked.

"No, actually. It's not as bad anyway. I just feel really rested. Lo- I mean, Zayn was really helpful yesterday." He said, catching himself on saying something. I looked at him, feeling so confused and lost. He was obviously lying to me, or not telling me something at the most.

"Harry... is there something you're not telling me?" I asked finally, curiosity getting the better of me. I couldn't help it. Harry and I have literally told each other everything since we were kids. Well, I haven't told him about my situation with my mum, but still.

"What? No. Of course not." He mumbled, looking back down at the sheets that covered him. I looked back at the jacket and just knew that it wasn't Zayn's. It couldn't be Zayn's. But Harry would never lie to me. He never has.

"Harry, who was really here yesterday because I know it wasn't Zayn." I said, looking back at him. He had a look of fear in his eyes, but then that look went away, replaced by sadness.

"Why would you think I would lie to you, Niall? We tell each other everything. We always have." He said, stealing my thoughts away.

"Yeah, I thought we did, too, but apparently we don't." I said, sounding a bit snappy, but I felt so hurt. Why can't he just be truthful? "If you're sleeping around with someone else, the right thing to do would be to tell me." I said, standing up and grabbing the stupid jacket, tossing it at him.

"Niall, I'm not- how could you even assume something like that?" Harry asked, incredulously.

"Because you won't fucking tell me what's going on!? And don't act so damn innocent when you came begging me to love you after Louis broke you!" I yelled, instantly regretting the words as I saw Harry's face fall and hurt and anger fill his eyes.

"Get out." He snapped, looking at me with cold eyes.

"Shit! Harry, I'm sorry. I love you so much, I just-"

"Get out, Niall!" He yelled, his voice sounding so wrecked. I didn't want him to completely lose his voice, so I nodded my head.

"Okay. I will." I said, holding my tears in. "Can you just answer me a few things?" I asked, needing to know if he was cheating on me.

Harry gave a hesitant nod, and I asked "Who was really here?"

He looked at me for a moment, an unreadable expression in his eyes as he said "Zayn."

I sighed and asked "Do you have real feelings for me? Any at all?" I asked, hoping that he did. Harry meant so much to me, and I loved him so much.

He didn't speak for a while, seeming to think everything through. He looked down as he nodded and said "Yes, I do." I couldn't hope but notice that he sounded a bit upset saying it, but why?

"Are we still together? I'm so sorry for what I said, I just-" I was hoping we were. I was on the verge of crying before Harry stopped me, seeing the tears in my eyes.

"Of course, Ni. Please don't cry." He said. He squeezed his eyes shut before leaning in and kissing me deeply. The kiss felt amazing, but I knew I had to leave still like Harry wanted.

I broke away and Harry gave a small wave as I walked out of the door. I took one look back, seeing Harry holding the jacket as if it was the most precious thing in the world. But why? If it was Zayn's jacket, then why?


	14. I'll Keep You My Dirty Little Secret

ZAYN

I woke up to an empty bed. I frowned a bit, wanting Liam right next to me. I felt a little bit of weight off of my chest after I told him what Harry said, but the guilt was still there. The guilt of not telling him the bigger part of it all. How could I? It would make him hate me so much.

I got out of bed, getting dressed and ready as quickly as I could, before I made my way out into the hallway. I was halfway down the hall when I got a text from Harry asking me to come over. Of course I would. If he needed me, I would be there. It's what friends do.

"Good morning, babe." Liam said, walking over and kissing me. I kissed him back, loving the feeling of his lips on mine, but the kiss quickly became unbearable as the guilt within me built by the second. I was such a terrible person.

I pulled away abruptly, leaving Liam confused. He raised an eyebrow at me and asked "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

I didn't really know what to say or how to respond. I couldn't just say 'oh, I just feel guilty for not being completely honest with you about this thing that happened a few years back between Harry and I, and it may make you hate me.' I had to think quickly.

"Nothing. I just... um, smelled something cooking and didn't want you to get too distracted and burn it. What is that by the way?" I asked, sniffing the air and receiving a sweet, syrupy scent.

"I decided to cook us a lovely breakfast. I figured you've been really stressed lately, and I guess I wanted to do something for you. Try and get things back to normal- just like the old days." He said, wrapping his arms around my waist and looking me in the eyes, a loving glance casted down at me.

I looked at him, feeling so much love. I was so lucky to have someone as amazing as Liam, but I also felt terrible that he had to end up with someone as shitty as me. I just couldn't find it in myself to let him go.

"Thank you." I said, honestly appreciating the loving gesture. He smiled down at me and pulled me in for another kiss. I tried relaxing into it, focusing solely on Liam, but that only made the sickening feeling of guilt even worse.

I pulled away again, seeing Liam's hurt face. I didn't mean to make him feel that way, but it was all too much right now. I needed these thoughts to go away. Why did Harry have to bring it up after all these years?

"Zayn, honestly, are you okay? You know you can tell me anything, babe." Liam assured. No, I really couldn't. Not this. Not ever.

"Yes." I said, looking away from his eyes. "Listen, I would love to eat breakfast with you, but I have to go." I said, breaking out of his hold. I went over to grab my car keys as Liam followed behind me.

"Where are you going? You don't have work until tonight." He pointed out. I was about to respond when I heard a knock at the front door. "Hold on." I told him, going over and answering it to see a rather angry looking Niall.

"Um, what are you doing here, Niall? Harry's at his house." I said, and he nodded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I know. I was just there." He said, seeming to have an attitude that he wasn't even trying to hide. What was up with him?

"Oh. Okay...?" I said, not really knowing how to respond. Finally, he told me why he was actually here and talking to me.

"Did you go and visit Harry yesterday?" He asked. If that was the question he was going to ask about, then why was he acting like something was offensive?

I nodded. "Yeah. I went over to check on him. I wasn't there for long, but yeah. Why is this important?" I asked, hearing Liam walk up behind me.

Niall's eyes drifted over to him for a second before looking back at me. "Did you happen to leave a jacket there?" What? I didn't leave a jacket... but maybe Louis did.

"Um... yes. Yes, I did." I answered. "Did you bring it?" I asked, just wanting to take it away from him if he did. I just felt like the secret would be out that Louis was there if he so much as touched the jacket.

"No. Harry and I had a... a disagreement about something. I tossed him the jacket and saw the most peculiar thing as I left." He said, and I tried not to gulp from nerves. Did he know? There was no way he fucking knew.

"He was holding the jacket in his hand, just admiring it as if it was his most prized possession. Hell, he was basically worshipping it. Why? Why would he do that if it was your jacket, Zayn? Maybe you're closer to him than I thought?" He asked, and I felt Liam grip onto my waist at those words. He pulled me aside and stepped in front of me.

"What are you trying to say, Niall?" He asked, and I had to admit that Liam did seem pretty intimidating right now. However, Niall wasn't going to back down. He was a bit crazed when it came to Harry.

"I'm saying that Harry and Zayn seem to have a deeper connectiong than either of us thought, unless... the jacket wasn't yours?" He said, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. I knew what he was trying to do here. He was trying to get me to tell him who the jacket really belonged to, but I would never. As much as I wanted to just yell at Niall and rub the fact that Louis was taking care of Harry when he wasn't in his face, I would keep it to myself for Lou's sake.

"If it wasn't my jacket, then whose could it be?" I asked, my question holding a tone that would hopefully make Niall feel ridiculous about even questioning things. "Niall, I think you worry too much. You and Harry got into a fight-"

"Disagreement." He said. I knew Niall didn't particularly like to think of fighting with Harry, but even Louis knew when they use to be in fights. It was more than a measly disagreement, but I let it slide.

"Right. And maybe you're just scared that things won't get resolved. I'm sure you just imagined it. Harry doesn't like me that way, and I only love Liam." I said honestly. "You've got nothing to worry about."

He seemed to take in my words, thinking to himself about them. He finally nodded slowly. "Right. Yeah. That's it. Um, sorry for bothering you two. See you at work tomorrow, Liam. Sorry Zayn." He said, turning around and mumbling to himself about being an idiot as he walked back to his car.

I closed the door, thankful that was over, but I still had to go to Harry to get the jacket, then tell Louis to be more careful. I turned to Liam and said "I have to go to Harry's."

He looked at me, a bit of curiosity in his eyes. "Why? You just went yesterday." He said.

"I know, but he asked if I could go over. I guess he wants to talk about this 'disagreement' he and Niall had. Besides, I'll get the jacket from him." I decided.

"About that, was it really your jacket? Because I don't think Niall made up what he saw in his head, and if it was then-" I cut Liam off before he could even say or assume what I knew he was going to.

"No. It was Louis' jacket. He was there when I went to check up on Harry yesterday. Please don't believe a word I said to Niall. I just had to get him off of Louis' trail." I assured, but Liam still seemed unsure. "Li, please believe me. I love you. Why would I lie to you?"

My hands were on his cheeks, and I felt that crippling guilt wash over me as I asked the question. It all felt so wrong and twisted. Why couldn't I just face my fear and tell Liam?

He gave out a sigh and rested his forehead against mine. "I'm sorry. I guess it's just hard being so confident in what we have when I know that I was gone for so long. You and Harry were each other's only true support for five whole years. A lot can happen and change in that time period. It just scares me." He admitted, and now I felt even worse.

I was keeping this secret from Liam, and now he was admitting that he was worried there was something between Harry and I while he was away. I loved Liam, but I was probably the worse boyfriend ever.

"Nothing happened." I lied, closing my eyes and just feeling him there.

"Promise?" He asked, his arms wrapping around my waist. I knew he was trusting me completely. He was trusting me with his heart, and he wanted honesty, but there was no way he could ever find out, right?

I nodded, our foreheads brushing a bit. "I promise. I love you." I whispered, pulling him in for a kiss. It lingered for a bit before my guilt consumed me yet again. I pulled back, talking right after so Liam wouldn't question my actions again.

"I'll be back as soon as I can. Sorry about the breakfast thing. Maybe tomorrow before work, yeah?" I asked him, and he still seemed a bit upset, but he nodded.

I went to pull away, but Liam caught my arm, making me turn back to him. He had a saddened and piercing look in his eyes as he said "I love you, Zayn. So much."

"I know. I love you, too, Liam." I said, looking into his eyes and trying to find out what exactly he was feeling. He slowly let go of my arm, and I turned away, walking towards the front door.

I felt terrible inside. Liam was true to me. He was always there for me. He was so strong for me. And how do I repay him? By lying straight to his face. I was an awful person. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder if it was better to know the truth if it hurt so much, or if it was better to hear a lie.  
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I parked the car outside of the coffee shop that Louis worked at, grabbing the jacket as I walked out. It took a while to get it from Harry, considering the fact that he just wanted to keep something that still smelled like Louis. It was kind of adorable, but I couldn't risk Niall seeing it again.

Harry was so upset and confused when I got there. He told me that he and Louis were trying out the whole friends thing, and I already knew that part of it, but then he went on. He told me that he almost called Niall his friend, that Niall assumed he was messing around with someone else, and he asked if Niall knew. If he knew about what happened between he and I.

It was a difficult conversation to get through, but it was soon over, and I was glad to be out of the house and driving away. I loved Harry, he was a great person, but the guilt I had from just being around him was too much. If he even touched my arm, it was like a flashback to what happened.

I walked to the front door, seeing an elderly woman walking in behind me. I held the door open for her, offering her a smile as he thanked me for the kindness. I didn't deserve the thanks. I was a guilty and horrid person.

I walked inside behind her, looking around for Louis and seeing him behind the counter at a coffee machine. I walked over, his back still to me as I heard him mumbled "Hate coffee. Smells like shit."

I laughed, making him turn to me. "Guessing the job isn't going so well?" I asked, leaning against the counter.

The place didn't seem like a bad place. The walls were a typical light tan, small coffee mugs and little brown decails on the wall. The place was warm and filled with the smell of coffee, bread, and muffins. It felt homey, and I felt like it could be a good place for Louis to be at.

"No, it's fine. I just really hate coffee. Why do so many people order it?" He asked. "Besides, the tea here is much better and quicker to serve."

"I bet." I said, looking down at the jacket in my hand. Louis turned off the coffee machine and finally gave me his full attention. "Now, why are you here?" He asked.

I brought the jacket up over the counter and raised an eyebrow. "Care to tell me why you were so careless as to leave your jacket at Harry's house?" I asked, laying it down on the counter.

"Shit! I knew I forgot something. But only Harry was there, so why does it matter?" He asked, collecting the jacket up off of the table and putting a hand on his waist.

"It matters because Niall visitied him today. Louis, he saw the jacket." I said, and Louis's eyes went wide for a second.

"Does he know I was there? Because if he does then I think it's safe to say that I need to talk to him about Har-"

"No. Harry lied to him and said it was mine. He came to my house today asking about it. Louis, I'm only really telling you this because I can't always lie for you. He was pissed at me, thinking I had something going on with Harry because he saw him holding the jacket as if it was the most precious thing in his life." I divulged.

Louis' eyes softened for a moment, probably thinking about Harry and how much he loved him. I just wish they would say they loved each other, make-out, and go back to being together and happy again. Sure, Niall would be upset, but I was sure Harry wasn't the one for him. He would meet someone right for him eventually.

"Liam thought exactly what Niall did." I said, my voice dropping a bit lower. Part was from guilt and part was from knowing that Liam actually would assume as much. Louis looked at me in a bit of shock and shook his head.

"Zayn, I'm sorry. I know that you love Liam. You would never-"

"It's okay." I interrupted. Great. Now I was lying to Louis as well. He thought so highly of me, but he would want to murder me as soon as he found out the truth. I was drowning in lies and guilt. I wasn't built to handle it all.

"Thank you. For not telling Niall. Is Liam still upset?" He asked, probably wanting to just know if we were okay. I knew he didn't want to be the reason why we would ever split up, but if anyone would be, I fear it would be me.

"Yeah. We're okay. Just... if you go over to Harry's again, make sure you take everything you brought over there- even if it's just a fucking pen." I said, trying to bring a little bit of a humorous side to the situation.

He smiled lightly at that. "Yeah, okay. I was thinking of going after I finish working. I told Harry I would, but I'm not so sure anymore." He confessed, leaning against the counter on his side as well.

I looked at him with a confused look. "Why would you tell him you were going over and then second-guess it? What's even making you second-guess ir? If it's this Niall thing, and the whole jacket ordeal-"

He shook his head with a small laugh. "No, no. It's not that. The jacket was an accident, and I don't reallt care if Niall knows. I can handle Niall. It's been done before." He said, mumbling the last part.

"Then what is it?" I asked, genuinely curious. Louis would literally give any opportunity to be with Harry, just spend even a second with him, so what was making him want to give up that time?

"Honestly?" He asked, and I gave a curt nod. "Okay. Well, I guess I just feel like being a part of Harry's life in any way is bad for him. Being just friends is so hard. The whole time I was with him, I wanted to desperately to kiss him. But I can't. I know I can't. He's with someone else, and Harry's so sweet and innocent. It'd be selfish and stupid to kiss him. That would make him a cheater. I don't think I'm strong enough to do the whole friend thing. But I don't want to break him." He sounded so torn. His eyes held helplessness and pure confusion as to what he should do.

"Louis, you can do it. You're the strong, fearless leader, yeah? And you always love a challenge. Being friends isn't too hard. Just... just think before you act, hmm?" I suggested, knowing Louis was one to act first typically.

"I don't know, I-"

"Think before you act." I repeated, not letting him back out of this. "Spend the day with Harry again. You both were so happy. To be honest, I don't want to see those smiles fade again." I said, looking him in the eyes and meaning it.

He smiled, pure thankfulness overtook his features. "Okay. Thank you, Zayn. I'm glad to have a friend like you." He said, reaching over the counter to hug me- which was new.

I hugged him back, my smile dropping a bit as guilt filled me up. I hated lying. It was killing me inside. And I saw Liam's hesitant face as I walked out of the door today. I just... I hope I can forget this before it consumes me. Nobody had to know. Nobody.


	15. Make Me Feel Loved

LOUIS

I walked into Harry's house with a bag in my hands. Zayn had told me where the extra key was hidden, and I decided to use it instead of making Harry get out of bed to answer the door. He needed to lie down and be bundled up in blankets if he wanted to get better soon.

I put the key on the dining room table before making my way to Harry's room, a bit excited to see him again. Okay, a lot excited. He was everything to me, and I loved him so much. It just sucked that we were on friendship terms only. Friends Louis. Friends.

I repeated the word in my head as I approached it bedroom door, but I stopped as I heard his voice sounding a bit troubled. I leaned against the door and listened.

"Mum, please. I do take the business seriously! I just didn't feel well at all today, and I-" He stopped speaking with a small sigh, my guess being that she cut him off. Was she seriously upset with him for missing work?

"I know! But I have never missed a day of anything in my life, and just this once I thought that maybe I should stay home and actually take care of my health before-" He got cut off again, and it was honestly irritating the hell out of me that she wouldn't let him speak and tell his side of things. Screw the business- Harry was way more important.

"Yes ma'am." He said sadly, and I frowned at that. It broke my heart whenever he sounded upset. "I know. I'm sorry. It won't hap- it won't happen again." He choked on his words, and I felt my hands ball into fists. She was making him cry! I wanted to snatch the phone away and yell at her, but Harry didn't even know I was here.

"I-I'm not. I feel better." He said, and I could tell he was lying by the tone in his voice. "I'm sorry. Yes. I- I l-love you, too." He managed to get out. "Bye." He breathed before I heard something hit the wall- most likely his phone.

I heard him begin to cry, sobs racking out from his chest, and I couldn't stand it anymore. I walked into Harry's room, seeing him crying into his knees. I silently walked over to him and set the bag down before wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close. He flinched a bit in surprise before he looked at me. I gave him a small smile and he broke down in my arms.

"Shhh. I know. It's okay, Harry." I whispered against his ear, rocking him back and forth in my arms. This boy was my whole entire world, and I just wanted him to smile. He deserved every little good thing in the world. He deserved to never be hurt. His heart was pure gold, yet it wasn't heavy at all.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm such a cry baby. I just... it hurts so much that she didn't even care. She didn't even listen. Everything's been so wrong today, and I just... I don't want to deal with it anymore." He cried out, and I squeezed him tighter.

"Hey, look at me, Harry." I said, holding his chin in my fingers. He looked up at me, sniffling a bit, but he still looked so beautiful. I wiped a few tears from his cheeks and smiled softly at him again.

"I'm sorry today was such a bad day, but it'll be okay. I want to make you happy now, okay? It'll be just me and you for the rest of the day, yeah? I'll take care of you. Forget about everyone else right now, alright love?" I said, not meaning for the term to slip out, but it was worth it when I saw Harry smile a bit, nodding his head.

"Good." I said, hugging him once more before I grabbed the bag from the floor. "Now, since you're still rather ill, I've taken it upon myself to buy some movies we could watch. If you're up for it." I said, giving him the choice.

"Yeah, that'd be great. Just like our scary movie marathon." He said, and I smiled at the memory. It was both painful and light to think back to because of how things have changed since then.

"Exactly. Just like that. I even broight horror films." I said, watching as Harry's eyes widened for a second before he blinked them back to normal. I found it brave and endearing how Harry kept his fear under control, but I was always here for him.

"What'vs you got?" He asked, trying to look through the bag, but I slapped his hand away playfully. I laughed lightly at the small "Ow, meanie," that came from his mouth. He was simply adorable.

"I've got The Conjuring, Pet Sematary, and, one that I have been dying to watch, The Boy. I stacked all of the DVDs on his bed, letting him see them all. He picked up The Boy and looked at the front and back covers.

"Great. Another doll movie." He said sarcastically. I remember him telling me how dolls freaked him out, but that was exactly why I got this movie. It wouldn't hurt if he clinged onto me and held tight during the movie. 

"Yup! But I heard it's suppose to have, like, a twist ending or summat. Should be interesting. That is, if you're up for it." I said, raising my eyebrows. Harry looked at the DVD before looking at me, biting his lip as he thought about it.

Finally, he let out a deep breath and said "Ah, what the hell. I'm sure it'll be okay." I cheered, watching as Harry laughed at my reaction. That laugh was simply music to my ears, and I absolutely loved it.

I took the DVD out of his hand and said "To the couch! We need snacks, blankets, and some tea." Harry stood up slowly, dragging the blanket off of his bed with him. We both walked to the living room and I set up the movie before getting snacks and making some tea.

I amde my way back to the couch, laying down the opposite way Harry was and handing him the tea and some fruit- his request not mine- and pressing play. I was so ready for this.  
\------------------------------------------------------

"What the hell did we just watch?" Harry asked, making me laugh as his eyes never left the screen as the credits rolled. I think I could agree with him. The plot twist was excellent, but it also took the creepy factor up a notch or two- or a million.

"A masterpiece." I said, making Harry burst into laughter, and I absolutely loved it. He sat up a bit and said "You know, I'm actually feeling a lot better now. My headache is long gone and my throat is easing up as well."

"Yup. It's official. I am a miracle worker." I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. Harry laughed a bit and shook his head before turning off the TV and laying back on his side of the couch.

"So, what do you want to do now?" I asked. It was still rather early. Only 8:30 pm. I didn't have to be home so soon for Zayn and Liam anyway. Besides, Harry was more important than getting home to go to bed.

"Um..." He trailed off as he looked around the room, thinking about what we could possibly do. I suggested another movie, but Harry said he was already creeped out enough for the night. I laughed at that- this boy was amazing.

"Ooh! Music! Let's listen to some music! I need some to fill my brain after that movie." He said, making me laugh again as he stood up to go to his radio.

"Aww, come on! It wasn't that bad. Didn't you love the little voice? 'Why won't you follow the rules?'" I mimicked, making Harry look at me with wide eyes, his finger on the 'on' button.

"Don't ever do that again, Louis." He said, and I smiled and nodded. He let let out a sigh of relief before he looked back at the radio. "What should we listen to?" He asked, seeming to be speaking more to himself.

Honestly, music has never been a big thing for me. There were too many love songs, songs about dancing in night clubs, songs about drugs. None of it interested me. I tossed music out a long time ago, but of course I would attempt to listen to it for Harry.

"Ooh! Everyone knows this song!" He said, stopping it on a station that had a lady singing about how someone's going to hear her roar. It made no sense, but I sat there as Harry walked back over to the couch.

"I love this song. Katy Perry is gorgeous. Don't you love this song?" He asked, slowly nodding his head along to the beat as he looked over at me. He had a questioning look on his face, and I just shrugged.

"I don't know. Not particularly." I said, making his mouth fall open a bit. "Harry," I said with a small laugh at his reaction," I was in jail for five years. I have no idea what song this is. Besides, I never really listened to music in the first place."

"Right. Sorry. I forgot." He said, sounding a bit guilty. He looked upset again, and that was the last thing I wanted him to feel. He didn't even need to be sorry. I was the stupid one that decided ransom would be a good idea. I don't regret it though. Without Harry, I would have still been angry at the world.

I scooted closer to him on the couch and held his hand in mine, a warm sensation spreading as soon as we touched. Harry gave a small gasp, and I could only guess he felt it to. "You don't have to be sorry, Harry. You're always sorry when nothing is even your fault. There's no reason for you to be. I was the one who messed up all those years ago, not you. I'm responsible for what happened, not you. There's really no need to be sorry." 

"I know. I'm sorry, but I-"

"Harry." I said, giving him a pointed look.

"Right. Sorry-"

"Harry." I interrupted again. He didn't need to say sorry. It was pointless right now. He was doing nothing wrong.

"Crap, sorry! Ugh! Sorry!" He said, blushing a bit as I laughed. "I am doomed to apologize forever." he muttered, which I found adorable.

"Just stop talking then. Don't talk, don't apologize, don't do anything. Just listen to whatever song this is playing." I said, listening as the song changed to some singing about having no idea why she's at a party or something. She kept saying "I'll be over here" a lot.

"Oh, I love this song! I feel the exact same way at parties or any social event. I'm much more of a wallflower. My parents never see that side though." He said, and I raised an eyebrow.

"Why not?" I asked. It seemed silly to me that they didn't even know every single part of their son. If I were them, I would want to know everything about Harry. Wasn't that a parent's job? To get to know their child so they can take better care of them?

"Whenever they had business parties or dinners at our house, I was always just expected to be social with everyone. I guess it's fine. Kind of like pushing me to get out of mt comfort zone, which is always a good thing, but sometimes the crowd of people and all the voices was too much. I would panic a lot, but I wasn't allowed to leave the party. As 'a host' I was expected to stay and help out if anyone needed anything." He told me.

"So you had to stay there and deal with it? Harry, that's not okay. You were risking panic attacks that whole time!" I said, feeling so worried for him even if he wasn't risking it right now. It seemed that I always found another reason to be against his parents.

"I- I know. I didn't want to go against them though. It would disappoint them so much-"

"Their approval on things is nothing compared to your health, Harry." I said a bit too harshly, making Harry cringe away a bit. I took a deep breath, not wanting to become that angry person right now. "Have you ever had a panic attack?" I asked calmly, squeezing Harry's hand tightly.

"Um, I never-"

"Honestly, Harry. You can be honest with me. You know that." I said, lightly caresseing his cheek with my thumb. I cared so much for this boy, and I just needed to know.

"I don't want to hear you get angry." He confessed, knowing what that was like from experience, and I resented that he knew.

"A-are you scared of me?" I asked, my hand falling away from his cheek, but Harry's eyes widened as he quickly shook his head, grabbing my hand and holding it against his cheek again.

"No. No, Louis. I'm not. I promise. I just... we were having a good time, and I don't want to ruin it. I don't want you to get upset." He said.

"I won't. I promise. I just need to know. Have you ever had a panic attack?" I asked, though I think I already knew the answer to that question. It pissed me off, but I would hide it inside for Harry's sake.

"Yes." Harry breathed out. "I, um, went to the restroom during the party because I just felt so panicked and sounds were drifting in and out and sounding distant. My vision blurred and darkened a bit, but once I was alone I took deep breaths. I closed my eyes and sat there for, I don't even know how long, but I handled it. And I was fine after." He said.

We sat in silence for a while before I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. It must be a scary thing. But... but things are okay now, yeah?" I was trying to bring us back to a light tone eventhough I was beyond livid with his parents. "Now, what song is this?" I asked.

"This is Confident by Demi Lovato, and I love her. She's the queen. Shame it's almost over though. Ooh! Listen to her high notes!" He said, going over and turning the radio up a bit. I took a moment and actually listened, and Harry was actually right. It wasn't a bad song, and the vocals were amazing. It also gave a great message, unlike songs I've heard before.

The song ended and another one played, this one much slower and light. "Oh! I love this song!" Harry said, and I saw a small smile played on his lips as he gently sang along to the song.

"I don't need a hundred roses waiting by the front door. I don't need a fancy house in the hills. You can rope the moon and bring me all the stars in heaven. It won't change how I feel." He sang gently, and I looked up at him gently swaying to the song. The song was a love song, and eventhough I didn't plan on it, I found myself getting up and walking over to Harry.

I held my hand out, and he gave me a confused look. "Dance with me." I said. He blushed a bit, looking down at his feet as he gently took my hand. His hand felt soft in mine as I pulled him a bit away from the radio and began to rock us a bit to the tune of the music.

I spun Harry around during the chorus, making him laugh beautifully at the action. He looked beautiful as well. His curls flew around as he spun, his laugh making the small crinkles by his eyes come out. His dimples were showing, deeper than I've ever seen before as I spun him again.

We danced at arms length for a bit, both goofing around and bowing down as if we were at some fancy ball. I pulled him close again and spun us both in a circle, hearing him laugh again. This moment felt right. It felt magical.

I held him closer and rocked us gently as the song was coming to an end. I looked into his eyes, a fond smile on my face as he looked at me, his green eyes alight with pure happiness. My heart longed for him more than anything.

No words were said, not from our mouths, but the conversation we had by looking into each other's eyes was divine. He cared. He was happy. He felt safe and good when I was around. That's all I ever wanted. This boy... Harry was the only one I ever want to fall for.

The song came to an end, and I took a chance, pressing my lips to his forehead and letting them linger for a bit. I pulled away, seeing Harry's smile was a bit wider as he blushed and looked down at the ground.

Another song began to play, but we both ignored it, stuck in a trance together. Our hands were still together, but I wasn't ready to let go yet. I just wanted to hold him close and be close to him for a while longer. And Harry seemed to want the same thing as he rested his head on my shoulder and my arms wrapped around his waist as his went around my neck.

"Thank you." He whispered, a warmth spreading over me as he lightly kissed my shoulder. Right here, right now, everything felt right. It felt okay.

"You're welcome."


	16. You're in Control of My Heart

HARRY

I woke up with a smile on my face, feeling nothing but happiness for once. I didn't feel sick. I didn't feel broken. I didn't even feel hopeless. I felt nothing but pure joy. And I knew why. Louis.

The night I had with Louis was amazing. I felt alive as we were dancing. I felt safe and loved. I never wanted the feeling to go away in that moment. He was everything I needed to feel whole, and saying goodbye when he left hurt a bit, but I was still a smiling mess. It was funny how he was in complete control of my heart.

After he was gone, I laid in bed with that same song on repeat, closing my eyes and just smiling at the memory of us dancing. I haven't laughed so much in so long. That's what Louis brought out of me. True happiness.

I got out of bed, not even minding the fact that I had to go back to work today. It was nothing compared to the happiness Louis instilled in me. I could last the day out. Anything to get my parents off of my back.

I got dressed for the day, I never really dressed up all fancy because I was just in a room all day long, and went to the kitchen to get something to drink and eat. I ended up just getting some tea and eating an apple before walking out of the door.

I was a bit shocked and confuzzled when I saw Louis' car parked in my driveway. He lowered the window and smiled at me. "Need a ride?" He asked, and I smiled right back. I didn't necessarily need a ride, but I would accept the offer to spend more time with Louis.

I nodded and walked to the car, getting into the passenger's seat. "Thank you." I said, closing the door behind me and getting my belt on. "Good morning, by the way. Why are you up and out this early?" I asked, just feeling at ease as Louis pulled out of the driveway and began to drive down the street.

"I have work soon. Coffee shops open pretty early." He informed me, and I nodded. "Now, which way is your office?" He asked, and I remembered that Louis had no clue.

"Oh, sorry. Just turn when I tell you to." I said, and Louis nodded but laughed. I looked at him with my eyebrows knitted together. "What's so funny?" I questioned.

"Remember what we talked about last night?" He asked. I did. I remembered everything about last night because it made me feel like I was flying. It made me forget about everything negative in the world, in my life, and just focus on that moment of joy and warmth. "You don't have to always apologize, Harry."

"Right, sor- I mean, okay." I said, stopping myself as he looked at me with a pointed look. "It's gonna take some getting use to I suppose. I think it's more of a courtesy thing." I said, thinking aloud.

"I'd say I agree. You're too nice at times. I mean, I love that about you, but I-" He stopped speaking as he realized what he said, and I looked at him, feeling so full of hope. I wanted Louis to still love me. I needed it more than air.

"I, um, I think sometimes you could be less passive and more assertive." He finished, looking straight, eventhough we came to a stop light. I didn't know if he was regretting anything, but I sure hope he wasn't.

"I know. It's just not in my nature to be. I hate hurting others or letting them down. I guess I'm the basic definition of a people pleaser." I said with a shrug, acting like it was no big deal, but that part of me completely consumed my life.

"You don't have to be. Not with me. Tell me what you feel. Be honest with me. If something I do bothers you, annoys you, upsets you, just tell me. Complain to me about everything. Your parents, your job, your relationship, your bad cellphone service," He said, making me laugh and he smiled. I felt the tension around us ease out again. "Literally anything. Just be real."

I stared at Louis as he began driving again. He was being so nice to me, and I loved him so much. I smiled before leaning back in my seat and saying "Turn here, please."

He turned down the street and I continued giving him instructions on where to turn and where not to until we arrived at the building. "Wow." He said, looking up at the giant building, several glass windows above us.

"I guess." I said before opening the door. I was about to step out when Louis said "Have a nice day at work. It can't be too bad, and you can tough it out. I know you. You're stronger than you think, Haz." He said, and my heart soared at the use if the nickname again.

I couldn't help myself as I leaned in and pressed a kiss on Louis' cheek, smiling widely as he looked at me with wide eyes and a small blush coating his cheeks. "Um, what was that for?" He asked.

Because I love you so fucking much. "Thank you." I said, both of us smiling like idiots for a while until I remembered that we both had to get to work. "Bye Louis. See you later." I said, hoping that would be true.

"Definitely. You need someone to pick you up." He said with a smirk, and I laughed before getting out and closing the door, walking over to the front door of the building. I looked back at Louis once, seeing him wave and give me a thumbs up before I walked into the building.

"Harry!" I heard someone call. I turned and saw Lindy rushing towards me. I smiled politely, as she was the only one I could really tolerate here. "Thank goodness you're back. The place has been hectic for the whole two days. You would think grown men and women can take care of a few things. Load of bullocks." She said, making me laugh.

"It's nice to see you, too, Lindy. What've I missed?" I asked. She motioned for me to follow her, and I did, watching as everyone else saw me and immediately rushed back to their stations to work. I don't get why they were so intimidated. I was a nice guy.

"Your parents sent a layout for what they think the company in Australia should be like. It's on your desk for you to look over. They said you're very sightful in that area. Personally, I think they're making up work for everyone. We've also got a few calls from other companies wanting to set up deals. I took care of most of them, but I- oh! I haven't told you. Well, over the two days you were gone, Rebecca quit. I guess being your assistant was too much for her. She was buckling under pressure, I don't see why. I've stepped up to help." She finished.

"Thank you, Lindy. You're the one who should be in charge here, not me." I confessed. She seemed to like the job, and I resented it for everything it was.

"I know you don't like it here, Harry." She said, stopping once we were in my office. She turned to me and asked "Why don't you leave? Go do something you enjoy? It's quite upsetting to know you're not happy."

"My parents wouldn't like that." I said, shrugging it off and walking around my desk.

"Your parents are in Australia. They don't need to know anything for a while. Besides, shouldn't your happiness be first? There's no point in working at a job you resent." She said. "I could... I could cover for you. While they're in Australia. And maybe you could look around for something you actually enjoy doing." She offered. She was really a great friend, but I couldn't do that. Lie to my parents.

"I don't know, Lindy. You're kind to offer, but I don't want to lie." I said. I would be lying, saying I knew everything going on in the business when I really didn't.

"Well, think about it, yeah? You matter more to me than whatever the hell your parents think." She said, making me smile. That smile quickly grew, a blush coating my cheeks as she asked "Now, who was that hunk in the car you seem to like so much?"  
\------------------------------------------------------

LIAM

I got up rather early, looking down at Zayn. I gave a weak smile as I pressed a kiss to his cheek, watching him intake a breath at the action. "Zayn, babe, wake up." I said gently, running my hand up and down his arm.

"What?" He mumbled, lips barely moving and his eyes still closed. He wasn't a morning person- who is? I just wanted to spend a little time together before work. I worked mornings and he typically worked afternoon and nights, so it was a bit difficult to spend time together. He came hone exhausted last night and not much was done. We both just laid down and talked a bit before going to bed.

"I was thinking we could go out for breakfast before I have to go to work." I explained, holding him close, my head rested on top of his. He gave a tiny sigh and scooted closer to me.

"I don't want to get up." He groaned, and I laughed at him, wrapping both of my arms around him and holding him tight. "Can we just stay in bed a little longer?" He asked sleepily.

"Not really. I wish we could but I only have a limited amount of time if we are going to go out." I announced. I hated having to live life as if it were a schedule, but what else was I suppose to do? It was only right to get a job and help Zayn out on rent.

"I really just want to sleep." He groaned out, and I sighed. I know Zayn was sleepy, so was it selfish of me to feel upset with him right now? Was it selfish of me to want him to get up so we can have some time together?

I looked over at the clock, knowing I would have to get up soon anyway. "Fine. You can sleep." I said, removing myself from him and getting out of bed. Zayn sat up on his elbows and looked at me with concern.

"You're upset." He pointed out, and I was, but I didn't want to push this. I would let it go and hope we had time to eat dinner together tonight instead.

"I'm not. I just need to get ready for work." I said, walking over to the closet. I did manage to buy a few outfits, and Zayn had some of my old stuff, which I was glad for.

"No, you are. You're upset with me. I'm sorry, Liam. I know you want to spend time together, and I want that too, but I-" He said, sitting up all the way as I changed and stepped back out to him.

I walked over to the bed and stopped him from speaking by pressing a kiss to his lips, hearing him hum a bit before I pulled away. "I'm not upset. And you're tired. I know. It's okay, love. Maybe we can have dinner tonight, yeah?" I asked, pecking his lips again. I didn't want to fight with Zayn over this. It did hurt a bit, but I loved him, and with love you learn to let things go.

"Yeah. Okay." He said, blinking a bit at my attitude, but I just wasn't in the mood to really throw blame at anyone. It was far too early, and the last thing I want is a fight.

"Alright. I'm gonna go now. See you later. Love you." I said, pecking his lips one last time, hearing him say he loved me too, before turning away and walking out of our room.

I made my way into the living room, walking towards the front door. I grabbed my keys and put on my shoes before walking out of the door. The sky was a light purple shade, lilac or lavender. It would have been such a perfect day to eat out for breakfast, but I'll just skip. I really only wanted to go with Zayn.

I got into the car, one we managed to scrape enough money to buy, and began the drive to work. The whole ride there, I was constantly thinking about Zayn. He wasn't acting like himself much and we hardly spent time together anymore. I missed him so much, even if he lied down next to me at night.

What was he hiding from me? There must be something. He always pulled away when we kissed for more than a few seconds, he was always leaving and avoiding certain questions I would ask, and then the whole Harry thing. Did Harry say something else to him?

I sighed as I parked into the lot and got out, walking over to the garage that kept all of the moving trucks inside. I looked for the truck Niall and I were assigned and saw him closing the back of it up.

"Oh, fuck!" He yelled as he turned to see me. "You scared the hell out of me." He said, locking the back up and turning back to face me. "Get in. We have to leave as soon as possible." He said, walking around to the driver's side. I sighed before getting into the passenger's seat.

There was an awkward silence that lingered between us until Niall broke it. "Listen, I'm sorry about the whole accusation thing yesterday. I guess I just hate the fact that Harry's hiding something from me. I know he is." He said.

"It's okay. I get it." I let the silence fall again before I decided to speak up. "I... I feel like Zayn's hiding something from me, too. Like he has some secret he's hiding from me." I said, leaning against the window.

"Why would he hide anything from you? You two are so good together. What would he have to hide?" Niall asked, glancing over at me for a second before his eyes were back on the road.

"That's what I've been asking myself." I announced. "He just doesn't act the same anymore. Hell, he didn't even want to get up to go get some breakfast this morning. I understand he's tired, so I guess that's fine, but I just...." I trailed off, not wanting to voice what I was thinking out loud.

"Just what?" Niall pressed, turning to look at me as we stopped at a light. I shook my head and looked away, not wanting to say anything. I turned back when I felt Niall's hand on my thigh. "Hey, I may not be your friend or anyone close to you, but I may be feeling the same thing you are." He said.

I guess he was right. But it wasn't exactly the same. Zayn and I have been together way longer than Niall and Harry. And, as much as I felt bad thinking it, Zayn actually felt the same way about me that I did about him.

I finally gave in and said "Sometimes I just worry that... that maybe Zayn's falling out of love with me. Like he's not even interested anymore." I confessed, feeling like such a bad boyfriend for assuming that about Zayn. I couldn't help feeling lost and insecure in our relatinship though.

"Oh. Wow that's... wow." He said, seeming speechless at my confession, which I guess was understandable.

"Yeah." I said with a small, awkward laugh.

"I'm sure he still loves you." Niall said, looking back at me. "You two have been through so much together. Hell, he's even waited five years for you. That's dedication. That's love. Deep love. Why don't you just talk to him about it?" He asked.

"Oh, I've tried. I've asked him what was wrong, but he like evades the question. I don't know why he's acting this way. I just miss him. I just want to spend time with him." I said, feeling a lump in my throat. I loved Zayn so damn much, and I have no clue what I would do if he was falling out of love with me.

"Hey, he'll come around." Niall said, patting my back. "He'll realize that you're feeling neglected. He'll realize that he's hurt you in some way. Zayn is very observant. I'm sure he's not even doing this on purpose. And if he is, I'm sure there's a logical explanation behind it. Forget my accusations. Wasn't my best moment in time-"

"No kidding." I said, laughing a bit at that. Niall frowned for a second before continuing.

"As I was saying, forget anything I said. Zayn loves you, and only you. You two were probably meant to be together." He said. "Don't beat yourself up about this. Don't think too deep into it, okay?"

I sat quietly, thinking over Niall's words before nodding along. "Okay. Thanks, Niall. I guess you're not so bad after all." I said, making him laugh at that.

"Wow, thanks. I feel so honored." He joked before the light changed and he began to drive again. "Wait, did you just say you didn't have breakfast?" He asked.

"Yup. He didn't feel like it, so I just came straight to work. I'm not really that hungry though. I can go without breakfast." I said, my stomach automatically defying me and letting loose a growl.

"Maybe you can go without food, but your body's gonna hate you for it. We can make a quick stop at a drive-thru. I'll pay." He said, taking a turn near a fast food place.

"What? No, Niall, thank you, but I-"

"You are going to eat breakfast unless you want to nearly faint moving boxes in and out of houses all day." He said, giving me a pointed look as we waited in the line of cars.

"Fine. At least let me pay for it though." I said, knowing I didn't have much money yet, but I could make it up with hard work.

"No, I will. You barely started working, Liam. How could you possibly have much? Just let me do this, yeah? It'll be my apology for yelling at your boyfriend." He said, taking his wallet out with a shrug.

I thought about it before giving in, knowing he wouldn't let this go. "Fine. You can pay, but next time something like this goes down, I'm paying."

"Yes sir." He laughed out, turning to order for me. Maybe Niall wasn't such a bad guy after all.


	17. Baby, I Love You

HARRY

I walked out of the building and looked around the parking lot, unable to contain my smile as I saw Louis waiting in his car. I decided to have a little fun, so I snuck up quietly, crouching down so I couldn't be seen as easily.

To be honest, it probably wasn't the best look for someone with such a high position in this business, but I didn't want the job in the first place. Also, nobody was around to see me act childish.

I got to the car and then jumped up, banging on the passenger seat window. I laughed as Louis jumped hard, spilling some water out of the water bottle he had in his hand. He was in shock for two seconds before he looked up and saw me, making him laugh as I pulled the door open.

"Alright. Very funny, Haz. Now I have to clean up this spill." He said, stepping out of the car as water ran down his t-shirt and pants. I couldn't help but laugh as he tried to wipe it away only for it to leave a dark stain, making it look like he peed.

"Great, now it looks like I pissed myself." He said, gettinf back in the car. I did feel a little bad now, and I really didn't want Louis to hate me. I didn't want him to go back to not talking to me, to avoiding my very existence.

"Louis, I'm so sorry. I- I thought it would be funny, and-" I rambled, looking around to a napkin or anything to help him clean away the water.

"Harry." He said, calling to me, but I rambled out an apology and looked around the car. "Harry, look at me. Harry! Haz!" He called, and I stopped, shutting up and looking at him with regret in my eyes.

"It's fine. It was funny. It's just a little water. It'll dry up. And what did I say about apologizing so often?" He asked rhetorically, but I sighed and nodded. I leaned back and buckled my seatbelt on.

"What's wrong?" He asked, a look of concern crossing his features. He turned to towards me and gave me his full attention. I was scared to speak what I was thinking, but I knew Louis would press.

"I was just so stupid to do that. And terrified that you would be pissed at me. I always..." I trailed off, not wanting to make Louis upset, but he finished the rest, seeming to already know what I was thinking.

"You always prepare for me to yell, don't you? Just in case I loose my cool and turn back into that angry person?" He asked, and I gave a small nod, looking away in shame as tears built up in my eye. I didn't want to think so low of Louis, but his angry side truly terrified me. I was always afraid because I vould never predict when it will happen.

"Haz," Louis began, turning my face back towards him and wiping away the few tears that fell free from my eyes. I didn't want to cry, but I felt so bad for thinking so negatively.

"I'm s-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry." He said, firm yet gentle. I stopped speaking and looking into Louis' blue eyes. They were mesmerizing. I missed laying down and gazing into them. I missed thinking we had such an amazing love. I missed knowing those eyes would only show softness towards me. But how can I miss it when it's still true? Louis always showed me who he truly was, and here I was doubting him.

"Harry, you have every right to be afraid of me going back to that dark and angry place. I'm afraid, too. I'm afraid that those demons inside of me will take over again, but you know what keeps me fighting, keeping them at bay?" He asked, and I sniffled, feeling foolish for crying, but I shook my head.

"You." He simple stated, and my heart jumped in my chest. "Okay? You. You keep me fighting. Everytime I want to explode, I think of you. I remember how you tried coaxing me down, told me to try and not let the anger take over, and it helps. I think of your eyes, your smile, your voice. You, Harry." He whispered.

"I- I...." I trailed off, not knowing what to say, so I threw myself into Louis' arms, hugging him tight. He held me just as tightly, clutching onto me as if his life depended on it. I felt so warm and safe and so, so right in Louis' arms.

"Why does it make you feel better? Why does it take away the fear?" I whispered, afraid and anticipating the answer. Truth be told, I wanted him to still love me. I wanted to hear that he still loved me like I loved him.

"It doesn't stop the fear. I'm still terrified to lose myself, but it helps. It helps so much. Because it's you, and I lo-" He cut himself off and took a deep breath. My grip on him tightened, and he let the breath go.

"Because I care about you, Harry. You believed in me when no one else did, and you made me feel human. Not like a monster." He said. I was a bit disappointed that he didn't say what I had hoped, but it was enough. It was enough for now.

I pulled away, wiping my eyes as I said "Thank you. For caring." He gave me a small smile and nodded to me, buckling in his seatbelt and then starting the car.

"So, I was thinking. How about you and I go and get something to eat? It's midday, must be hungry. Maybe some lunch?" He asked, looking at the road as we drove onward.

I looked out the window, unable to stop a bit of heat rising to my cheeks. It just felt so much like being asked out on a date, and that was something that's never truly happened to me. Niall never asked me on a date, only to be his boyfriend, which I found completely insane, but it became routine over the years. When I was with Louis, we couldn't go out anywhere without the risk of being seen.

"Yeah, that'd be great. What did you have in mind?" I asked, never once looking over to Louis, but I did feel his eyes on my at one moment in time. It only made me blush worse.

"Well, there's this place near my job. It looks quite nice. Heard some of my co-workwrs talk about it. I heard the food is good, but we'll see, won't we?" He asked rhetorically.

"Sounds like a plan." I hummed, turning to finally look at him. He sent me a smile before looking back at the road. Everything felt so easy with Louis right now, even if I knew nothing really was.

I stared out of the window th rest of the drive, just watching other cars go by, people walking on the sidewalk, looking at the clouds, thinking about everything and everything. Thinking about how life would be so easy if I would have just taken Louis' offer to go home when I had the chance all those years ago. If Niall never got involved. If I would have spoken up to my parents. If I would have done anything smart.

"Hey," Louis' voice broke through my thoughts, and I looked over at him. "We're here. Come on." I looked forward and saw that we were parked right outside of a building. I got out of the car, walking over to where Louis was waiting, and smiled a bit as his hand wrapped around mine and led me forward.

We walked in and made our way over to a table, waiting a few seconds before a waitress came over. "Welcome, what may I get you to drink?" She asked politely, taking out a notepad to write on.

"Um, water's fine, thanks." I said, giving her an appreciative smile, and she nodded before looking over at Louis.

"Tea. Unsweetened please." He said, the girl doing the exact same actions before saying "I'll be right back with that." She turned and walked away, leaving Louis and I alone.

"So, what are you going to get?" He asked, looking through his own little menu as well. There was so much to choose from. I scannd my eyes over everything, looking for the cheapest things on the list before I said "Chicken alfredo sounds nice."

"It does actually. I think I'm getting that, too." He announced, closing his menu and setting it down in the middle of the table. I followed suit, and then the waitress was back, setting our drinks down and asking "Are you ready to order your food?"

"Uh, yes. May we please have two chicken alfredo dishes?" Louis requested, and she nodded before asking for anything else. I shook my head before Louis piped up again. "May we also have a slice of the chocolate fudge-filled cake?" She nodded again before taking the menus and leaving the table.

"Why did you order that?" I asked, wondering if Louis was just really hungry.

"For both of us. Think of it as... a celebratory cake. Seeing each other after five years. To our, um, friendship." He said, and I smiled a bit, but the word friendship make my heart ache a bit.

"Right. To our friendship." I mumbled back as our food came to the table. I smiled at the waitress before she left again, and Louis gave me a confused look as I immediately began eating in complete silence, avoiding facing him.

"Harry, are you okay?" He asked, reaching out for my hand, but I pulled it back, reaching for my drink instead.

"Never better." I responded. I just wish he knew how much I loved him. I wish he loved me, too. I wish I could just shout it out at him, but I couldn't. He wasn't mine, and I wasn't his. My heart hurt just thinking about it, but I still loved him. I'll probably always love him, even if he didn't truly love me. At least he cared, right? At least he cared.  
\------------------------------------------------------

ZAYN

I was sitting on the couch, watching a random show on TV. It turned out that business was a bit slow today, so they asked me to stay home. I didn't mind really. It meant that I could finally spend a night with Liam. The only thing is that Liam was suppose to be home two hours ago, and he was nowhere to be seen.

I sighed again as I checked my phone for any messages or missed calls to find none. There was nothing but an empty screen, showing my background of Liam and I. I just wanted him to at least text me that he was going to stay out a bit longer. I was honestly so worried about him.

What if something happened to him? What if he got hurt? What if he was so pissed at me that he decided not to come home? I needed Liam. I needed him with me, and it was scary to even have the thought.

I bit my lip nervously, hugging myself with both of my arms as I sat there on the couch, staring at my phone and hoping that Liam would call. I needed to know he was okay, that we were okay. My eyes filled with tears at the possibility of losing him.

He has to come home. Maybe I should have gotten out of bed morning to spend some time with him. Maybe I should have been a better boyfriend, but I'm suh a crappy one. I'm needy and weak and a liar. Liam deserved so much better.

My vision was blurry, but I gasped and grabbed my phone when I heard it ring. I answered it and quickly held it to my ear. "Liam! Are you okay!? Where are you?" I asked immediately.

"Um, Zayn, are you alright?" I heard Harry ask, and my heart fell a little. I loved talking to Harry, but I really need to hear from Liam.

"No, not really. I'm waiting for Liam to come home. It's been two and a half hours now. I'm just really worried about him. What if he hates me for the way I've been acting?" I freaked, feeling my breathing pick up a bit.

"Zayn. Z, calm down. Deep breaths." Harry said calmly, and I nodded frantically as I took deep breaths, letting them out slowly. "Okay, now listen to me. Everything's going to be okay. Liam is probably fine. He doesn't hate you, Zayn. He could never hate you. He loves you." He said.

I shook my head and said "But-"

"No, Zayn. Liam loves you. He's probably held up at work." He explained, and I guess that made sense. It's not like he can just spend all of his work time on the phone. That would easily get him fired. Still, I just wanted to hear from him.

"I guess you're right." I said, but the uneasiness was still eating away at me. "So, why did you call?" I asked.

"Nevermind. It can wait for another time. You just wait for Liam, okay?" He asked, but I wanted to try and get my mind off of Liam to help me stay calm, so I insisted.

"No, it's fine. Friends help friends no matter what's going on in their lives. Now, what happened?" I asked, expecting Harry to break down on me, but he didn't. He actually sounded... happy.

"Nothing much is really wrong. Not right now. Louis and I just ate lunch together. He's still inside paying while I'm in his car. Zayn, I love being around him, but it also hurts so damn much not to be able to call him mine. Or tell him that I love him." He divulged.

"That could all be fixed Harry. If you jusy told Niall how you really felt-"

"It would break him. It would hurt him so much, and I don't want to hurt him. Niall and I have been through a lot. He's my best friend." He said.

"Exactly. He is your best friend, but that's all he'll ever be, H. Hate to say it, but the only wau you can be happy is to make sure Niall knows that. You have to put yourself first for once." I said.

"I know. I know." He sighed before continuing on. "I was also thinking about... possibly telling my parents I quit." He said, and I sat up with wide eyes. This was a huge deal!

"What!? Harry, I'm so proud of you! You should! You'd be one step closet to actually being happy." I announced, almost standing up in my excitement for him.

"Yeah, but they'd be so disappointed. A part of me is terrified that they'll disown me." He confessed, and I knew it was a rational fear for him. His parents pushed the business on him so much until he finally gave in.

"They won't." I hoped. They have to love their son more than a business. What was a business? A building, a structure, money, and unfamiliar faces. Their son was blood, life, flesh, and love.

"I don't know. I'm still unsure. Um, I'm gonna go now. Had a long day today." He said, and I nodded, knowing what he meant.

"Okay, Harry. Bye." I said. He gave a small goodbye before I hung up the phone, hearing the front door open.

I jumped to my feet and walked quickly towards the door. "Li? Is that you?" I called. I got there and froze a bit in my spot. Liam and Niall were talking to each other, just purely laughing at whatever the hell they were talking about.

I waited patiently until they finished, Niall walking away and Liam closing the door and turning to see me standing there. "Oh, hey. Thought you'd be at work." He said, but I shook my head.

"They gave me the day off. Are you and Niall friends now?" I asked. Sure, in the house I was nice to Niall, but I didn't really know him. It was hard to be friends when you hardly knew the person. But it was probably good for Liam, considering the fact that they would have to work together.

"Uh, I guess you can call us that. We really only started talking today. He showed me a bit around town after work and we went to get some food before I came home." He said, walking by me, and now I was a bit disappointed.

"Oh. Okay. Well, I was just worried when you didn't call or anything." I said, wrapping my arms around myself as Liam only went to take his coat off and his shoes.

"Yeah, but I didn't think you'd be home. I thought you'd be working. We weren't gone for that long." He said as he walked into the living room.

"Not that long? You were gone for almost three hours, Liam? I was worried sick about you! I thought something happened to you or that you were mad at me!" I said, wanting to cry, but I didn't. I held it in.

"Zayn, babe, it's okay." He said, finally giving me his full attention as he saw the distraught look on my face. He walked towards me and pressed a kiss to my lips.

"I'm sorry I didn't call. I thought you were working, honestly. And sorry you were so worried. I'm not mad at you. I could never be. I love you." He said sweetly, but it made me want to break down even more.

"Yes you could." I whispered, almost panicking at the words. "Everyone gets mad over something. You were mad when I went to go check on Harry when he was si-"

"Please, don't bring that up. Please. It happened. I lost my cool, and I got mad, but I wasn't mad at you. It was more frustration. The fact that other people need you when I just want you to myself sometimes." He said, holding me close. My heart felt so full of love.

"Well, we have time together now." I said, pulling back and looking up at him. "We could make some dinner if you want. Watch some films on TV." I suggested, but Liam smiled as he lifted me up, pushing me against the wall and kissing my lips.

"I have a better idea for now." mumbled against my lips, and I smirked.

"I love you." I said, wishing he knew just how much.

"I love you, too."


	18. I Don't Have to Keep Imagining

LIAM

Last night was perfection. Zayn and I actually spent time together, and I enjoyed every minute of it. We made a nice dinner before watching a movie we found on TV. The night was wonderful, and we ended up making love a second time. Everything was perfect.

Before we went to bed, Zayn and I talked a bit. He promised to try and find more time to spend together, and I just hope he kept that promise. The whole night meant so much to me. I never wanted it to end.

Neither of us had work today, since it was Sunday, and I hoped we could just spend all day together as well. I didn't really fancy doing anything else besides staying by his side.

I was making coffee right now, having gotten up before Zayn. I was making us both a cup when I heard a bedroom door open and close. I turned to see Louis walking into the kitchen, looking really happy and content with life.

"I'm guessing hanging out with Harry isn't a bad time?" I commented, turning to him with an amused expression on my face. I was just waiting for the day when they both realize that they belong together no matter who or what came between them.

"It's incredible. He makes me so happy, and I think I'm making him happy. It's been so long since I've seen him smile, and it's just amazing. The way his eyes light up...." He trailed off in thought, a small smile on his face that made me smile. I was happy that they were growing closer again, but I was also nervous. What would happen with the whole Niall situation. Plus, Harry's parents would be livid if they found out Harry was interested in his kidnapper.

"That's great. I'm glad you two are on good terms, but are you sure you can handle being just friends?" I asked. The topic would have to be discussed some time, so why not now?

"Honestly... no. I never really wanted to be just friends, but it's all I can give him. I've hurt him once already, and I'd like to never be the cause of his pain again. It's the worse feeling in the world, and being his friend seems to make him happy enough." He said, looking down with a hurt smile on his face.

"Louis, you need to say that to Harry. I know you don't want to hurt him, but I know you won't. You made a mistake last time out of fear, tried to numb the pain you would feel if Harry got taken away, but that's not a possibility anymore. He's not a prisoner of any kind." I tried to convince him.

"But there are restraints, restrictions, and relationships that would be ruined." He said, looking back up at me. "His parents are a pain in the ass, and he really doesn't want to disappoint them. He's so caught up in being the perfect son, but they should already think he's perfect because he is! And then there's... Niall." He said, a bit in disgust. "He's terrified of hurting him. Besides, they barely started dating." He finished in a mumble.

"But Harry will see that he doesn't want to be in that relationship. And when he does, then you two can-" 

"Liam. Stop. Please." Louis said, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Okay. Sorry." I whispered out. "I just really want you two to be happy." I confessed. It was true. I wanted them to both see that they can still be happy and that their love is still there.

"I know. Thank you." He said, letting silence fall over us for a second before I noticed that the coffee was done. I poured it into to mugs as Louis asked "How are you and Zayn?"

"Good. Last night we spent some time together that was much needed. We don't have work today, and Zayn said he would try to spend more time with me. I hope he keeps that promise." I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

It was then that we heard footsteps down the hall, and Zayn walked in dressed in his work clothes. I raised an eyebrow and said "I thought you didn't have work today."

"I didn't, but they needed another person to come in for the breakfast and lunch shift, so I volunteered. I could use the money." He said, grabbing his keys from the table and getting his shoes on.

"Oh, okay. It was just that I thought we could go to the movies today. That Avengers movie is out. Thought we'd see it because you love superheroes." I said, feeling a bit disappointed that he volunteered for another shift even when he promised to make more free time to spend together. This was the opposite of making free time.

"That would be cool, but I already called and said I would do this. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow. Well, no we have work tomorrow. Um, Friday? Maybe. We'll see." He said, standing up from putting his shoes on and walking towards me. He kissed me quickly saying "I love you." before he waved to Louis and left to the front door.

"But maybe promises are meant to be broken." I whispered, but I know Louis heard me.

"Liam, I'm sorry. I know you only want to be around Zayn and spend time together because we always had a lot of free time back them, but just know that Zayn does love you." He said, making me look at him in shock. "I can read your expression. I know you feel unloved and unwanted, but you are the most important person in Zayn's life. Maybe he could show it better, but it's true. He loves you." He said.

I gave a small nod, and saw him smile before turning to walk away. "Where are you going?" I asked, sort of not wanting to be alone right now. But maybe that was better. I could think of a way to get Zayn to understand how I'm feeling.

"I was going to go see Harry, but if you need me to stay I will. You're my friend, too." He announced, but I wanted him to spend time with Harry. Even if he didn't admit it, I knew he was way more than just a friend. Even if he wanted to pretend they were just that, it wouldn't be enough. He even said that himself.

I smiled and shook my head. "No, it's fine. Go see Harry." I said, waving him away. He smiled and said bue before leaving and walking out of the door.

I sighed once I was by myself, thinking of a way I could make Zayn understand that I just feel so alone right now. Then, I got an idea for tonight. I smiled to myself before getting ready and going out to the store. I hoped this worked.  
\------------------------------------------------------

LOUIS

The whole drive to Harry's house made me feel excited. I loved seeing Harry, even if he would never know just how far that love went. I'll admit, it was getting harder to not just hold his hand and hold him close and kiss him, but I would fight those urges.

I went over to the door and knocked on it three times, waiting for an answer. I stood there for a while, listening in case I heard him coming, but I heard nothing. It was really concerning.

I knew he was up because I texted him before I drove all the way over here, and he said he was just eating breakfast. Knowing that fact made me feel so worried about him. Was he okay?

I got the spare key out of the garden box and shoved it into the keyhole, unlocking the door. I pushed it open and took a step inside when I heard Harry's voice. He sounded upset and on the verge of tears.

"Mum, please! I never said I was quitting, I just- I... I just need a break." He said before silence fell in the house, obviously his mum replying. I heard Harry sniffle, and it tugged at my heart to hear him cry.

"I'm not quitting! I just-" Harry got cut off before I heard him speak again in a defeated voice. "Yes. Yes, ma'am. I will. L-love you, too." He said. It was quiet for two seconds before I heard a band against the wall, probably Harry throwing his phone. Then, I heard him crying heavily.

I walked quickly into the living room, seeing him sitting against the wall and crying into his knees. My heart broke at the scene I found him in. I walked over to him and kneeled down beside him, touching his arm.

His head snapped up and he looked at me before crying more, throwing his arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. I held him close, rubbing his back and whispering encouraging words into his ear.

He cried for so long before he pulled out of the hug and looked at the floor. "Why are you here?" He asked gently, his voice still wavering a bit.

"I just wanted to come and see you. Spend time together." I said. Harry nodded a bit, wiping his eyes, and I frowned. "What happened?" I asked. I needed to know because I wanted to make it better. He only deserved happiness and to never cry.

"Nothing. I'm okay." He said, but I shook my head and lifted his chin up, making him look me in the eyes.

"It's not nothing. Something happened. You can tell me, Haz. Was it your mum?" I asked as I pulled him into a hug again. I felt his head move in a nod against my chest. "What did she say?" I whispered, feeling like speaking any louder would break him.

"She called me asking if I saw the plans for the branch in Australia, and I told her that I already approved them. She thanked me and was going to hang up when I told her that I wanted to leave the business for a little bit. I told her my assistant would take care of things while I was gone." He said, and I felt him shake a bit in my arms, so I held him tighter.

"She just... I don't know. She got mad. She started yelling at me, giving me this whole lecture about how she and my father built the business from their own hands, and having their only child just abandon it would be a shameful disgrace." He sniffled out. I just wanted to hold him close to me forever and never let him go. 

Harry was like a wounded bird. He was flying around with a bent wing, needing time to heal from the harsh winds all around it, but he was flying above water where no land could be seen. An ocean full of people were surrounding him, and I desperately wanted to be that small island that would shelter him.

"I tried to tell her that I wasn't trying to quit the job, even though heaven knows I want to." He said, giving a dry chuckle. "She wouldn't have that." He shook his head against my chest, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"She mentioned my dad. How proud he is of me. I'm his perfect son. Taking on the family business, giving in to his legacy, continuing his offering to the world. She said if I quit, all of that will fall to pieces." He hid his face against my chest, and I listened as he spoke, voice muffled by my t-shirt.

"I tried to say I wasn't quitting again, but she just said 'Do you even care about your father's feelings? If you quit, he loses everything he prepared for.' So she asked me. She asked me if I was going to stay doing this job. She asked me if I would make them proud. So I said yes." He admitted, and I gave out a small sigh. I wasn't upset with Harry or even disappointed, it just sucked that he felt so stuck in his situation.

I felt Harry's hands wrap tightly around my shirt in small fists. He was shaking heavily as his chest heaved, wracking the tears out of him. "I-I j-just wish I-I-I was e-enou-ugh." He cried out, barely able to even say the words.

I held him tightly, wrapping my arms around him and moving us so my back was against the wall, allowing me to hold Harry on my lap as he curled into me, his whole body shaking so badly. I just wanted to take it all away.

"You are enough, Harry. You're more than enough." I began, whispering the words into his ear as he clung to me. "If they don't see that, it's their loss. They have the best son in the whole wide world. They created the most amazing human being ever. You're everything, Haz."

Harry sobbed agaisnt my chest, shaking his head rapidly. "N-no, no I-I'm n-not. I'm n-no-thing. I can't d-do anything ri-ight. I can't m-make my parents happy. I c-can't help N-Niall. I'm basically a b-burden to Z-Zayn." He said.

"No, you're not. You do so much for everyone. You sacrifice your own happiness for other people. Your parents are the ones wrong here. Niall is looking for things he needs in the wrong places. And Zayn is your friend. He cares about you, Harry-"

"No!" He cried, trying to pull away from me, but I held on tightly as he fought a bit before giving up and continuing to cry into my chest. "I'm just an emotional wreck. That's all I am. I can't do anything right, and I can't make anyone happy."

"You're wrong." I said, shaking my head. "You make me happy." I whispered, but Harry began shaking his head rapidly, pulling out of my arms and losing it.

"THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!?" He yelled, looking at me with pleading eyes that were dripping out tears. It was a never-ending stream.

"Because I was scared to get hurt." I confessed, but I still got hurt. I hurt Harry, and that hurt me more than anything else could.

"But you didn't. I did." He said in a small voice, trying to wipe at his eyes. "And I hated you. I hated you, but I couldn't stop loving you still." He confessed. "And you hurt me so badly."

"I know. I know I did, and I regret that every single day." I said, trying to reach out to him again, but he pulled away and stood up.

"But you still did it. And you did it again and again. But I couldn't let you go. And sometimes I wish I could hate you. I wish I could just hate you so I could push you away! But I can't. And when you left me, when you ended us, I was so alone. I couldn't let it go." He said, and I scoffed at that, feeling tears forming in my eyes as well as I remembered all of what happened in that house.

"Bullshit." I croaked out, finally feeling a tear fall. Harry looked at me with hurt eyes, but I felt the same way right now. "You seemed to let go and move on just fine when you were fucking Niall!" I said, remembering how much pain I was in to even hear them. To hear Harry moan because of someone else.

"Do you have any idea how that felt!? I was in pain, too, Harry! Yes, I fucked up, and I ruined everything we had, but I did love you. I do love you, okay!? I lied to you, I hurt you, I left you, but you got your revenge. You broke my heart, too!" I cried.

"I never slept with Niall!" He yelled, walking right in front of me, and I froze in shock. "I was going to. Tried to fill the hole in my heart, but I heard you. I heard you breaking down in the other room, and all I could think about was you. It was only you, Louis. It is always going to be you." He said, walking right up to me and hitting me on my chest.

"You didn't... sleep with Niall?" I asked, needing to hear it again so I could believe it.

"No. You're the only one I've ever slept with. The only one I ever want to be with." He said quietly, looking me in the eyes. I never got tired of staring into his amazing green eyes. They were simply beautiful, even if he thought otherwise.

"But it's okay. Friends, right?" He asked, giving a weak smile while tears filled his eyes once more.

"Harry... I care about you-" I began, but he cut me off, looking down at the ground.

"Yeah, I know. You care about me. I get it." He said, probably thinking I meant in a friendly way, but I loved him. I loved him so much.

"No, Harry." I said, lifting his chin up so he was looking at me again. "I care about you. So much. So much more than I care about anybody else I've ever met. You made me feel normal. You made my anger disappear. And I just want you to be happy. I want to mend you. Take care of you. I'm not lying when I say you mean everything to me. Without you in my life, it's dull and painful. I know. I've spent five years feeling that pain." I said, watching Harry tear up more, his green eyes glossy from the tears.

"Only you make me happy." He whispered out, his voice shaking as he fought his tears back.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I've pushed Harry away for so long, and I've been craving his touch for years. I missed him, and now that I am by his side again, why was I just letting him go? Why was I letting the only person that has ever made me feel love and joy break down? Why wasn't I fighting for him?

I looked into his eyes once more before I trailed down to look at his lips. I needed Harry. Every single bone in my body was screaming to kiss him, to hold him, to love him. I couldn't stand not being able to. And I lost control.

I leaned in quickly, capturing his lips in mine, and I heard Harry gasp lightly against my lips. We both stayed there, not moving for a while until Harry began moving his lips. I moved mine as well, remembering the taste of him, getting back into the familiar rythm of kissing Harry.

It felt amazing. He tasted like strawberries, the salty taste of tears mixed in from how badly he was crying. His lips were smooth and full, exactly how I remembered them. Everything felt perfect.

His arms wrapped around my neck, and I clung onto his waist, loving the small curve of it in my hands. The kiss got messy as I backed Harry up against the wall, our mouths working against each other's at a rapid pace, both of us desperate and hungry for each other.

"I... I need you." Harry whispered out, a small moan leaving my mouth as he tugged at the ends of my hair, but I had to pull away.

Harry's eyes opened slowly, in shock that I pulled back. He looked hurt, but I pecked his lips and explained. "We can't." I said, still breathing rather heavily from snogging him.

"Why not?" Harry asked, looking at me with such a vulnerable look, but I wasn't trying to upset him.

"Harry, it's not that I don't want to because I know you're thinking that. And I want to. I want to more than anything, but we can't. You're still dating Niall. Kissing you wasn't suppose to happen. I didn't want to make you cheat on him. I'm sorry." I said.

"No. It's not your fault. Louis, please don't pull away. Don't push me away. Don't leave me again." He begged, his grip tightening on me.

"We can't go back to being friends after this, Harry. I love you, okay?" I said, hearing him breathe in deeply at those words. "Everytime I'm with you, I go insane just wanting to hold you and kiss you. I'm so in love with you."

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting to hear that." He said, resting his forehead against mine. We stood in silence before Harry spoke up. "I'll break up with Niall."

"What?" I asked, full of shock.

"I have to. Everyone else is right. I can't continue to lead him on. It isn't right." He said. "Besides, I love you."

"Harry, are you sure that this is what you want to do?" I asked, trying to pull back to look at him properly, but he held me close.

"Yes, just please don't leave me. Just... just hold me. Please?" He asked, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Okay. Thank you." I said. "I love you so much." I repeated, pressing a kiss to his head. It felt so nice to admit it again.

"I know. I love you, too."

And I just hoped everything worked out because I needed Harry. There was no going back now.


	19. But I Get Nothing At All

LIAM

I smiled at the table setting, glad that I finally got it just right. The white, lace table cloth looked so elegant underneath the satin place mats. The white rose in the center of the table was unique and beautiful to me, just like Zayn. There were a few flower petals scattered around the floor and table, and two candles were lit, emitting a lavender smell. It was perfect.

"I really hope Zayn likes this." I mumbled, adjusting a few things and checking the music player to make sure it was hooked up right. I was going to play romantic music, have us our dinner, then I would set a hot bath for Zayn. I already placed flowers and everything up in the restroom. I just wanted him to still love me.

I don't know why I felt like I had to prove myself, but I did. If Zayn didn't want to spend too much time around me, then I must be doing something wrong. I just had no clue what that was. Was I too boring? Not romantic enough? Shit! What if I was too clingy? This would only make him want to stay away more!

"Fuck!" I whispered out, about to take everything down when I heard the front door open and close. I sighed, hoping for the best, before turning around and waiting until Zayn walked into the entryway.

I felt nervous, but I had no idea why. I should feel like Zayn loved me, but I couldn't. He barely looked at me now. Even when we spent last night together, he seemed... distant. Like he was thinking about every move he made. Something even felt a bit off in the bedroom. Was I not... good in bed anymore?

I cut off all my thoughts as Zayn walked into the room. "Liam, I'm ho- oh!" He said, cutting himself off at the sight and looking around the room.

I saw his eyes travel to every little detail, seeing a small, beautiful smile grace his features. It made me smile as he looked back at me. "Do you like it?" I asked, so full of hope that he did.

"I love it. How long did all this take you?" He asked, walking over to me, and I wrapped my arms around him. Every time we touched, I still felt those same things. The heat rushing through me and the sparks that littered my skin. Did he feel it, too?

"Not too long. I was just really worried you wouldn't like it." I confessed, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Well, you had nothing to worry about. This is amazing, Liam! How did you even get all of this stuff? Please tell me you didn't spend all this money on me." He said, looking at the place mats and rose petals everywhere.

"Well, I got the flowers from a little flower shop down the street. I didn't know it was there, but I was trying to go to the store to get the table cloth and the place mats." I said, pointing everything out to Zayn as he hummed and kissed my cheek.

"And the music player?" He asked. I was a bit unsure about telling him where I got that from because I knew he probably wouldn't like it.

"Oh, I borrowed it from Niall." I said before feeling Zayn tense up in my arms. I thought he would react something like this, but it really wasn't a bit deal. Besides, Zayn's the one who said it was probably good we were friends.

"N-Niall?" He stuttered out, pulling away from me and walking over to the music player. He messed around with it for a second, and I was glad for that. I didn't know what he even wanted me to say.

"Yes. I told him I wanted to do something special for you, and I asked if he had something I could hook my phone or something to, to play music. It's really not a big deal, babe." I said, walking over to him.

"Not a big deal? Liam, I'm glad you two are friends and all, but I find it a bit hard to believe that he would want to help you do anything for me after the way he accused me of having some type of affair or some shit with Harry. Besides, I thought this would be a whole thing where you two are only friends at work or something." He groaned out.

"Hey, I didn't expect to be his friend, it just happened. We were both stressed about similar things and it got us talking. And when he found out I didn't eat breakfast, we got some, which allowed us to joke around a bit, and-"

"You guys ate out together?" He asked in a baffled tone, setting down the music player and turning to me. I didn't understand why it was a big deal. It was only breakfast, nothing romantic or fancy like I was trying to do for him.

"Um... not really. It was more drive-thru. That's not important. What's important is us, and I just want tonight to be about us. I love you, babe." I said, walking over to him and cupping his chin in my hand before I kissed him.

He pulled away and sighed. "I know. You're right. I'm sorry. It was just a bit of a stressful day at work." He explained, as I rubbed his neck a bit, trying to ease his stress and tension.

"I'm sorry about that. But your surprise after dinner should fix that right up." I said, walking Zayn over to his chair and pulling it out for him. He sat down, offering a small thank you. I kissed his cheek before walking around and grabbing the two plates of food I had waiting for us. I placed one down in front of Zayn, the other in front of me.

"I hope you like it. Didn't really know how to make it. Had to look it all up." I confessed, seeing Zayn look at his plate. I decided to make salt-and-pepper chicken with spring quinoa pilaf as the main dish, and for desert I made oreo stuffed chocolate chip cookies, which confused me at first, but I managed.

I watched as Zayn cut off a piece of chicken and ate it. I was pretty nervous. I knew that I usually cooked food, and I even cooked when we all lived in that same house, but now I was worried Zayn wouldn't like it. Maybe it wasn't good enough to show him how much he meant to me.

"Liam, this is amazing!" He said, making me finally let out the breath I was holding in. "I swear, you're lying when you said you needed to look things up for help." He said, smiling at me before taking another bite.

I relaxed a bit and began eating my food as well. "So, what was so stressful about work?" I asked, wanting to be his ear to talk to. I knew Zayn tended to hold things in, so if he needed a venting system, I would gladly listen to every word. I never got tired of his voice.

"The usual. Rude customers that claimed I got their orders wrong. One couple even asked for the manager just to get a discount on the whole meal. It was a nightmare." He said, rubbing his temple. "But on the bright side, we got a new worker today. I had to train her a bit. She's nice, but she can also be sassy. She actually reminds me of...." He trailed off, looking down and letting his fork lay on the edge of his plate.

"Of who? What's wrong, love?" I asked, seeing his upset look on his face. I didn't even understand what was going on. One minute he was fine, ranting and talking about work, and now he seemed distant again. I just wanted Zayn to be able to tell me anything.

"Of, um, m-my sister." He said, and now I understood. His sister was his whole world, and I knew the memories were just rushing back to him. Zayn blamed himself, but there was nothing he could have done to stop it.

"Zayn, I know. I know this is hard for you, but maybe talking more about her would actually help a bit. Let it all out, and-"

"I can't." He said, his voice sounding hoarse from emotions building up inside of him. "It's not right. Not after...." He trailed off again, a sob coming from him as he hid his face in his hands.

"After her death?" I asked quietly, seeing Zayn's head snap up at me, a pained and angry look on his face. "Zayn," I sighed out, "there was nothing you could have done to stop what happened."

"Yes, there was. I should have never left her side. I should have been there. I should have been the one that happened to instead. It should have been me, not her!" He said, and I stood up, walking over to him. I tried reaching out to him, but he stood up and backed away.

"Don't touch me. I don't deserve it." He said, sounding guilty. Why would he be guilty? He didn't do anything wrong. He was just stuck mourning his sister, and I understood how hard it must be for him to let go, but he had to eventually. I wanted to help him do that.

"Zayn, you deserve to be held. You deserve to have someone here for you to love and hold you when you're feeling this way." I said softly, going over to him, but he shook his head.

"No, I don't. I'm a bad person." He said. "I'm a fucked up person." I hated when he spoke of himself that way. Zayn usually didn't have any problems, but this one was such a burden on him. I wanted to relieve him of that, take the weight off of his shoulders.

"No, you're not-"

"You don't know that!" He shouted, but I tried not to take offense. His emotions were just too strong right now. He didn't mean it. He couldn't mean it.

"Yes, I do! I know that because I know you. I know you better than anybody else, and I know you're not a bad person. You always try your best to help everyone and stay strong, but it's not your job to do that. I love you, Zayn, and I just want you to lean on me when you need to. I want you to not be afraid to tell me things when you need to." I divulged.

"I can't tell you everything. Some things I can't." He said, looking me right in the eyes, making me feel even more distant from him, even more curious as to what he was hiding.

"I'm going to bed." He said, turning around and walking away, but I walked after him.

"Zayn, you can't just walk away when you have a problem!" I said, grabbing his arms and pulling him back.

"Liam, stop! Please just let me go! I don't want to be here right now." He said, trying to rip his arm free from my hold, but I didn't want to let him go. I wanted him to cry to me. I wanted to help him when he broke down so I could pick the pieces back up.

"Fine. We'll leave the dinner behind, but I'm going to bed with you-"

"No! I mean, I don't want to be around you!" He said, and that stung. I physically cringed back at his words, feeling like he just slapped me with his words.

"W-why?" I asked quietly, feeling so much pain. "I-I feel like I'm losing you, Zayn. And I'm trying so hard to hold on and keep you here. I set this all up, borrowed the music player from Niall, set up a whole bath for you-"

"Then maybe you should invite your new friend, Niall over and leave me alone!" He spoke out in a cold tone, ripping his arm free and stomping down the hallway. I jumped a bit as I heard the bedroom door slam.

I felt so numb and lost. I turned back, looking at the dinner I set up for us, all for nothing. It just felt like I was worthless to Zayn. Like maybe he didn't need or want me, and that was the worse feeling in the world.

I took the plates, throwing them in the sink and hearing the glass shatter. I pinched out the flames on the candles, feeling the burn on my skin, but I didn't care. Nothing was worse than what I was feeling inside.

I ripped off the table cloth, watching the place mats and glasses fly onto the ground as I gave out a yell, feeling hot tears spill down my cheeks. I haven't truly cried in a long time. I haven't felt so worthless and unloved in a long time. Since the abuse I went through when I was younger.

I cried heavily, feeling like my world was slipping out from my fingertips. Zayn was so distant, and I didn't know how to reel him back in. I didn't know how to show him I needed him. I didn't know how to make him love me. Because I can't. You can't force someone to love you or to stay. And I knew that.

I gripped at my hair and pounded my fist on the table, feeling the slight sting from the impact. "Fuck!" I yelled. If he didn't want to be around me, I wouldn't force him to.

I pulled out my phone, dialing Louis' number. He picked up and I immediately spoke. "Can I talk to Harry? Please?" I asked, and then I heard Harry's voice.

"Liam? What happened? Is Zayn okay?" He asked, sounding a bit panicked and worried. "What did he tell you?" He asked, and that confused me a bit, before I just told him why I was calling.

"Nothing. He won't tell me anything. He won't speak to me or look at me or even stay in the same room. I'm losing him, and I don't know what to do!" I paused for a second, trying to collect myself. "Can I stay at your place tonight?" I finally asked.

"It's that bad?" He asked, and I gave a small hum before he agreed. "Of course. And Liam?" I hummed again, not really feeling like speaking. "It'll be okay."

"I hope." I mumbled out before hanging up and getting ready to leave.  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

"Is he okay?" Louis asked as I walked back into the room. Liam arrived a while ago and I led him to Zayn's old room, not telling him that's what it was. He didn't need any reminders right now of Zayn. Still, I wanted to know what Zayn did or said to make him so upset.

"I don't know. For now maybe. I've never seen Liam that way. Have you?" I asked, going over to sit on the edge of my bed beside Louis.

"Only once. Only when I first found him. He was so bruised up and bloody. It was awful. It took a while to figure out what happened to him. I thought he was jumped or mugged or something, but it was his dad. He tried to protect his mum, but that made it worse for him. Sad thing is, his mum didn't really care." Louis said, thinking back on it.

"Wow. It must have been so hard for him to even open up to Zayn. I don't even know what happened, but I just hope they both fix this. Their relationship can't end this way." I said, thinking of how at peace and how happy they were with each other.

"It won't. I know it won't. They have been through too much to just give up on each other. I'll talk to Zayn, see what's going on. We'll fix this. They'll be alright. I promise." Louis said, looking me right in the eyes as he squeezed my hand reassuringly.

I was hesitant to accept the promise because promises can be broken, but I nodded anyway, deciding to trust Louis. I loved him after all, and with love came trust. "Okay. I believe you." I said, not looking away from his eyes. It has been so long since I've got to stare into them and see so many emotions wash through them.

"Can you kiss me?" I asked quietly. I knew Louis was hesitant on it, wanting to wait until I broke things off with Niall tomorrow, but he eventually nodded, leaning in and pressing his lips to mine.

I let out a small sigh, enjoying the feeling of his lips on mine. It felt like a dream to be here, getting to kiss Louis again. Our lips fit together so right, and I just craved him so much. I never wanted to let him go.

I crawled over and straddled his lap, moaning out slightly as I felt his hands on my thighs. "I love you, Louis." I said, breaking the kiss, panting as I tried to catch my breath again.

"I love you, too. I just want you to be mine again. I always want you to be mine." He said, his fingers trailing up my chest until they reached the necklace that was dangling around my neck. He wrapped his fingers around it, looking up into my eyes and giving me a small smile.

I was in complete awe at Louis. He was just so beautiful, and this all felt so surreal. Being able to hear those words leave his lips again was like heaven on Earth. And I knew that Zayn and Liam could make it through because Louis and I could. We could because we had one thing in common. We would do anything for the one we loved.

"I will be." I promised before kissing him again. I just wanted everything to be okay again.


	20. Love Me or Leave Me

HARRY

"You can do this, Harry. You can do this. Just knock, break up, then leave things on a good note." I told myself quietly, pacing back and forth in front of Niall's front door. I was a worried and nervous wreck.

I have never broken up with someone before, but I have been broken up with, and I knew it hurt like hell. Especially when you loved the person. It leaves you upset and just wishing you could have done anything to make them hang on and love you back.

Niall was my best friend, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him, but I knew I had to do this. I had to do it to be with Louis, and I had to do the right thing. It was wrong to be in this relationship when I was in love with someone else. It was leading Niall on- the one thing I swore I would never do. I was probably the worst best friend in the world.

I worked up the courage and stood in front of his door. I raised my fist and gave three quick knocks before waiting silently. I played with my fingers as a waited, a nervous habit that I have always had.

Niall answered the door with tears running down his cheeks. I was instantly worried. Even if I was here to cut things off with him, I still wanted him to be okay. "Shit, Harry." He whispered before closing the door. I waited patiently, worry building up in me as I had no clue what to do.

The door opened again and his eyes were dry and a bright smile played on his face. There were no signs that he was crying except for his red-rimmed eyes and the smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Hello, love. Why are you here?" He asked, trying to sound happy, but I noticed the waver in his voice and frowned.

"Niall, what's wrong? Why were you crying?" I asked. I couldn't think of any reason why he would be crying, but I know I didn't like that he was.

"Nothing, Harry. I wasn't crying. I'm fine. Why are you here so early, love?" He asked again, clearly trying to avoid the topic, but I wasn't going to let him get away with that. I was going to figure out what was wrong like a best friend should.

"No, Niall. You're not changing the subject. Tell me what's wrong. Now." I ordered, knowing I would have to be a bit harsh with him to get him to open up. Niall wasn't one to talk about his problems much, except for if it came to his feelings for me. It even took him forever to tell me why he sometimes went to school a bit hungry and couldn't afford to go on certain school field trips.

"Okay, okay. You should come in." He said, sounding a bit scared to say anything at all. I would go inside, but I felt like he would hate me after I told him we needed to break up, so I shook my head, about to say it wasn't a good idea, but he wouldn't let me.

"Harry, please come inside." He said, and I nodded. I stepped into his home, a rather small house, but it was decorated exactly how I knew Niall would arrange it. I just knew Niall, and this felt like a place he belonged.

"What's wrong?" I asked gently as he closed the door. He turned to me and motioned for me to sit on the couch. I walked over and sat down, watching as he sat beside me. We sat in silence before I heard a sob escape Niall's mouth. I immediately became concerned and pulled him into a hug.

"My mum is sick!" He cried, wrapping his arms around me so tightly as he shook from crying. I was shocked at the news. I saw her not long ago, and she looked fine to me. She was smiling and joking at the dinner. How could that change so quickly?

"B-but at the dinner she looked fine. Perfectly healthy." I said, not understanding what was wrong with her. How could she fall ill so quickly? And it must be bad if Niall was acting this way towards it. It must be more than a measly cold.

"The illness doesn't show until the treatments start. They started a bit before last week. We didn't know until a month or so ago. They found it a little late, but they said there is still hope with the treatments. Harry," He said, pulling out of my arms and looking up at me. "My mum has breast cancer."

I couldn't believe it. Maura was always like a second mum to me. She was always there when I was younger when my mum wasn't. She would take care of me when my parents went on business trips, and she always made me feel safe and happy. She was such a lively person. How could this have happened to her?

"I- I'm so sorry, Niall. I never thought this would happen." I said, pulling him into another hug. I couldn't break up with him. Not after knowing this. Not today anyway. It would be too much for him. I can only imagine if it was my mum that was going through this. As much as I felt like I didn't know my mum anymore, I would still be torn apart.

"I-I'm just s-so scared." He said, and I felt so bad. I came here to break up with him, and I still wanted to, but he didn't know that. It felt wrong to be the one comforting him.

"I know. It'll be okay. She's a fighter." I said, kissing his head.

"I love you, Harry." He whimpered out, and I gave out a sigh, feeling so guilty at not being able to say it back. I didn't feel the same, and I never would.

"I know." I murmured. That was all I could offer. I couldn't say it. I couldn't even pretend to because it would kill me to trick him into thinking that I did. It would hurt him worst of all.

"Y-you don't love me, do you?" He asked. I sat quietly, just holding him in my arms. I didn't know how to answer, didn't know what his reaction would be to a yes or a no.

He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "H-Harry, I know I'm not Louis, but I love you. I love you so much, and I always have. Louis isn't here. I am. I just... fuck! I need you, Harry." He cried, making my heart hurt so badly right now.

I was caught between two decisions. End things now, tell Niall I didn't love him, and then leave. Or I could stay. I could stay and give him false hope that I could learn to love him. It would only be temporary. I just didn't want to hurt him even more right now.

"I know. I'm not leaving you, Niall." I said. He gave a small smile, pecking my lips as he thanked me and laid his head on my chest again, a few tears still spilling from his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling my own eyes tear up.

I hated how life and emotions were always against me. I just wanted Louis, but I couldn't break up with Niall. Not right now. I was trapped... like always.  
\------------------------------------------------------

LIAM

I woke up in a room that wasn't my own, and I was so confused. I didn't know why I was here, or whose room it was, but then it all came flooding back. The fight I had with Zayn, and I realized that I fell asleep at Harry's house after crying into my pillow half the night.

There was a knock on the door, and I looked over as Louis walked in. Did he spend the night here? "Hey, how are you doing?" He asked, walking over to me with some breakfast in his hands. He set it down before sitting on the bed and giving me a worried look.

"I've been better." I said, trying to offer a small smile, but I couldn't even bring myself to fake it. Unlike everyone else, I was never good at hiding my true emotions.

"Liam, what happened?" Louis asked. I have never really opened up to him about anything because I honestly use to be terrified of Louis. Before Harry came around, he was all anger, and it reminded me a lot of my father.

"Zayn just flipped. I don't know. He won't talk to me. He won't tell me what's wrong, and I hate that he's holding back. He said he didn't want to be around me. I just don't want this to end us." I said truthfully. It was my worst fear.

"It won't. Look, we can both go back to Zayn today, and we can make him sit down and talk. He can't run away from both of us." He offered, but I shook my head. If I was going to get Zayn to open up, I wanted it to be his decision to trust me.

"Thank you, Louis. But if I'm going to do this, I have to do it alone." I said. "I think I should go. It's been a whole night. I'm hoping Zayn will at least try to talk to me now. He has to miss me as much as I miss him, right?" I asked, not even knowing why, but I guess I needed the reassuring.

"Of course." Louis said, nodding as I got out of bed and got ready to leave. Louis and I walked out to the hall and made our way to the front door. "Good luck, Liam. I hope it all works out."

"Me, too. See you later, Louis." I said before leaving the house. I was nervous and fearful on the drive back to Zayn's house. Sure, the hours we spent apart affected me, but I had no idea if it was the same for Zayn. My hope was that he wouldn't be upset with me anymore, that he would just talk to me, tell me what was wrong.

I parked into the driveway, seeing that Zayn's car was still parked in the driveway, meaning he was still home. I don't know if he had work today, but I know he would do anything to avoid the conversation if he had to get to work.

I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself, before opening them again and getting out of the car. I closed the door and pressed the lock button on my key chain, walking towards the front door. I put my key in the door and opened it up, noticing how quiet it was inside.

I shut the door behind me and locked it, setting my keys down and looked around the living room and kitchen for Zayn. Everything was just so quiet, which could only mean he wasn't up yet. Or that he wasn't home. But his car was here? Unless he got a ride from someone.

I walked to our room and prayed he was inside. I opened the door slowly and quietly, peeking in and seeing his familiar black hair peaking out from under the sheets. I let out a small sigh before walking into the room, keeping quiet.

I walked to the bed, unsure of what to do next, but I decided to sit on the edge next to Zayn. I reached out and touched his shoulder as I called his name. "Zayn. It's time to wake up." I said, but I heard him automatically respond, telling me he was awake. He was just laying there.

"You left." He said in a soft voice. His voice cracked a bit, and I regretted the decision to leave, but we were both way too emotional to be around each other last night. It was better to be apart than together where we could say even more to hurt each other.

"I know. And I'm sorry, but you said you didn't want to be around me." I pointed out, but that seemed to be the complete wrong thing to say because Zayn sat up in bed and moved to the other side, getting out of my reach.

"So you left? Without even fucking tell me? And where did you go? Did you visit your good friend, Niall?" He asked, venom dripping in his tone, and I sighed, standing up from the bed.

"I went to Harry's." I said, raising my eyebrow in confusion as Zayn visibly tensed and looked away, but I let it slide. "Zayn, I came back hoping that we could just talk and be alright. That can't happen unless you trust me enough to let me know what's going on in your mind." I stated.

"Nothing is going on!" He protested. I was so disappointed that he was still refusing to open up to me, and I was so lost at what to do next.

"Then why did you just go and completely shut down on me last night?" I asked, tugging at my hair. "There is a reason, Zayn. You just stopped talking and started arguing like you didn't want to let me in, and you still don't want to. I'm so lost because I have no idea what to do to get you to open up. I just want to help you!" I practically begged.

"Maybe I don't want your fucking help!" Zayn shouted, and I shut my mouth, holding back all of my emotions. "You're always pushing me to tell you something when there's nothing to tell, and even if there was, it's in the past where it belongs. Are you just trying to ruin everything? Because you keep insisting on things and it's getting fucking annoying!" He said, throwing off the blanket and getting out of bed.

"I'm worried about you, Zayn! Why can't you see that!? You stopped responding normally to me after you mentioned your sister, and I-"

"Don't fucking talk about my sister!" He yelled, pointing his finger at me as he walked towards me quickly. "No one can talk about her." He said, and I groaned in frustration.

"That's not the point, Zayn!" I said, and he scoffed, turning to walk away from me. I grabbed his arms and turned him around to face me, pinning him against the wall so he had no escape. "I love you. I love you so fucking much that it literally feels like I am getting torn apart. I love you with every inch of my being, and it's killing me to feel like I'm losing you. I really, really don't want to lose you. That's the worse thing that I would ever have to go through." I said, looking him in the eyes and pouring out all of my emotions.

He frowned a bit before looking unaffected by my words. "Yeah, that's why you go out and eat with other people, leave me after a petty fight and spend the night somewhere else. You're really showing how much you love me." He said.

"Really? Two things, Zayn. That's two things compared to the numerous amount of things I've taken from you! You left on multiple occasions to go to Harry when all I wanted to do was spend time with you. You yell at me to stay out of your business when all I really want to do is help you not be in pain. You break away from my kisses as if you can't stand my lips on yours. I know there is something you're holding back, but you can't even tell me what is it! You can't even look me in the eyes!" I said, watching as he turned and looked away.

His eyes snapped back to mine, and I continued. "You got upset when you thought I was questioning our relationship, but now I really am, and it feels like you don't give a shit! Everyone else has a piece of you, and it just feels like there's nothing left for me! You're everything I ever wanted, and everything I will ever want, and you don't even realize how much pain I'm in."

"What do you want from me, Liam!?" He yelled, breaking out of my hold and pushing on my chest. "Huh? What the fuck do you want!?"

"To feel loved!" I yelled, tears pooling out of my eyes. I didn't want to fight with Zayn. I never did. This wasn't the reason why I came back home. I came back to fix things, not make them fall apart even more.

It fell silent as I backed away from Zayn a bit, wiping at my eyes as he just stared at me. I couldn't read his expression, but I saw what looked like sorrow and regret. For what? Hurting me? "Liam, I-"

"I'm not blaming you. I hope you know that. I'm not blaming any of this on you. I just wish you would trust me and love me. It feels like you're falling out of love with me, and that hurts worse than any physical pain." I said.

"I didn't mean to make all of this happen...." He mumbled, trailing off, and I sighed before swallowing the lump in my throat and asking the only question that truly mattered to me right now.

"Do you still love me, Zayn?" I asked. There was no point in trying to fight for this relationship if he said no. There was no point in staying here, fighting, yelling, begging, and crying if he said no. I would leave for him if he said no. I just need to know.

"Li-"

"Please just answer. Nothing else matters. I just need to know this. If you don't, we can end this here. I can leave, and we can break up and-"

"No! I don't want that." He said, walking over to me and holding my face in his hands. "Liam, I love you. I love you so much, babe." He said sincerely, and I felt a bit of relief fall upon me.

"I love you, too." I said, pulling him in for a kiss. Maybe we weren't exactly strong and whole right now, but we loved each other. I would get Zayn to open up- to tell me what was on his mind. But I had to be patient. Love was patient. I guess it had to be during times like this.


	21. Keep Holding On

LOUIS

I was pacing around Harry's living room, waiting for him to get back from Niall's. I had nothing to do but feel the anticipation after Liam left. I just wanted Harry to be mine, and I knew it was a bit selfish, but he said he wanted that, too.

He promised he would break up with Niall today, and I was hoping he would. I know Harry gets scared of hurting others, but I wanted him happy one step at a time. That included dating who he wanted, doing the job he wanted to do, and showing his parents that he is even more perfect than they think he is. He just had to stand up to his parents.

I heard the front door open and close, and I ran to the front door, seeing him walk in and close it behind him. He saw me and gave me a small smile, to which I took as a good sign. I was just so happy!

I ran up to him and pulled him into a hug, lifting him up and spinning him around. I pressed a kiss to his lips and smiled, just loving how good this felt. I pulled away and set him down as I asked "How did it go? What did he say?"

Harry looked at me for a few seconds before his eyes drifted to look at the ground and that's when I noticed that his smile wasn't one of happiness, but sadness. "Harry... Haz, what happened? Did he react badly?" I asked, wanting him to be okay.

"About that, I...." He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes looked everywhere bit at me. Why was he acting so weird? What went wrong?

I grabbed his face and made him look at me. I was just really concerned right now. I knew Harry didn't want to hurt Niall, and I was worried that's what happened. Maybe I should have listened to myself and just left them alone. Maybe I should have just disappeared from Harry's life.

I stopped thinking about that. I had those options, but I chose not to listen to them, and that must be for a reason. I looked at Harry and stroked his cheek. "Hey, it's okay. Just tell me what happened. Did he take it hard?" I asked gently.

"Louis, I-I didn't... I didn't break up with Niall." He said, and I froze. I didn't know what to feel or how to react to that. All I could think about was why not? Was there something holding him back? Did he realize he did have feelings for Niall? Did he... Did he not want to be with me?

"Please say something." He begged, and I shook my head as I stepped away from him. "Louis, before you assume things, can I just-" I cut him off as he tried to reach out to me.

"Can you just give me moment?" I asked, seeing him nod before I turned away from him and shut my eyes, trying to figure out anything to make sense of this situation. He said he wanted to be with me, too, but what if he changed his mind? What if he saw just how much of a disappointment I was? Shit. I knew I should have stayed away from him. I knew it.

"I have to go." I said, grabbing my jumper before walking past Harry and towards the door, but I felt him grab me and turn me to face him. He looked just as miserable as I did.

"Please don't leave." He said, his hold on my arm tightening a bit, but it didn't hurt.

"But... you don't want to be with me." I hated feeling this. I hated feeling insecure and weak. That was something I hardly showed when I was around Harry, but what else was I suppose to feel and think about right now.

"Yes I do, Louis! I only want you." He said, pulling me closer to him. I felt so weak when I was standing near him. I always just wanted to reach out and hold him and give him anything his heart desired.

"Then why?" I asked because that was all that was on my mind. "Why wouldn't you break up with Niall? You said you would. Maybe you're having second thoughts?" I suggested, looking away from him. I was acting like a hurt child, but that's how I got when I felt like I wasn't enough. It was my only defense. That and bluffing- lieing to myself.

"I was going to, but he was crying when I got there. He's still my friend, and I had to find out what was making him so upset. He told me something that I thought I would never hear. Louis, his mum has cancer. I just couldn't break up with him after hearing that." He said, and I was shocked.

His mum had cancer? That was something big to worry about. I can only imagine if that was my mum. I already missed my mum enough as it is, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. It all happened to fast, but imagine slowly watching your mum go through pain to her grave. It was awful to even think about.

"So that's it?" I breathed out, knowing Harry would never hurt him after finding this out. He was too good of a person. "You're not ever going to break up with him." I said aloud, but it was more to make myself realize that.

"No, I will." Harry said, completely surprising me. He stepped even closer to me and held my hand. "I will. I just need some time. He needs time to gain strength through this. I can't hurt him even more right now. But I do want to be with you, Louis." He said.

"So we wait? For weeks, months, years?" I asked, not knowing if I could even wait another day. "I've waited five years, Harry. I don't want to wait any longer. It hurts so much to wait. But I will. I will because it's you, and you're worth waiting for." I said, making my decision.

"That's the thing," He said, looking at me in the eyes. I was prepared to tell me he didn't want me to wait, or he didn't need me to. If that was what he was going to say, then I would walk away. Like I always did, but he surprised me again. "I don't want to wait any longer."

He leaned in and smashed our lips together. It was wrong. So wrong to cheat on someone, but I couldn't say no to Harry. It was almost impossible now that he was in reach. I knew in my head that this was so wrong, but it felt nothing but right.

I kissed back with everything I had. All the longing, desperation, need, want, love. Everything I had in me, all those stirring emotions. It was all so much. It's been building up for so long.

"Please, Louis." Harry whispered, breathing out against my lips. I felt so weak, but I couldn't. Not now. It just wasn't the right moment, and it would feel so wrong.

"Harry, not now. Not after what we just talked about. It wouldn't be right." I said, pulling away to look him in the eyes, but his eyes were locked on my lips as he bit his own. I know he was probably very sexually frustrated, and I knew the feeling, but I wanted to do it right.

"I know. I'm sor- I mean, I just want you so much. I miss you so much." He said, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me back into another kiss. His lips were already addictive, hooking me in again. He made me want to so badly, but I had to hold onto the little bit of strength I did have.

"Harry," I said, trying to talk to him as he desperately grabbed onto me, pulling me closer and kissing me with passion. "Haz, baby." I whispered out, getting his attention. "I want you, too. Every inch of my body screams out for you." I said, emphasizing my point by pressing my hips against his, showing him that he got me hard.

He gave out a low moan and tried bucking his hips up, but I held his waist, stopping him. "But we have to wait. I want to do it the right way. You and me. Nothing in between us. Nothing to worry about or feel guilty for or to think about." I said. "I want to make love to you being able to call you mine." I finished.

Harry nodded slowly, taking it all in. "Okay. I get it. We can wait. But, Louis," He called, and I hummed out, watching as his eyes intensified, and he looked at me, so many emotions on his face. "I don't know how long I can hold back." He said, and, truth be told, I didn't know either.  
\------------------------------------------------------

NIALL

I hated the fact that Harry managed to coax out that secret about my mum from me. I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want to tell anyone, but all he had to do was look at me, his beautiful green eyes dimmed in concern. That was all, and I would tell him anything, do anything for him.

"Good morning, Mr. Horan. How are you today?" The nurse asked as I walked over to my mum's hospital room. She just got her chemo today, and I was really just worried on how it would effect her. Apparently it could also make the patient feel tired, in pain, and very sick.

"I'm okay. Um, are we allowed inside of the room yet?" I asked her, hoping that I could go in. She looked through the window, making hand motions to the doctor, I guess, and then turned back to me with a small smile.

"You may." She stepped aside as I approached the door, and then she said "Your mum is very strong. I hope this can help her." She said, and I nodded, thanking her before I walked into the room.

There were two people in the room, both of them nurses. They were packing up some equipment, but I ignored them as I made my way to my mum's side. Her eyes were closed, and she was probably very tired. I didn't want to wake her up if she was going to sleep, so I just sat down in the chair, shrugging off my coat and hanging it on the chair.

I watched as the two nurses began to leave. One of them looked back at me and informed me that the doctor would come in a bit to check on how she was handling everything, and I nodded, thanking her quietly. She gave me a sympathetic smile before leaving with the other nurse.

That was one thing I hated about all of this. The sympathy. All of it was so unnecessary. I didn't like feeling how other people looked at me. It was like I was a helpless puppy that they just wanted to help, but I didn't want that. I didn't want them to see me as someone so small and breakable. I wanted to be able to do something to help my mum.

I looked over at her in the hospital bed, looking a bit pale, and I hated seeing her this way. She was so strong, and I knew she would do everything she could to fight this away, but she couldn't do it all alone. Even the strongest people needed someone sometimes. She taught me that.

I felt tears spill down my cheeks as I held her hand in mine, shaking slightly from the reality that I was living in. A part of myself was wishing that it was me in the hospital bed instead, but I knew my mum would hate the idea of that. She'd tell me that it would be worse for her to see me laying there instead.

I rested my head on her bed, sobbing into the sheets. I didn't want to feel so weak right now, but I just didn't know what to do. I didn't even know how to help her through this all, and I know my dad would be here, too, but even with him by my side I felt hopeless.

I sat up quickly as I heard the door open. I wiped my eyes quickly before looking to see a doctor walk into the room. All I saw was his black hair before he turned to me. It surprised me how young he looked, but I guess if he graduated from a medical school that he must know his stuff. Besides, I had to trust him to help my mum.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Rhys. I assume you're Mrs. Horan's son?" He asked, holding his hand out for me to shake. He looked at me with kind and caring grey eyes, and I nodded, shaking his hand.

"I'm Niall. Um, no offense, but aren't you a bit too young?" I asked. Whenever I pictured a doctor, they were all older- thirty, maybe fourty, years old.

He gave a small chuckle and shrugged. "I graduated high school early and went into medical school. I'm twenty-five, which may seem young to some people, but I'm going to go ahead and guess I'm older than you are." He said, a small glint in his eye.

I only nodded before looking back at my mum. "Is she going to be okay?" I asked, feeling the fear lump in my throat. He walked over to her, checking the machines hooked up to her and looking at her charts.

"She seems to be handling the chemo well for now, but this is the first dosage, and as we continue on there will be side-effects and some patients even get to a point where the chemo stops working for them. Your mum's case was caught a little late, but she still has a chance." He said, sounding completely professional.

"She still has a chance." I whispered to myself, squeezing her hand a bit as I repeated the words. It was all I had that could reassure me right now. "How much of a chance?" I asked, not wanting to look up in fear of just bursting out in tears.

"Hard to tell right now. We have to see exactly how the chemo affects her and how her body reacts to it. For now, I'll say that we're fifty-fifty." He finished, and I hated those odds. I wanted her chance of survival to be higher than something on-the-fence.

I let out a shaky breath as I held my mum's hand up to my forehead, just needing to know that she was here right now. She was still alive, but I was so scared. I just wanted her to be okay. I have no idea what I would do without my mum.

"Hey," I heard Dr. Rhys say, and I looked up at him as he put his hand on my shoulder lightly. "It's okay to be afraid, Niall. It's hard to see someone you love go through this, but I promise that I will do everything I can to help your mum get through this." He said, looking me in the eyes, and I trusted him. I didn't really have a choice, but I did trust him.

"Thank you, Dr. Rhys." I whispered out. I wasn't able to speak any louder without my voice breaking. It just made me feel vulnerable to know that he could just see how I felt without me saying a word about it.

"You can call me Erik if you'd like. My first name." He said, offering me a warm smile, and I nodded, not responding. "Are you the only child?" He asked me as he pulled up a chair from against the wall and sat across from me.

"Yeah. Yes, but my dad should be here soon. He had to work first." I said, wishing my dad was here right now. He was being much stronger than I was through this while situation, but I could tell this was eating him up inside.

"Well then you're very brave for coming alone. I'm sure your mum would be proud. The most important thing about this while process is probably the support from loved ones." He said, still speaking gently.

"I guess." I said, rubbing my thumb against my mum's hand. Maybe I could be here for my mum, but it still felt like I wasn't really doing anything but sitting around. It just wasn't enough for me. There had to be more.

"I know you want to help her, Niall, but you need to know that you are." Erik said. I looked at him in confusion, and he continued. "You're giving her something to fight for, which is what she needs. I can already tell she's a fighter, and I can see why." He said, looking at where I was holding my mum's hand tightly in both of mine.

I followed his eyes, loosening my grip a little before looking back at him. I looked him in the eyes, wondering how he knew the things I was feeling so well. I wouldn't admit it aloud, or to myself really, but I was thankful he was trying to help me. Maybe it was his job, but still.

We sat there in silence until the door opened, my dad stepping into the room. "Hey, Nialler. Sorry, I came as fast as I could." He said, making me smile a bit as he used the nickname he gave me as a kid.

"Hey, dad. It's okay. Um, this is Dr. Rhys." I said, motioning to him as he stood from the chair and went to shake my dad's hand. My dad introduced himself before asking a few questions and getting complete professional answers.

"I already promised your son that my team and I will do anything in our power to assure your wife's health." He said in a strong and promising voice. My dad gave out a thank you as he shook his hand again.

Erik turned to leave the room, but he stopped and looked back at me. "Oh, and Niall," He called, getting my attention. "Stay strong."

I nodded again, admiring his smile before he turned and left the room. And I would try my absolute best to stay strong. Not for myself or my dad, but for my mum.


	22. If My Body Had A Say

HARRY

I woke up, feeling warm and happy. I looked up, seeing Louis' sleeping face. He was absolutely mesmerising, especially in the bright glow of the morning light. The light just seemed to glow at all the right angled, making his tan skin look so radiant.

I felt breathless just staring at Louis, but my attention was soon pulled away as I heard my phone ring. I sighed, knowing that no one but my mum ever called this early. I really wasn't in the mood to talk to her though. She would only bring me down, and I didn't want Louis to see me cry again.

I grabbed my phone, slowly slipping out of Louis' hold, and made my way out of the room and into the hallway so I wouldn't wake him with my talking. I looked at the caller ID and was surprised it was my dad calling instead.

I answered the phone, curious as to what he had to say. "Hello?" I asked, a bit nervous and hesitant. Crap, what if my mum told him about me wanting to take a break from the business? What if he was calling just to yell at me for it?

I wasn't ready for this conversation. I wasn't ready for my dad to tell me how disappointed he was in me. I wasn't ready for both if my parents to turn away from me and deny me as their son due to how much if a failure I was. I wasn't ready for any of it.

"Harry, your mother talked to me about something yesterday. She says that you told her you wanted to take a break from the business. Is this true?" He asked, not sounding disappointed yet. Then again, his voice was pretty monotone, and I knew he was speaking to me as if he was making a business proposal with any other company. This was his professional voice.

"Um, y-yes sir. I would like to take a break to try and find a passion other than this in my life." I said, which was partly a lie. I did want to find something I was passionate about, but I definitely wasn't passionate about this business. "Lindy said she would cover for me while I'm on the break." I quickly added, knowing my dad knew Lindy, and my parents had some ounce of respect for her. After all, she was a hard worker.

"Harry, calm down." He said, and I noticed the shift in his tone. He was speaking to me as an actual father. A typical dad who cared more about their child than some business they ran. It was a tone I haven't heard in quite a while, and it made me feel a bit emotional.

"I'm not upset." He said, and that completely took me by surprise. I expected him to lecture me about how important my commitment to the business was if we all wanted it to succeed and stuff, but this was exactly the opposite.

"Y-you're not?" I stuttered out in shock. If it was mum, I was sure she would be. She would be demanding I go to work right now, add extra days to my schedule, and make sure I basically lived there. Just like they did at times.

"No, of course not. It's perfectly understandable that you'd want to discover new things. You've always been a curious boy. You always had an interest in learning about new things. It made you so excited. I'm not surprised it followed you into adulthood." He said, and I did remember how happy I would be after learning something cool and new.

"I'm not going to lie, when I first got into this business, I wasn't sure about it. I also strayed away for a while, tried my hand at a few different fields, hobbies, jobs, but none of it felt as right as this. A part of me thinks you're just going through the same thing." He said, but I wasn't too sure on that.

My father actually liked the company. He enjoyed working at it and managing it, but I would rather do anything else. I was more into helping people, not managing them and declining to help them if it was 'unsuitable for the business'. It wasn't me.

"Yeah, maybe." I said, wanting this conversation to end already so that I wouldn't scream out how wrong he was. I wanted to find something I enjoyed so I could leave this job and never, ever come back to it again. Lindy would make a better manager than me anyway.

"I was just calling to tell you that I'm perfectly fine with you taking a break. As long as someone is in control and you have contact with that person every now and then, it's perfectly fine. I'm not trying to keep you hostage, son." He said, and I felt so happy.

"Thank you, dad. Thank you so much!" I gushed out, hearing him laugh a bit and accepting my thanks. We shared 'I love you's' and 'goodbyes' before we both hung up. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from shouting with joy. I just felt so free! Even if I really wasn't yet.

I walked back into the room and saw Louis still asleep on the bed. This rush running through me as too much, and I wanted to release some of it. I needed to get some of these emotions off of my chest.

I set my phone down on the bedside table before climbing onto the bed and carefully straddling Louis waist. I bent down, pressing my hands into the mattress to keep me above him, and then I leaned in, capturing his sweet lips in mine.

I kissed him for a while, waiting until I felt his eyes flutter open and his lips move against mine. I smiled as a smirk found its way onto his lips, clearly showing how much he enjoyed this as well. Now it was time to get brave.

I left his lips, trailing kisses down his jawline, sucking lightly in some places but not leaving any marks- just teasing him. I began to trail my lips down his neck when I finally heard him let out a moan. Exactly what I wanted.

"H-Harry... shit, babe, what are you doing?" He asked in his morning voice, which I always found to be really hot. I continued kissing down his throat, knowing I was succeeding in my plan when I felt Louis growing hard underneath me.

I moved back up to his lips, kissing him hotly as I began to grind my hips down, feeling his hard on press against my bum. It felt amazing! The feeling was so foreign to me now, but there was still the same desire to have Louis inside of me. Oh how bad I wanted him again.

"Fuck, Harry..." He moaned out, breaking the kiss and throwing his head back. I knew he was feeling the same pleasure I was. I know he didn't want to have sex yet, so this would have to do for now. Still, it was driving me crazy.

I had Louis hard underneath me, and there was nothing I could do but grind down against his member. I felt his size through his boxers, desperately wanting him. This was all so much but not enough at the same time.

"Feels so fucking good." Louis groaned, his hands moving to grip onto my waist. I grinded down a bit harder, whimpering at how badly I just wanted him inside of me. I wanted him to be fucking up into me. I wanted to ride him to my heart's content. I wanted to feel the slight burn against my walls and feel the drag of him in me. I wanted him to fill me up to the brim, giving me all he had to offer, but I couldn't. I could only grind down harshly.

I heard Louis swallow thickly before he spoke in a blissed out tone. "Fuck, yeah. Keep doing that, love." He said, and I moaned as he bucked his hips up as I grinded mine down. It felt so good, and I felt my body begin to over heat.

I gasped as Louis flipped us over, laying between my legs as he thrusted against me. I gripped onto his shoulders as he continued, making me a whimpering mess as he kissed up my throat and licked around my ear.

"You have no idea how badly I want to fuck you. I want to make you a mess under me, see you cum all over yourself. I want to fuck you until you scream my name out for the world to hear. Want you to beg for more even when you can't take anymore. I want you to ride me, taking what you want and claiming it as yours. I want you so bad, Harry." He whispered out, his hips never stopping their thrusts.

I was a whimpering mess beneath him, wishing we could go further, but Louis wouldn't go for it. Not while I belonged to someone else.

"No," He said, resting his head against my shoulder as he spoke some more, his thrusts slowing down, but it still drove me crazy. He was taking his time, letting me feel his length rub against me slowly- allowing me to feel every inch of him.

"No. I want to make love to you." He spoke in a huskier voice. "Want to push into you slowly, feeling your tight heat around me. I want you to feel every inch of me, all of it for you. I want to make you squirm and whimper and moan. I want to hit that special spot that'll make you see stars. I want to feel you clench around me as you cum, yelling out my name. I want you to be mine." He moaned out, and then I felt him twitch against me, cumming all in his boxers. I wasn't far behind. It was all too much for me- Louis's words.

We both laid there, panting and looking each other in the eyes. "I am yours." I breathed out, knowing that even if I wasn't by status, I was in my heart. Louis was the only one who I ever loved, and I still loved him with everything I had.

"I want you to always be mine." He said, a small smile gracing his features before he kissed me gently. This was what I wanted, but I knew we both had to be patient.  
\------------------------------------------------------

ZAYN

I woke up in Liam's arms. I could tell he was awake because his breathing wasn't in that slow and steady pattern that came along with sleep. Normally, I would smile up at him and peck his lips, telling him how much I loved him, but today was different. I was terrified to move after what happened between us.

I didn't know how he would react. I didn't want him to ask me question after question. Not today. I didn't want it all to lead into another fight because I hated fighting with Liam. It absolutely gutted me to fight with him, but it's all we have been doing. Truth be told, I only fought with him as my defense. I didn't want him to know what happened. Not now, not ever.

"I know you're awake." Liam said softly, and I tensed up a bit as I pulled out of his arms and turned away from him on the bed. I heard him give a small sigh before I felt him turn to me and wrap his arm around my waist. He pulled me back until my back was pressed to his chest.

"What happened to us?" Liam sighed out, and I shrank back into him a bit. I didn't want to have the conversation. I really didn't, but Liam was always so insistent.

"We were so happy, Zayn. We can't be that way again unless you tell me what's wrong. Was it something that Harry said to you?" He asked, and I only shook my head, wishing I could bury myself underneath all the pillows and block out his interrogation.

"Was it about... your sister?" He asked cautiously, and I struggled in his hold, but Liam only held me tighter. "Calm down, love. I know it's hard to talk about her, but I need to know if this is because of-"

"It's not." I rushed out, swallowing thickly. Anytime my sister was mentioned, I always wanted to shut down. Talking about her always brought back all of the memories, and I absolutely hated reliving them.

"So, if it's not because of any of that, it's because of me." He said, sounding saddened by that. His hold on me loosened up, and my heart ached for him. How could he possibly think he did anything wrong? But I already knew the answer. Because I made him think that way.

I pushed him away. I was the one who was picking all the fights, and I was the one hiding things from him. I made him feel insecure and unloved, but all I wanted to do was keep our relationship going. I would be devastated if Liam ever left me, but I was pushing him to.

I turned around in Liam's arms and saw how hurt he looked. His eyes were looking down towards the bed sheets, and I watched as his lips were set in a firm line. He was trying to hold back emotions, but I could see through it all. Liam was like an open book to me.

"Li, do you really think you did something wrong?" I asked gently, knowing that he was feeling fragile right now. I trailed my fingers up and down his arm, seeing the way he shivered under my touch.

"That's the only thing it could be. It's all that's left. And I don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry, Zayn. I love you so much, and I just want you to love me, too." He said, his voice sounding close to complete sobs.

My heart clenched at his pain, but I shook my head and held him close. "Liam, you didn't do anything. It's not you. There's just a lot on my mind right now, and I wish I could tell you, but I can't. You have to trust me." I said.

I felt Liam sigh and nod against my chest. He was so fragile and insecure right now, and I remember him saying that he just wanted to be loved. I had to make him feel loved.

I rolled us over so Liam was underneath me and began to kiss along his neck. My hands rubbed along the bare skin of his sides, and then I trailed kisses down his chest, to his waist, kissing and licking at his v-line, before trailing them back up.

"Z-Zayn." I heard him moan out, and it made goosebumps form along my skin. Liam sounded amazing, and I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted to worship every single inch of his body, showering him in kisses and love. I pulled his boxers down and off, seeing all of him in front of me.

"I'm sorry for making you feel so unloved." I said as I was face to face with Liam again, seeing the lust and love in his eyes. "I love you so much, Liam. Can I make love to you?" I asked, knowing it's been a while since Liam has bottomed.

"Please," he breathed out, pulling me back in for a kiss. I moved my hand to the drawer beside us, searching around before I finally felt what I was looking for. I grabbed it before closing the drawer and pulling out of the kiss.

"I need to prep you, love." I said, and he nodded, watching me uncap the lube before spreading some onto my fingers. I threw the tube aside before looking back down at Liam. He was honestly so sinfully beautiful. His brown eyes that were usually so caring and full of logic were now hazed over with lust.

I took in every single feature as I slid one of my fingers into his hole, feeling his warm tightness. He gave out a small moan, and I began to pump my finger in and out of him. The thought of being inside of him again was honestly driving me insane. It has been a while, and I was getting eager, but I had to focus on Liam, not myself.

I began to kiss his chest and stomach again, giving him small praises and words of love as I went along. "You mean so much to me, Li. I love every little thing about you. I love how I can make you feel." I mumbled out as I added in another finger, hearing Liam give out small pants of breath.

"I love how caring you are. How you give so much and expect nothing in return. I love how you always worry about me. How you always want to see me smile, and I want the same for you. I love you so much." I said, and I felt Liam pushing back against my fingers, which were now three deep.

"Please, Zayn. I'm ready." He whispered. I nodded, pulling my fingers out and rubbing lube over myself before lining my member up at his entrance. I looked him in the eyes, our lips close to each others but not touching, as I slowly pushed into him, letting him feel it all.

Pants of breath left Liam's mouth as his eyebrows creased down and his mouth fell open in silence. I heard him finally let out a long and low moan as I bottomed out, and the pleasure of being inside of Liam again was wonderful. He was tight, so very tight, and I found the feeling incredible.

"You can move." He choked out, and I nodded, slowly moving in and out of Liam, making sure to tell him that I loved him over and over again. I wanted to give him everything- this amazing boy that I loved who, for some reason, loved me back. I wanted to take everything I ever did wrong back. I wanted to love him and never let him go.

My thrusts became more frantic as I heard Liam yell my name out in ecstasy. I held onto his thighs as I thrusted in deeper and faster, wanting to give Liam his release. I knew he wasn't far away as he was whining and moaning continuous strings of 'more' and 'fuck' and 'Zayn'.

Finally, he came with a soft moan of my name, his head buried in my neck, and I came as I felt him tighten around me, the feeling being far too much. I pulled out of Liam, hearing him whimper before he kissed my lips.

"I love you, Zayn."

"I love you, too, Liam. I always will."


	23. You Make Me Strong

NIALL

"How're you feeling, mum?" I asked as I made my way over to the chair by her hospital bed. I laid my jacket over the side before giving her a kiss on the cheek and sitting in the chair, taking her hand in mine.

"Oh, I'm fine, Niall. Your dad came by this morning before work. Left me those flowers." She said with a small smile, pointing over to some yellow poppies that were on the window sill. I knew that my mum absolutely adored them, and I found it quite romantic that my dad would do that.

"They light up the room, don't you think?" She asked, and I knew what she meant. The whole room was a boring grey and white, stainless steel and a black TV screen. Wires and buttons and such. It was all so gloomy, but the flowers felt alive. They really did stand out among the rest of the room.

"They do. They're absolutely lovely." I said, admiring them for a while longer before turning back to my mum. "Are you okay here? Are you being treated well?" I asked. I was always naturally worried about my mum growing up, but now she was always on my mind.

"I'm fine. Don't you worry about me. I'm hanging in here, and everyone is lovely. How are you? Are you happy, Niall?" She asked, sitting up a bit more as she looked at me with her kind, motherly eyes.

"I'm okay. I, uh, I told Harry about you. I hope that's okay." I said, not wanting her to get upset if she didn't want other people to know about it, but she shook her head and said it was fine, so I continued. "Yeah, he sort of got it out of me. He came to visit me, and he kept pressing, asking me what was wrong. Then he held me, and things felt a little better." I said, smiling at the memory.

My mum smiled as well and squeezed my hand in hers. "That's wonderful, Niall! Harry cares about you a lot. You two grew up together. The best friends I have ever seen! And now you're together. I can tell you love him a lot, Niall." She said, pointing out my feelings for Harry.

I nodded sheepishly and said "I do. I really do. He makes me so happy, mum. He helps me forget my troubles, but sometimes I..." I trailed off a bit, unsure if I should confess what I was about to, to my mum. I didn't even realize I thought this way or felt this way, but it was eating me up inside.

"What is it, Niall?" My mum asked, looking at me in slight confusion, and I opened my mouth, about to speak, but I stopped as the door opened and Dr. Rhys- er, Erik, came into the room.

"Good morning, Maura. How are you feeling today?" He asked her, smiling kindly as he checked a few things on her charts. I shut my mouth and waited patiently as my mum gave a reply.

"I'm feeling wonderful. Especially now that my amazing son is here." She said, squeezing my hand again and sending me a small smile, making me laugh a bit.

"So you do laugh?" Erik asked, and I nodded a bit. "Well, Maura, it seems that you are reacting quite wonderfully and normally to the chemotherapy. We will be scheduling another dose soon, so we will tell you a day or two in advance. You may be unhooked to take a shower if you want?" He said, questioning her.

"Oh, that would be lovely. I probably smell like a crime." She said, but I shook my head. "You smell fine mum. Just like those flowers dad got you." I watched as she smiled at me, and I watched Erik press the call button, getting a nurse to come into the room.

"Mrs. Horan would like to shower. May you unhook her and help her out of bed and assist her in the restroom?" He asked politely and the nurse nodded, smiling over at my mum as she began to remove wires from her body and stuff.

I watched as they both walked over to the restroom and the door shut behind them. I looked over at Erik as he set down my mum's chart after his eyes scanned over it again. He was turning to leave, but I stopped him.

"Is the chemo really helping her?" I asked, needing to know the truth. Yes, maybe I did have a tiny bit of trust issues, but I needed to be one hundred percent sure that my mum was okay.

"Yes, Niall. She's reacting really well to it, but, um... there are a few side-effects to it that I should inform you and your father about." He said, walking over to stand in front of me.

"If you mean the hair loss thing, we already know about that. I think everyone does with all these movies and what not." I said, making him laugh a bit as he pulled up a chair again.

"Hair loss is a major side-effect that happens to many cancer patients, but there are other side-effects as well." He stated, and that got me a bit worried. I didn't want anything bad to happen to my mum, but side-effects meant it was working, right?

He could probably see the terrified look in my eyes because he rested a hand on my shoulder and said "It'll be okay, Niall. Your mum has a lot of hope, and she's one of the strongest patients I have ever had so far." He announced, and I felt a bit calm with his hand reassuring me.

"What are the side-effects?" I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know or not. Still, it was too late to take the question back because he started listing them out.

"Most patients experience fatigue, pain, mouth and throat sores only effect the patient if the diet or oral hygiene is off, sometimes there's diarrhea or constipation, nausea and vomiting, appetite loss, hair loss, inability to focus or think clearly, nervous system damage, and blood disorders will be checked for very often." He said, and I felt nauseous just thinking about all of that.

"Blood disorders?" I questioned. It honestly seemed like the most dangerous one on the list. It made me feel even more worried, but Erik spoke in a calm and professional voice.

"Some patients experience a blood disorder because the chemo effects the blood cells. If they have too little, there could be a problem, but we have ways to assist and stabilize. You don't have to worry too much, Niall. We can handle it." He said, but I was still a bit worried.

"You say not to worry, but she's my mum-"

"And I'm the doctor." He interrupted, a reassuring smile on his face. Truth be told, I liked his smile. "I know what I'm doing. Remember, I'm young, but I'm not exactly dumb." He said, winking at me, and I quickly looked away, wanting my mum to come back out here to ease this slight tension I was feeling.

"What about the pain?" I asked, remembering that side-effect. "Would it be severe?"

"It's nothing we can't handle. A lot of people feel pain, but usually a few pain killers will do the trick. If it's anything worse than that, we can handle it as well." He said, standing up from the chair.

"Where are you going?" I asked, but then I remembered that he was a doctor. He wasn't just bound to one patient.

"I have another patient a few rooms down. Nasty accident she went through. Wish I could stay and talk longer, but I have no doubt we'll be seeing each other a lot." He said, and I knew that would be true because I was going to visit my mum as often as possible.

"Probably." I said, seeing him smile brightly at me. I stared at him for a while before he turned and walked over to the door.

"See you around, Niall." He called, nodding his head before walking out and closing the door. I only found it weird how excited I was for the next time.  
\------------------------------------------------------

HARRY

It was rather boring staying at home all day while Louis had to work. Normally I would be at work also, but I was really going to take this break and try and discover new things. I wanted to find something that would interest me. Something that I actually had the heart to do. It didn't even have to necessarily be an actual job.

I decided to get out of the house for a bit, maybe do some grocery shopping since the refrigerator was running low on its stock. I also planned on maybe going to see Louis at his job. There was just too much free time.

I was walking down the store aisle, looking for cereal, when I felt someone small collide with my leg. I heard a small cry of 'ow!' and I looked down to see a little girl sitting on the ground, rubbing her head a bit. I smiled and crouched down so that I was next to her.

"Hello, what's your name?" I asked her, seeing that she couldn't have been more than four or five years old. Why was she wondering off on her own when she could get lost in a store this size?

"I'm Avianna. I like your hair. It's pretty!" She said, lifting up her small hand and grabbing some of my hair gently with her fingers. She was absolutely adorable, and I found myself smiling at her before I realized that she was still alone.

"Hello, I'm Harry. Why are you all alone? Where's your mum?" I asked, and she gave me a little smile as she shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't have a mum."

It was a bit heartbreaking to hear. What happened to her mum? Did she pass away? Leave? What about her dad? "Um, are you here with your dad then?" I asked, and she shook her head again.

"I don't have a dad." She said, never even missing a beat. This child couldn't have even been old enough to remember her parents if they passed, and that thought was literally heartbreaking.

"Avianna! Don't run away like that sweetheart!" I heard a voice call. I looked up and saw a woman walking over to us at a rushed pace. She got to us and lifted Avianna up. "Oh, I'm so sorry if she was bothering you." She apologized.

"No, it's fine. She's adorable." I said, watching Avianna blush and hide her face in the woman's neck. "Um, are you her aunt?" I asked, knowing she couldn't have been her mum from what she's told me.

"Me? Oh no. I'm guessing she told you she has no parents." She assumed, and I nodded as I grabbed my cart of food again. "Avianna is one of the children in my group at the orphanage. It's sort of like a volunteer thing. I decided to take her out for the day, and she was excited enough to help me come shopping." She said. Orphanage? How many kids were there without parents? It was upsetting to think about.

"Wow. That's amazing that you volunteer there. How many children are in your group?" I asked as she set Avianna down but held her hand so she wouldn't run off again.

"I have a class of fifteen. I help them learn things and such. Avianna's more of a special case." She said quietly. "A lot of the volunteers there think she's too slow to keep up with the other children, but she just needs a little extra help to learn. She's actually very bright." She said. I couldn't imagine how that felt because I was always one of the smartest in my classes, which was another thing that made my parents proud.

"Hey, perhaps you could volunteer or just come down for a visit. Avianna seems to have taken a liking to you, which doesn't happen all that often." She admitted, and I looked down at her, seeing her looking at the wall of cereal in awe.

"I'll think about it. I'm Harry by the way." I said, holding my hand out for her to shake. She took my hand in hers, giving a firm shake as she introduced herself as Gabby.

"I hope to see you there soon. It's only a few blocks down. See you soon, Harry. Let's go Avianna." She said, and I felt her hug my legs before she walked after Gabby, waving at me cutely.

I was unsure if I really wanted to go and volunteer, but I was looking for something I was passionate about, and I have always had a liking to kids. They were so adorable and innocent. It would also be nice to let out a bit of a childish side and take a break from the harsh reality of life.

I thought about it as I checked out, got my bags into my car, and even as I made my way to visit Louis. It seemed like a very positive thing to help out with, but I had no idea if I would be good at it.

I walked into the coffee shop, seeing a few people scattered around, some on laptops and some talking and having a laugh. I smiled as I saw Louis behind the counter looking quite bored with everything.

I walked up to him, and he turned to look at me and smiled brightly. "Hey, love." He greeted, and I definitely felt butterflies errupt in me, followed by a blush as I remembered what happened between us this morning. It was unexpected, but so hot, and I would be telling the biggest lie ever if I said I didn't want everything that Louis whispered to me.

"Hey. Can I have an iced tea?" I asked, hearing Louis laugh as he grabbed a glass and began to pour me some from the pitcher full of it.

"I see. Just came for a drink, not to see me, hmm?" He asked jokingly as he set the glass down in front of me. I smiled down at the glass, wrapping my hand around it before taking a drink, setting it down, and then looking back up at Louis.

"Exactly." I said, making him glare at me playfully. I loved that I could act so natural around Louis. It made me feel free and happy. Actually happy, which is a feeling I never wanted to let go.

"So what have you been doing today since I left?" He asked, pouring another glass of tea for himself and calling out that he was going to take his break now. He walked around the counter and sat in the seat next to me.

"Nothing really. Got bored, so I decided to go grocery shopping, then I came to see you." I said, taking another drink out of my cup.

"Wow. You're life is very interesting, Styles. It was more active when we were all holed up in that house." He said, and I giggled a bit. Call it twisted, but it was true, and I've forgiven everything that happened in that house.

"Oh, something did happen though!" I said, watching as Louis leaned in a bit to listen to what I had to sag. "I ran into this little girl at the store, she was all alone. I talked with her for a bit until this lady came to get her. Turns out, she's an orphan. Cutest little thing ever, too. Um, I got asked to go down sometime and check it out, see if I'd want to volunteer, but I don't know...." I trailed off.

"You should." Louis said, making me look back at him in the eyes. "It could be fun. You might actually love being around and helping children. Besides, you're the one who wanted to reach out and try new things. This could be what you're passionate about." He said, encouraging me.

"Yeah, but what if they hate me? Little kids can be... pretty cruel." I said, knowing that kids were just honest. They didn't lie about most things. If they didn't like you, it wouldn't be hard to tell.

"I'm sure they'd love you. You couldn't even make me hate you, Harry, and I basically hated everything." He said. "You just have this charm about you. You're very loveable. Especially with those dimples." He smirked, making me smile shyly at the counter. "See? You're cute as fuck."

"Louis, your opinion is very biased, but I think I am going to visit the place sometime. How can I determine if I want to do it if I never try?" I pointed out. "Maybe it's out of my comfort zone, but it seems like I've been taking chances a lot since I met you all those years ago."

"Some of those chances I don't want to remember." He said, laying his hand on mine and rubbing over the faint scar there. I knew the incident was something that Louis never ever forgave himself for, and I hated that he beat himself up over it.

"Louis," I sighed out, grabbing his hand and holding it in mine. "That was over five years ago. Was I pissed when it happened? Yes. But I learned to let it go and forgive you for it. You need to stop thinking about it." I said.

"Kind of hard to do when you have a scar to prove that it happened. I feel like- sometimes I feel like you forgave me too easily. You should have been pissed at me. You should have pushed me away like I did to you." He said gently, looking me in the eyes, a shiny blue staring back at me.

"I'm not like you. I can't push my feeling away as easily. But that comes with you, and I love everything about you. It may be crazy, but it's true." I admitted, seeing Louis smile a bit before quickly pecking my lips.

"I love you. I want you to be mine, Harry." He said, and I nodded, knowing what he meant.

"Just a little while longer." I said, watching him nod as well. "I'm gonna go now. I'm going to go check on Maura in the hospital." I announced.

"Is Niall going to be there?" He asked, sounding a little worried, and I sighed as I stood up.

"I don't know, but nothing would happen even if he was. It's his mum. We're both worried about her. She's like a second mum to me. It'll be okay." I said, trying to ease his mind. He still looked a bit troubled, so I leaned in, kissing him for a little while before pulling back again. "I love you."

"Okay. Just be careful." He whispered out. I knew he felt insecure, but there was nothing else I could do. I only nodded, promising that I would, and then walked out of the shop.

Even though it would probably be hard to see Maura, hard to cope with what's going on, and hard to be around Niall, I knew I could do it. And Louis was the only reason why.


End file.
